Knock Me Down - [COMPLETE]

19 - Too Much

I see Jasper leaning his head back on the seat, his jaw angled up. His make up is gone. I can see he's clothed in a hoodie now that we're in the cold. The shadow of the van only lets part of the street light cut over half his face. I hop in and The Smith's 'How Soon Is Now?' is playing humbly in the background. The place is quieter than it was when I got here with Holden.

"Uh, thanks for taking me home" Jasper makes a half-committed nod.

We sit for a minute in the van. It's an uncomfortable silence for me but I already know Jasper doesn't think awkward silences exist for him. I don't force anything to happen until he feels like he should, so I try to ease into my seat. The same one from the trip.

He reaches over my lap, opens the glove box to grab tissues.

"You got sick because of me" He states like it's an observation, not a question.

"No, I'm fine. Just haven't been wearing—"

"Shut up" He hands them to me, "Wear a jacket. And my gloves next time. Gave them to you for a reason"

He said next time.

"Oh. Mm, I will" I've been wearing them. But I'm too afraid Jasper would see them and ask for them back.

"I'm sorry" He's quiet, but sincere. It stuns me because I've never once considered Jasper the type to apologize for anything. Mostly because I don't think he could hurt anyone. He takes his time wording himself slowly to make sure I know he's genuine. He's not showing any emotion but that's not new, "I know you don't understand why I am the way I am with you. I don't want this to change. But I've been unfair"

My heart's beating faster for no real reason except that Jasper is actually having a deep conversation with me. He pauses, moving his eyes to some spot on my shirt to think.

"I don't want to confuse you" His eyes focus back on mine like he's certain of this.

"...confuse me?"

"Matty, you and I are barely friends" He states blandly, "I don't even know how you've managed to sneak your way more and more into my life than you already were"

Jasper sighs, "I don't have your same proclivity to meddle. Even if I'll say I've entertained it" I dither on what to tell him so I let him go on.

"I don't understand what your curiosity is with me, but you're Benicio's younger brother. I don't want to complicate or hurt you" His stature is composed and tired.

"I'm not trying to bother you. I am sorry that I involve myself even when you don't ask for it but I don't think...I've been meddling. I'm not trying to make you upset" I'm blushing but I do that with confrontation as honest as this. It's too dark for him to see so it doesn't matter.

He leans back on the headrest, "I know. I know you won't see it that way. Sometimes I don't stop myself and involve myself too. I'm not upset, Matty. Don't apologize. But..."

He shakes his head, "It can't keep happening. I can't have this. It's too much"

I need to bring up the other night. Was that too much? The tension in the car makes my hands shake. It feels like I'm what's causing the windows of the van to fog. Another silence.

"What did you think I was doing?" He's referring to my reason for being here when he pulled me into the room backstage. I make a gamble on his reaction and bring up that night.

"Drugs."

He lowers his eyebrows but quirks the corner of his mouth up.

"Kidding. After, uh, that night in your front yard. Seeing you drunk and...disconnected made me want to see where you run away to at night"

He's staring at me pensively. Off in another dimension where only aliens like him can translate him.

"Did I say something?"

Oh, fuck. How did he forget?

"Do...you not remember then?"

It looks like he's digging for receipts on account of our talk, and murmurs "I remember being there. You wanted to help me. I remember you not having any shoes on." He's trying to read my face and cautiously asks, "Did I make you uncomfortable?"

"No. You didn't" His chest falls in a silent exhale, relieved, "You were just really drunk. Sloppy. I was worried"

I feel the disappointment make a cavity in me. If he meant it, that's probably what he'd denote as 'too much'. Jasper has had some brief sexual encounters. From what I've learned from Connor, he makes his intentions clear before he acts on them. Wanting to kiss me in the moment doesn't mean he wants to commit to me.

He crosses his arms and mumbles, "You're sure? Been told I'm a stubborn drunk"

"Yeah, I am. You made me go inside and you went through the front door. Did your dad not yell at you?"

"At his girlfriend's"

I should've thought so. I glance at the digits on the van radio. We should leave but I selfishly want to indulge in this lasting conversation. I reverse back to what he told me inside after a moment and find myself repeating:

"...why not tell people about the band?" I'm hoping he'll continue to open up to me.

"Matty" He warns. He closes his eyes, catching himself. He explains, cut and dry, "I play because I like doing it. Too much of our town spoils"

I get what he means. Too many people know Jasper or know of him. Driving out all the way here takes him out of that.

My heart's slowed a little more as I sit in a more comfortable silence.

He whispers, "Did you like it?"

My heart for a second sputters. I'm so unversed in interacting with an open Jasper, and I breathe out, "Yeah. You guys are killer. Honestly. I've never heard you sing before, it's amazing. The singing was a surprise"

The one side of his mouth moves up steadily, just enough before disappearing, telling me he appreciated it.

"Cas does the singing usually. But we take turns"

I'm messing with the skin on my thumb again. It hurts so I try to leave it alone but I want it out of the way already.

He looks conflicted, his lips are already parted so he asks, "Did you want to come watch us again?"

My heart skips a beat again. He puts the van in drive, foot on the brake.

"Yeah. I do" The skin pulls a little more, which hurts too much, so I move my hand off my lap to the door, holding my thumb in a fist, "And I won't tell anyone about your band. I know this is yours"

I wish he hadn't forgotten. Maybe this is better. If he did and there was an argument, I don't know how I would handle the shame over the drive home. 

"Thank you Matty"