it's now!

chapter 5

"Are you okay?"

He wants to know if I'm okay, okay, that's nice, that's cool. Then why am I not moving? I can't think, no, I think that I think too much. What can I say to him? No, I'm not okay, but he can't know that. I won't let him know that.

"Yeah, I'm fine" I say with a forced smile on my face. He doesn't look very convinced so I look anywhere except him before I throw my life in his face. I hear the door close and for a minute I thought he left but then I hear footsteps. He comes to me, sits beside me and since I'm not looking at him, he follows my eyes. Now we're both leaning against a wall, watching the sky, my right thigh touching his left one, I put down my hot chocolate after I finish it and put my hands in my lap.

"It's okay" he says and I finally look at him just to find his eyes already looking at mine. "You don't have to tell me anything, okay? and with that he takes my hand and holds it tight like saying that he's here. It's so comforting, just to have someone, just to stare at nothing and stay silent with someone. Of course I break the silence, not because I didn't enjoy it, I did, but because I feel like he deserves to know at least a little bit about why he's on the cold rooftop at 11pm with a girl he doesn't even know.

"It's my mom." I say silently but I know he heard me because he hardens the grip on my hand for a second. I don't know what else to tell him because I really need to trust someone to tell them about me. But for some stupid reason, this stupid boy with his stupidly beautiful eyes has some effect on me that makes me feel like I can trust him with my life. "how much have you heard?"

"Enough to know that you're right. About what you said with being mad and furious when she should be sad and worried, I agree. I don't know what this is all about but I saw it in your eyes with tears slipping from them, I saw how hurt you were." he says not leaving he's eyes from mine. I smile because he doesn't even know how much him saying that means to me. "I'm assuming you're visiting Tessa, right?"

"Well, actually, I moved in with her today."

"Moved in? Aren't you like, still in school? And I know you don't go to Queen because I would have noticed you before." my stomach tightens at his last sentence with no particular reason, but I can't help but feel a little judgement from his voice. I let go of his hand slowly and hug my legs with my arms with my knees leaning on my chest and my chin leaning on my knees.

"Yes, I moved in. Yes, I'm still in school. No, I didn't go to Queen. I went to Stone, but I'll be going to Queen from next monday. Anything else?" I look at him with my eyebrows raised a bit, wondering if he's really judging me.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything bad with that, I was just-" I cut him off because I know that he didn't mean anything by that and my temper just isn't at it's best right now.

"No, I'm sorry. I can't imagine how this everything looks out of context, I wish I could tell you more but-" and then I'm cut off.

"It's okay." he smiles so gently that I feel like some weight has been lifted from my chest, like that just from looking at him I'm okay, but I know that's not how it works, I know it's not that easy.

"Why don't we go back? It's late and I'm cold and tired from unpacking."

"Sure" he stands up, then helps me stand up and I pick my mug and my phone off of the ground. We step inside of the building and in my mind I thank God for whoever invented heating. We walk a bit until he stands in front of the elevator. I look at him and am probably seven shades paler trying to find an excuse.

"I'm gonna take the stairs, I feel like walking a bit from all that sitting." good one Maddie, good one.

"You know you're weird, right?" he asks with an amused look but keeps walking down the stairs with me.