Big Brothers

I Still Love You

A/N
I wanted to note that I changed the age range with Alex and Jason. I made them twins! Fraternal of course. Sorry for the long wait but here's the next chapter! I didn't make it long this time... I'll make it up, I promise!
~~~~
I can hear the sound of my heartbeat. How do I confront everything? Why didn't I just tell her from the beginning like I told Jason? I'm not even shaking. I'm just... frozen. I don't think I have the strength to face mom. All I hope is that she isn't mad at me. That she gives me that support a daughter needs at a time like this.

The front door shuts and Jason comes right back to me. I don't know what I look like but I'm sure it's not good. I must be all pale and shaken up. He takes back his seat and moves closer to me.

"Lea, breathe." Jason, gently, holds my hand.

Right, breathe. I can feel all eyes on me now. Just like the ice cream shop. The difference is, everyone does know. It's just mom who's completely clueless. I never wanted this attention. Not here, not school, not anywhere. But this is apart of me now. There's no way to run from it. There's no way to get out. I have to speak.

"When I carried you in my arms for the first time, I was so happy." She begins. "I looked at your big beautiful eyes filled with innocence. I knew at that moment that your father and I had to protect you and be there with you. Until he... left, but that doesn't matter because I raised you all. Especially you. I raised you to be kind and strong. To be honest and above all, brave. God, that innocent look. I never wanted that to leave your eyes."

She doesn't see me the same way. That has to be what she's trying to say. She's disappointed I didn't tell her. I wish I could blur out how much I wanted to tell her but couldn't because of this very moment. This exact feeling. I'm not innocent in her eyes anymore.

"And I did a good job. You're still that kind, beautiful, and strong baby I raised. I love you and everyone of you boys with everything in me." She says.

"We love you too, mom." Chris says.

"I'm so happy to hear that." Her face falls. "Can someone explain to me why none of you told me the truth?" She asks. "Why did you all let me believe it wasn't serious? I was so worried at the hospital but Vivian assured me it was an accident that could be fixed."

"Lea was scared, mom." Alex defends.

"Of what? Of me yelling at her? Disowning her? She was almost raped. What more could a mother do other than hug her babygirl. Tell her everything is going to be alright." She snaps.

I knew it. She's angry with me. I close my eyes tightly. Don't cry. This is the worst time to cry. Just breathe.

"Mom, are you serious? You're mad at her?" Alex says.

"I'm not mad. I'm so hurt that she had to go through it alone—— well, by the looks of it, without a mother." She says. "Even Henry knew. A man I just met at Target!"

"I'm sorry." I force myself to speak.

She's right. I should've told her, regardless of what would happen. She's hurt. I'm so sorry I even let it get this far. I wish I can just go back and tell her. She's my best friend. Someone I tell everything to. I should've told her.

"I'm just—— I'm really sorry." I can feel my heart break.

You know that feeling where it's almost like your heart stops beating normally. It just feels so heavy. I can't even breathe. I can't move. My mind isn't even racing anymore. Everything is so blank.

"Brea—-"

"Yeah, I get it Jason. Fucking—— breathe. Breathe Lea. I know!" I snap.

Oh god... I didn't mean to—— I instantly cover my mouth. I didn't mean to burst. My heart starts to pick up the pace now. Jason looks at me full of concern and hurt.

"Can we all just relax?" Alex says.

"How about you just stay quiet. You already did enough." Dylan replies.

"Did enough? The hell are you talking about?"

"Hitting the damn kid." Dylan says.

Please stop.

"Did you forget you were there you dumb fuck?" Alex sits up. "Don't pin this shit on me."

"Boys, language." Mom rests her elbows on the table and rests her forehead on the palm of her hands.

Don't tell me I just started the stupidest argument. I should've just took a breath.

"Who convinced me?" Dylan tilts his head.

"I didn't put a gun to your head, Dylan. You better relax before I do the same thing to you." Alex threatens.

"You threatening me?" Dylan stands up.

"Nah. I'm promising you." Alex sits up.

"Dylan, SIT. DOWN!" Chris slams his hands on the table. "This is about Lea and somehow you guys found a reason to argue. Shut the hell up. Give Lea and mom a damn minute."

Silence again. That thick tension is back in the air. What do I say now? I keep saying the wrong thing apparently. And then staying quiet was what sparked this. There's no way I can win either way. God, what else could go wrong?

"I just—— I didn't tell you because you're my mom. That's like—— telling the cops what happened. It's the right thing but... it's scary. All that pressure on my shoulders. Keeping it a secret hurt just as much. I couldn't talk to anyone else besides Jason. Everyone else just found out along the way. I know this isn't an excuse—— Jeez——I'm sorry..." I cover my face. "I can't even—— breathe—— I can't think. I can't move!"

Everyone stays silent. Maybe it's time to tell my family what's going on in my mind. I have to. I owe it to my mom.

I take a deep breath and collect myself.

"I tried. I tried so hard to get back to normal but every mention, every rumor, every... feeling. It triggers everything. Anything can bring me back to when he was on top of me. I begged for him to stop. All he could say is how much I... I said I liked it."

Flashback
"LET ME GO! IM NOT ACTING!" I begin to cry.

He places me on the floor and quickly gets on top of me. No. He can't. I try to push him off but he easily overpowers me.

"Please, Cristian. Stop." I gasp for air.

He needs to see that I don't like this. I guess it doesn't work. He smacks me again. I'm sure that one is going to leave a mark. I start to scream for help. He's mental. He isn't okay.

"Shut up." He orders.
End of flashback

"I can't—— I don't want——" I feel my cheeks burning. "Its still so much. I know dad would be so disappointed in me. You already are, mom."

There was another trigger.

"Okay... okay." Jason soothes and pulls me into a hug.

I'm no longer innocent in her eyes. I corrupted any expectation or any hope. I can't possible look the same as before. I'm nothing like I was. And it's because of everything. The fact that I'd didn't say anything puts the cherry on top.

Jason leans over and whispers loud enough for me to hear. "Everything will solve itself. Everything is going to be okay. I promise."

I can hear all the other chairs pull out from the table and foot steps rushing towards me. The next person to hug me is mom. "You haven't disappointed me. You're strong and I love you for it."

Everyone else joins. It's tight but... I can finally breathe. I feel safe. All the worries I had is ripped away from me and replaced with love and comfort. This is what I needed.

This was all I ever wanted to feel...