Ciana Pandora

NINETEEN

                       [TEXAS, USA]

       [CASPER’S BAR, BEAUMONT]

Caroline wanders into a bar in search of Kade and spots him ordering three bottles of wine She rushes to the bartender’s desk and exhales on seeing Kade.

“Hey.” She coos.

“I need to be alone.” Kade says.

“I know. But I need to talk to you, and there’s no better time than now.”

“How’d you find me?”

“I knew that after a tough evening yesterday, you’ll want to get yourself inebriated. However, it is a bad idea. You are only hurting yourself.”

“What do you want to say?” Kade asks straightforwardly.

“Kade, I only have a bit of understanding of what you are going through. But I have lost someone I love before and it wasn’t easy for me. My fiancé died before our wedding arrangements could be made. That wasn’t even the first time so I could’ve also decided to get soaked and kill myself with the thought that it was the end of the world. Kade, it is not the end of the world. This is only the beginning. Life only gives you one chance to change your situation. This is it.”

“I don’t care. My situation is indelible. Even if it isn’t, I have no interest in changing it. Life sucks. You wouldn’t understand; you have everything you need. I felt like I had gotten my life back the day I saw Nadine at the police station. Instantly, when I sense some green grass in my life, I realize that all this was a joke and I was being toyed with. When I was ready to move on, I was brought back to my old life, where I am once again reminded that Nadine is gone and that she’s never coming back. Do you know what this means? It means that I am being punished for my failure to protect her when she was alive. I was deceived, I was lied to and I was betrayed by my own destiny. What else do I need to expect? What comes next?” Kade asks.

“Felicity and effervescence comes next after every struggle, Kade.” Caroline says.

Kade snickers. “Felicity? No, you don’t understand. In Kade Johansson’s life, struggle follows struggle, pain follows pain and punishment follows punishment. Firstly, my parents pass away simultaneously when I graduate from college even before I can bring the news to them. What comes next is that immediately I vow to protect and care for my only family left, someone tries to rape her and my defense towards her ends me up in losing my job, almost going to prison and losing my only sister. When I think that things are starting to go well, I have to face a disgusting truth. Now, my fate has decided to deal with me severely in this execrable manner and this cycle is never gonna change.”

“It would change once you allow it to change. The cycle would stop if you order it to stop gyrating. Pardon me for being candid, but the cause of the cyclicality in your life is you, Kade. Just understand this; you were created alone as a random sperm racing to fertilize an ovary. You penetrated alone into the egg without any other sperm. You have a single purpose and you are to fulfill it alone. No one was created to live for another. Our two eyes seem to do everything together; blink, cry and sleep. But what we don’t understand is that when one eye goes faulty, the other can still see. If God didn’t create the eye in that way, you would go totally blind if one eye went faulty and that would be a hindrance to your daily activities. This means that no matter how much you love someone, you live solo and you’ll die solo.”

Caroline stops to snatch the beer bottle from him. “Kade, you love Nadine and she knows that. Your parents possibly know that too. You did a great job as a big brother. People like you who protect, love and care for their siblings are expensive nowadays. So what are you trying to prove again, Kade? You did what you could. But you have to move on; you deserve better.” Caroline expounds.

“So why did some goddess have to possess my sister’s body to tantalize me for her own selfish benefits?”

“Yes, it really hurts. It was a really strange experience. I don’t understand why that had to happen. But at least, it made you recover a bit. So don’t return to your former self. Stop being so morose and regretful, Kade. You have more dreams to accomplish.”

“I don’t want to dream again. As a matter of fact, I have forgotten all the dreams I had in mind. I can’t remember what I wanted to achieve. Nadine took them with her, because I wanted to serve her with the achievement of my goals.” Kade says.

Caroline sighs. “Are you gonna keep droning on and on about that same topic? Look, Kade, you are about to win lots of money right now. I spoke to Mr. Bradley this morning in a cafeteria and he is thinking about taking you with him to Shanghai. He wants you to meet some people who work with him in the cast iron company. They want you to work with them and manufacture stuff. You need a bit of training too. They need your tertiary services. So he wants me to talk to you about it. What do you say?”

“I don’t want it.” Kade mutters, and gulps down the rest of the beer.

“Kade! Listen to me, don’t do this. I understand that you are so hurt but…”

“You don’t understand anything so stop claiming that you do.” Kade yells at her with agitation. Then more calmly, he says; “I need some time with myself.”

“You’re right. I might not understand you, because I haven’t loved any one this much like you have. What I do understand is that loss is personal but it’s up to you whether to let it get to you or not.”

“It’s complicated.” Kade mutters.
Caroline touches his shoulder tenderly. “Kade, think it over. Think rationally. You call me intuitive, but look at you now. Is this what Nadine wants? Does she want you to be this miserable? Do you think she doesn’t love you, that she doesn’t wish you a happy life? If you think so, then you aren’t being fair.”

“Just leave me alone, Caroline.”

“Will you think about it?”

“I don’t know.”

“Kade, don’t make this your weakness. You think you are being strong, but instead, you are deteriorating. Strength is not holding on to something, strength is letting go. Mr. Bradley would call me tomorrow to ask me about your reply. Since I am not taking your instinctive answer to him, I’ll give you more time. Tell me your decision tomorrow morning. I’ll be in my condo.” Caroline stands up to leave. She turns to the bartender and says; “Don’t give him any more bottles.”

“Caroline,” Kade calls her name just as she is about leaving.

“Yes.”

Kade looks into her eyes and winces grimly. “Thanks for everything, but you can’t help me. So please stop this, Caroline. None of it is working.”

“Say whatever you want to, Kade, but I would never leave you.” Caroline smiles at him and kisses his cheek.