The Apotheosis

Jazz Hands

Elphaba gently led Glinda through the alleyways of what used to be the slum quarter of the Emerald City. As they hit another dead end, Glinda asked Elphaba, "Are you sure you know where you're going?"

"Trust me, Glinda," Elphaba panted. "I used to live around here."

"Wait what?"

"I lived as a streetwalker for a couple years while I was training so that I got to know the problems the poor were going through. That was before we started the entire welfare program thing and evacuated this area."

"I can't imagine."

"What?"

"You as a streetwalker."

"Oh, well, I did do it so...oh look, we're here!"

"An old corn exchange?"

"Hey come on, I know it's not much, and the roof leaks, and-whoa! Fiyero, you scared the shit out of me!"

"Well," Fiyero said, "How was I supposed to pop out of a trash can and not scare the shit out of you?"

"Well, um...Fiyero, isn't it?" Glinda asked apprehensively.

"Always at your service, my lady," Fiyero said, bowing deeply.

"Hey! Get your hands off my girlfriend," Elphaba ordered. Fiyero instantly backed away muttering, "Fae, calm down, I didn't touch her, okay? Besides, I didn't know you two were an item."

"Neither did I," Glinda murmured.

"So, what brings you guys here, anyway?" Fiyero asked.

"It's simple, isn't it? It's a stone's throw from a military barracks, otherwise uninhabited and rather out of the way. They won't follow us here," Elphaba explained as another trash can opened up.

"Oh, hey Milla," Fiyero said tiredly. Milla gave him a nervous wave before adjusting her sweater.

"Who are all there people?" Glinda asked.

"They're my friends from work," Elphaba replied.

"And what are they doing in the trash?" Glinda asked, stifling a giggle.

"Hiding. The Wizard's been calling everyone into his office and they kept coming out singing," Fiyero explained.

"Ozdamn it, I was probably the first then," Elphaba deadpanned.

"Yeah," Milla said in a panicked voice. "And it was the same at the bank, the butcher's, the grocery store, and-"

"Everywhere downtown, basically," Glinda completed the sentence. "We've just come from the Emerald Rose- I believe you guys were there this morning, you saw what went on-"

"Ah, yes I rather enjoyed it. Those skirts are really sexy," Avaric whispered as he popped out of another trash can.

"Ozma be damned!" Elphaba began, "Avaric, what the hell were you-"

Avaric shushed her and said, "Shut the hell up, Elphaba. There's something weird going on. So we don't know who we can or cannot trust. So of you want to stay here, find your own trash can and be quiet. You," he added, looking at Glinda, "Scoot."

Glinda narrowed her eyes at Avaric and casually flipped her middle finger at him. Elphaba and Fiyero both started laughing at that, and Elphaba said, "Please, Avaric. Glinda stays with us."

"What? I don't know her!" Avaric whined.

"Hell yeah, you do," Elphaba said. "She's that cute barista. You know, the Latte Hotte."

She did an excellent imitation of what everyone in the office called Avaric's 'jerkass face', making Fiyero double up in laughter.

"No, that is not the latte hotte," Avaric groaned. "That's the crabby one who won't song when I tip her. Damn her."

"Oh yeah," Glinda said sarcastically. "Well, here's the newsflash, you jerkass. I didn't take up that job to entertain dissolute spoiled son of noblemen like you. Why, I doubt you can even dress yourself without assistance. I, on the other hand, am proud of the fact that I can make my way in this shitty world on my own. So just fuck off, okay?"

"Whoa, looks like the little China Girl's got some sass," Avaric said, surprised.

Just then, a police car came up, its sirens blaring. Milla grinned widely and said, "Oh look, they're here! I called Boq, he'll get us out of this...Boq, sweetheart? Oh baby, you're here!"

Sure enough, three men in uniform stepped out, all Munchkins. One of them, with pale skin and fair hair, was Boq- Elphaba had known him for years. Even she couldn't suppress her smile at the sight of him. But all of a sudden, their leader- Private Zackers, going by the name tag- raised his hand, and Milla backed off. The entire group was caught off guard as Zackers sang,
"Ma'am, I need you to take a step back
You're facing the law, not the clerk at The Mall,
Yeah, we're cops
Yeah, we're cops
You'd better shape on up

You better empty out all of them pockets
But don't empty out all of them pockets
Yeah, we're cops
Yeah, we're cops
And we make sense

Show me your hands!
Show me those jazz hands
Get 'em up or you'll end up in cuffs
Show me those hands
Show me those jazz hands
Or I might
Be inclined
To shoot you up"

Boq joined in, singing,
"You go forty in a thirty-five,
Check your mirror, you'll find Hell has arrived,
'Cause we're cops
Yeah, we're cops
We're up in your shi-et"

"Oh no," Elphaba whispered while gently holding Milla and trying to calm her down, "He's one of them too."

The third officer picked up his phone and sang,

"Izzy lost her cat in a tree-"

Zackers replied, in tune,
"Contact Fire, not the Emerald P.D."

The third guard sang on,
"'Cause we're cops
Yeah, we're cops

Her cat is dead."

The officers chorused on,
"Show me your hands
Show me those jazz hands
Get 'em up or you'll end up in cuffs
Show me your hands
Show me those jazz hands
Or I might
Be inclined to shoot you."

Zackers picked up another call,

"9-1-1, emergency call
Got a 4-1-1, at a shopping mall
Better pack your heat and utility belt
Any mall rats comin' in hot, they'll melt"

The third officer remarked, "Boq, that's your wife on the 9-1-1."

"What does she want?" Boq added in a slightly sing-song tone

"She just wants to snug," the other officer rapped.

Boq sang,
"Grab your nine millimeter and a doughnut bucket
Want my badge number?
Put in your mouth and suck it!
Show me your hands!
Show me those jazz hands
Get 'em up or you'll end up in cuffs
Show me those hands
Show me those jazz hands
Or I might
Be inclined
To shoot you"

As Boq broke into a smooth dance routine, Milla said nervously, "Boq? Sweetie, please, talk to me. I'm your wife"

Just then, Avaric took the lid off a trash can and crept up behind Boq. He swung the lid, busting the Munchkin's skull in the process. As Boq fell, Avaric took up his service revolver and chased the other singing cops out. Milla was stunned as she muttered, "Oh no, what do we do?"
***
Song: Show Me Those Hands