Knock Me Down - [COMPLETE]

37 - Sevrin

I apprieciate the DMs, you lot are so nice.
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I feel so helpless. I didn't sleep at all last night and even skipped out on one of my classes because I couldn't focus on anything I was reading. I kept having to read the same sentences two to three times just to keep up with what was happening in the lesson and in my head.

I didn't skip practice but it went awful enough for Oliver to make me go home early so I could 'get my head back in the game'.

And really awful since I'm benched for the next varsity only tournament. I've never been benched from the roster before. I wasn't the main anchor and like anyone I've been switched out mid-game but I've always made the roster. Oliver had to pull me to the side at the end before sending me home to say "Before the line up's posted in the group chat, I thought I'd tell ya m'self. Coach is benchin' you. Sorry man, but I'm thinkin' 'bout the team. I don't know what's goin' on but be ready next tournament"

It was a bummer and I agree with the decision but I think what rubbed salt in the wound was the fact he felt the need to talk to me on the side like I wouldn't be able to handle it. Plus, it sucked knowing that my mental health was showing through in other parts of my life.

Getting out the car dragging my equipment, I see Jasper's dad shoveling the driveway.

"Hello Mateo!" He's fully padded up but with a red nose and pink cheeks from the weather.

"Buenas tardes, señor, when did you come back?" I falsely ask as if I didn't know.

"A week ago maybe. I wanted to see your parents, but no one was home, how are they?"

I set my gear inside at the entrance  and walk over to his property, "They've been busy taking care of my grandma. How was your trip?"

"Felt so fast. It was fun to be there again. Emotional. I had not seen some of my distant family since before my Jaspis was born. I just wish he would've come" His expression is an odd mixture of something I can't identify, "Ah, do you know where he is? He's not been home or answered my calls. Is he staying with you?"

"Sorry, no I don't. His stuff is still at home but he's been staying with other friends I think" That was a lie but it was a likely lie.

He looks disappointed and like he's thinking, "Um, Mateo, can you come help me with something?"

He takes me to their living room where open suitcases full of bags lay messily on the carpet. He hangs all his winter clothes on a rack and we leave our shoes at the front.

"I brought lots of snacks for your family. Luckily they were not confiscated at the airport" He picks up a tote bag and hands it to me, "Jaspis helped pick these to your taste"

I look inside and it's mostly sweets like chocolate or fruit candies. I have a massive sweet tooth preference over savory. There were a only a couple savory things like some various kinds of chips.

"Come. Sit" He pats the chair next to his recliner and continues to sort through everything he brought, "How are you?"

"I'm good. I have new classes this semester that're harder than last year but I'm doing great. I haven't had a tournament in awhile since the two January ones were canceled for snow. but we have three out of state this month"

He smiles and nods, "Good. That is good. And Jasper, how is he treating you? Is he treating you well?"

The phrasing throws me off. He hasn't asked me that since I was eleven when Benicio framed Jasper for pushing me off my bike down an icy hill, but I take it lightly and laugh, "We aren't kids anymore so he hasn't bullied me too bad. He was never as big of a jerk as Benicio growing up. But we're okay. Maybe even a little closer than before" Which, at any second when my dad gets here, could lose truth.

He sets three bags aside and looks at me, "Closer makes me happy. I have always thought you and Benicio were good for him. Nothing makes me happier than good things especially when they make him happy. God knows he needs it"

"We help each other out. If my family isn't there, Jasper is. I try to do the same"

"Uhm" He doesn't seem sure in his question but he asks anyway, "How's he doing? Is he alright?"

"...uh, I don't really know" I don't want to answer too honestly. I can't tell him but I give him a neutral answer, "He's a really closed off person so I never know much of what's going on unless I bother him about it"

"You can tell me. I think you already know he's been angry with me recently. I think he's been angry with me since he was nine" He looks stressed and concerned, "He hides from me but I can tell when he's different. I wish he could open up. I want him happy. I want to see him love and be loved back"

He looks so worried that I disclose what's going on without the real details, "Not too long ago Jasper and I had a...disagreement with my brother. So they're not talking to each other and Jasper's not talking to me because of Benicio"

He doesn't ask about what, which surprises me. "Then, how are you all really doing?"

I rub my palms together anxiously and shrug, finding it hard to know what to say, "Not good"

"Mateo, I want to tell you that..." He holds his hands with his fingers loosely interlocked. I can tell the man is holding back. He wants to say more.

"I'm not a very good dad. I couldn't stop my son from being me no matter how much we moved around and who he met. Even though I'm not longer Sevrin, the man I was lives in him. I understand I can't change him. I care about my son. I care about all of you. And no matter what, I support him. I support what he believes is right. The two of them have temper issues but the three of you will figure it out. I know. And if it doesn't, I support you boys"

I pretend to get what he means because he looks so strained and distressed. Like he's trying so hard. He reminds me of my own dad but Cullen seems to be more open minded and sensitive than him. I wonder if he'd still say the same if he knew I was making out with his son.

"Let me know if he comes by, please. I need to talk to him. And it looks a little bad as a father that my own son doesn't want to be at home with me" He laughs weakly, handing me a few more bags, "The bigger one is for your parents"

I stand up holding everything in one hand, "I'll come by again if I see him. I'll tell him you're home and ask him to come back"

He shakes his head, "Don't ask him. I want him to come home willingly"

I nod, "Okay. Muchísimas gracias for the snacks, señor. I'm sure I'll like them"

He gives me an unexpected hug that catches me off guard. A little late to react, I wrap my free arm around his back. Something makes me believe this hug might be more for him than for me.

"Thank you, Mateo. Tell your parents to give me a call"

Coming out into the cold again, I see my brother for some reason carrying my heavy gear from the porch and into the house. Keep it together, I tell myself waiting for him to go in first.

He's watching paid programming in the living room, something Benicio is definitely not interested in. He can barely afford his education, let alone home shopping for sapphire earrings.

But I'm not subjecting myself to his stupid anger problems. I drop his bag of snacks by the coffee table and make it clear I'm going to my room in silence but placidly he says:

"I just came to give you a heads up. Dad's going to be here in an hour"