A Sliver of Infinite

chapter 27

I wished it, no, I willed it all away. My worries, my thoughts, my nerves, my inevitable heartache. I could do this. I could push it out of my mind and see what I wanted to see. Couldn't I? Why couldn't I? I want to live in a world of ignorant bliss. I don't want to feel the pain. I won't let it haunt me anymore. However in my short time here in this life, I've come to realize, pain and sadness always find their way. It was only a matter of time, and time unfortunately, never stops. Someone once said, your struggles and hard times in life make you appreciate the good that much more. Screw that. Let me play pretend a little longer.

After the appointment, I went home to prepare for the upcoming school week. I had a few papers I needed to finish up on before Monday, and it was very unlike me to fall behind, however, I found myself just scraping by to reach my due dates. The transfer of the most important thing in my life, from my studies to my first love, had caused me to slack a little, but I had it in me to do it all. After popping in my headphones while listening to classical music, I got in the zone and caught up within a few hours.

Checking my phone, I notice a new text from Dane.

Dane: Hey. I guess I won't be able to join you tomorrow at the shelter, I've got a meeting with Gordon at 3pm. :( Dinner after? My treat. Love you.

Sighing, I sit back in my seat, feeling a slight disappointment. It wasn't as if I expected Dane to help with the volunteer work I signed myself up for, it was just an odd feeling of sadness that washed over me. A deep dejection I couldn't really explain.

I am happy for Dane's opportunities and am excited to see what Gordon is offering him. He deserves to go to an amazing college and I am happy to hear more information about it. I'm not excited about the thought of us not being more than twenty feet apart at all times, but I need to set that aside. I want nothing but the best for him.

I text him back after collecting my emotions.

Kodi: Sounds great babe! I'm so happy for you, can't wait to hear all about it. Yes, dinner sounds amazing. I'll bring the dessert. ;) love you more.

It sounded like I was smiling when I wrote it, which is what I intended. Truth is, I'm torn up on the inside and I can't comprehend why. It isn't purely a selfish want of mine to keep him close, my mind has registered the problem before I could even perceive it.

A cloud of unfortunate truths had surfaced over my head, blocking me from my sunshine I so desperately sought out. If I walked faster, I could find the light for a tiny second before the cloud caught back up to me. But in the process of chasing the light, I'd grown tired. Too tired to fight for the limited happiness I sought. It was time I sat and surrendered to my cloud. Allowing it to consume me the way it unavoidably would.

Heading to Dane's that evening, I actually did bring dessert. A pecan pie, I had made with my mother, a bonding moment between us she was beyond grateful for. She always wanted me to enjoy the achievements of being a homemaker, but unfortunately, it just was never enough for me, I craved more.

Walking up to the flat, I hear Dane's voice. I pause for a second, thinking I was early and don't want to interrupt, only to double check that my watch says 7:35pm. I'm technically 5 minutes late.

Maybe Gordon is still here?

I sit and listen the best I can for a few minutes. I hear Dane telling him what his interests are as far as academics, and bits and pieces of him going on about his other passions.

Maybe the interview ran late?

Walking back down and over to my house, I decide to text him quickly, just to let him know when it's over to tell me so I can come back. I head inside of my house again, sitting on the reading chair in our study with the warm pie still on my lap, thinking for a second. Something struck a chord with me.