A Sliver of Infinite

chapter 23

Leaning against Dane's truck with my arms wrapped around myself, I can't help but be upset. I keep trying to breathe it out, to calm myself down, telling myself it's not what I think it is. But the truth is, my subconscious knew something was off. This was the beginning of the end. The end of a happiness I'd falsely put in my head. A dream of what I wanted my life to be with him. It just wasn't going to happen the way I envisioned it, and deep down, I had come to that unfortunate realization.

"Kodi!? Kodi, baby? What are you doing out here!?" I hear Dane's voice as I see him walking down the stairs of the cabin. "It's freezing, let's get you inside."

He appears to my right as he quickly approaches, desperate to get to me.

"Come here, babe," he says, while taking off his bomber jacket to wrap it around me.

With hands up, I shake my head at him, backing away.

"No, Dane...no!"

He pulls back in surprise.

"What's wrong?" he asks, and I can see the worry and concern in his eyes, understanding that there's something really upsetting me.

"When were you going to tell me?" I ask him directly.

"Tell you what? What's going on Kodi?" he asks in a panic, completely oblivious.

"I heard you talking to Asher about college. So, what? You decided that you didn't need to talk to me about it?"

He sighs, looking down to the ground before rubbing the back of his neck with one hand.

"Here I thought we were going to plan our lives together, but turns out, once you got your shit together, I'm not needed anymore," I cry out.

I may have been overreacting a tad bit. But something about the possibility of losing him and what we had turned me into an inevitable psycho. I couldn't lose him and I felt him slipping, so childishly, I found myself pushing him away first.

"Damn Kodi," he says, his face dropping, looking truly offended at my comment. "That really hurt."

Tears start falling from my eyes as the pain of hurting him bouncies itself back to me. I hated hurting him, but I was frustrated.

"I just don't get it Dane!" I scream out.

"Listen, I was going to talk to you about it, I just didn't want to get your hopes up." he says, trying to reach out for me again.

"My hopes up!?" I clip, moving out of his grasp against the truck. "What's that supposed to mean?!"

"I don't even know if this is something I can do yet, and I didn't want you getting all excited. I was just feeling it out, seeing what my options were before I brought any of it to you." he replies, reaching for me again.

"No...don't," I say, moving away from his grasp.

As soon as he touches me, I can't think, I'll melt into him and I need to voice my feelings.

"I've put my life on hold, stopped volunteering at the hospital, backing away from other opportunities, just to make sure you were my number one priority and you do this behind my back!?" I choke out.

"I never asked you to do that Kodi. C'mon, that's not fair. And, you can't put that on me, you quit the hospital for your own reasons. This is exactly why I didn't want to pursue this. I knew how hard it would be, and I never wanted to be your burden. Ever," he says before he tightens his jaw, his eyes glossing over.

"Oh, so you were protecting me by being an ass for years? Okay, Dane. And you didn't want to pursue me? Ha! You're lucky I was interested after everything you've put me through!"

Everything. All of the words were coming up like vomit. Every little stupid thing I could say to hurt him was spewing out into the cold, unforgiving, December wind.

"Dakota! Stop!" he yells, slamming his fists on the hood of his truck, startling me.

He never calls me Dakota, and he never yells. I pause, taking in his response but ultimately, it upset me even more. The more reaction I seem to get out of him, the more I push.

"And why Asher? Why would you tell him of anyone!? I practically forced that friendship and you choose him over me!?"

I wasn't thinking anymore, I was only feeling, and that feeling was one of outrage and hurt. I spoke the words, knowing they were wrong, knowing it would hurt him as much as his deceit and the possibility of losing him hurt me. I knew it was stupid the moment the words left my childish, spiteful mouth.

He pauses, staring deep into me for a minute, tears forming, almost appearing to try and talk some sense into my eyes without saying the words, reaching a part of me that he knew to reach. But I closed that door, not allowing him in. He caught wind of it immediately and shook his head at me, dropping his desperate hands to his sides in defeat.

"Get inside, I'm leaving," he says coldly.

He pulls the keys out of his pocket, brushing past me, and gets into the driver's seat of the truck, slamming the door behind him.

Standing in his headlights with my arms crossed, his engine roars as he backs out of the space, turning, then flying down the dirt road, kicking up rocks, like daggers to my heart as he leaves.

"Shit!" I scream out into the dark. "I'm a fucking idiot!"

I run my hands through my hair, pulling it hard at the roots, as if the sensation would help take away the pain developing in my chest.

These new emotions were literally changing who I am. I am the girl who has it all together, ahead of the game, prepared, but this love has changed me. I feel out of control of my emotions for the first time in my life and it's a sickening feeling. I found myself pushing away the only thing I needed, in fear that it would leave me first.

Rehearsing our fight in my head, I realize I've said some horrible things that cut him deep, and for what? In hopes I'd scare him into staying with me? I'm an idiot. I've messed up, big time.

It was as if his illness had kept him in a little pocket for me. He was all mine and I was his world in return. But with him doing so well, I was worried he would find he didn't need me anymore. As if he'd finally realize how amazing I knew him to be all along and would go on to bigger and better things without me. He's easily the most attractive person I've ever known, inside and out. He could get anyone he wanted.

My own insecurities started to make their way to the forefront as my love grew stronger for him. It shouldn't have. Dane did everything right. He made me feel like the rarest star in the sky, he loved me wholeheartedly, with all my imperfections that he seemed not to notice. Yet, I let the worry seep in.

When you find yourself in possession of something so rare, amazing, and real as an unconditional love, you inevitably panic that you'll lose it. Now, my drunken stupor had made me lose it.

I tried calling him, hoping to apologize. Three unanswered calls later, I'd decided I was the one who was psychotic in this relationship. He needed time to process. Immediately wishing to undo the past ten minutes, I found myself desperately hoping he wasn't processing the things I'd hypothesized. I couldn't have him coming to any conclusions about why I said what I said, when I didn't believe it for myself.

Arguing over the events in my own head, my eyes snap up as a set of headlights came upon me.

Was he back? Did he come back for me? Was he willing to forgive me?

Once the lights, as well as the engine, shut off, the image of a certain someone came into view, making my heart drop in disappointed frustration.

I knew what I was about to do was a bad idea, but at this point, I had nothing else, I was desperate and upset. I was about to do something I knew for a fact I shouldn't, but what choice did I have?

"Colt. Turn this thing back on, I need to get out of here."