A Sliver of Infinite

Chapter 36

"I love you, Kodi." I hear his deep, hoarse voice whisper to me.

"Dane?" I call out, beyond happy to hear his voice again. "Dane, I miss you so much."

"How could you miss me if I never left?" he replies in his witty tone, his voice softer than before.

"Come closer, Dane. You're too far away. I can barely hear you."

"Kodi..." His voice grows even more distant. "Come talk to me. You know where to find me."

"Dane," I call out to him. "Dane, talk to me..."

Nothing but silence.

"Dane?! Come back!"

I wake in a panic, reaching out for something, only to realize there is no one here. I heard him in my dreams, I felt his presence. It felt so real to see him slipping away all over again. It hurts, this pain that's continuously piercing through my chest every time I begin to imagine that my dreams are my reality, when in the real world, I keep waking to this nightmare.

I sat there for a while, collecting myself, heart rate slowly returning back to normal, yet still drenched in sweat. I now lay awake in the darkness of my room, checking to see that the time was early in the morning. It's too early for the sun to rise and too late to try and fall back asleep. I don't know what to do with myself. I feel so lost, so incomplete. There was so much I wanted to say to him, so many questions I needed answers to, but I was left with nothing. The emptiness, pain, and confusion only someone who lost someone else to suicide would know.

Thinking back to my dream of him yet again, I remembered back to when he told me he could feel when I went to the tracks after he checked into treatment. He knew I was there. I hear his voice from my dreams again. He told me to come talk to him, that I knew where to find him. So, I went to the only place I knew to do just that. I threw on some sneakers and snuck through my window.

I walk through the dark wooded yard, crunching across the frozen terrain, the dark of the night pulling me deeper into my sorrowful thoughts. Coming upon our site, the tracks, I swallow down the urge to vomit from the pain that encompasses me. It's freezing cold, but the chill can't even reach me. Nothing physical could ever take over the suffering I've now internalized.

I sit down on the side of the track, looking up to the sky, the dark, beautifully lit sky of stars and wonder. Even after everything, this view still had the ability to make me feel small again, in a way that could only be described as complete awe. I run my fingers through my hair, grasping at it, as the tears come flowing again. I just miss him so much.

How could you leave me? If you truly loved me, why'd you leave me? I loved you so much. I just need something Dane, a reason, an answer, some sort of sign to show me that this wasn't all for nothing. That our love wasn't for nothing.

As I crumple in defeat with the feeling that I'll never get the answers I need to the questions I'll hold onto forever, I wipe my eyes, turning my head away from the stars as something catches my eye.

A white object stuck under the railroad ties.

Curiously making my way to it, I notice whatever it is, it's covered in plastic with twine tying it to the track. Pulling it off, I open the plastic bag that is surrounding a folded up paper.

My heart is pounding out of my chest, breathing becoming more difficult as I realize my name is written on the outside of the paper in Dane's handwriting. I open it as quickly as I can, seeing that it's a letter. With shaking hands, I grasp it to my chest tightly, eyes closed, before I hold it out in front of me to read. The last possible words coming from my lost love. I wait a few more seconds, holding onto the small amount of time I have to revel in the fact that there's still a piece of my future that contains him.

Releasing a large breath, I opened my eyes to read it.

Kodi, my greatest love,

I know you're here in our spot, reading this, despite your hatred for me at the moment. It's okay to feel anger. Open yourself to it, feel it, then let it go. You're far too amazing to let that take over who you are. I know you can't even begin to understand why I did what I did. You're the strongest, most determined girl I've ever known. You're a fighter, and giving up is the last thing you'd ever do.

But this time here hasn't been easy for me. I've struggled to be able to live the life everyone else has. You gave me a glimpse of that life though, you helped me to see it. You brought me the greatest gift I could've ever received, your love.

I know I took my chances opening up to you after trying to keep you away from all of the inevitable pain that came along with being with me, but I was too in love not to. I found something I knew instinctively I needed. It was you. It was always you. You gave me a reason to keep fighting everyday, but I was fighting a losing battle.

Watching you take care of me was painful. I saw the sadness and anxiousness in your eyes that you fought so hard to conceal. I knew it was only a matter of time before my illness took me and I couldn't have you remember me like that. I wanted your last picture of me to be one of the purest joy; you leaving my place, looking back at me one more time. The smile on your face, the happiness in your eyes is exactly how I'll remember you. How you should always be able to remember someone you love with your entire being, unconditionally.

What I want for you is to live out the rest of your days in fullness. Feel everything, whether it's painful, an abundance of happiness and laughter, joy, or extreme heartache. Feel, because it is the only thing that proves our extraordinary and unparalleled existence. You have a purpose here, you have the ability to change someone for the better. And that kindness, compassion, and understanding is something that will be spread over generations. You will cement your story into this world.

A love like ours doesn't come around everyday. It can change people, it can heal, and it alone is invincible. Our love is beyond anything imaginable. It cannot be quantified. It's a feeling to our core that can never be measured, yet it has the power to transcend across galaxies.

I believe that we have a connection that knows no bounds of space or time. That our souls are so woven together that we can communicate in an entirely different dimension all our own. That our innate attachment to one another will inadvertently lead us back to one another. Despite the hardships, you'll find your way home. To me.

Yours in this lifetime, the next, and always,

Dane

Realization struck me like a bolt of lightning, instantly electrifying my soul, warming every piece of me. It was the answer I was looking for, the one I'd had all along, my exact answer I gave in class. How could he have written this before he died? How could I have recited it word for word in class from my heart the way I so intuitively did? It was nothing short of a miraculous connection. A corroboration of two souls that couldn't be intercepted by time or place.

Sometimes we get so caught up in our story we forget to sit down and look at the greater picture surrounding us. Each individual person on this earth is going through their own journey, whether it be wonderful and full of love, or tragic and full of pain. Not one of us can ever fully understand or justify another's actions. Each man is traveling those miles in their own shoes, living through their own demons and darkness that's unseen to all in the depths of their mind.

Dane's journey here wasn't long, but we were able to find the meaning of it all in the short time we had. Some things will always be a mystery to us, but that's the magic of it all. If in the midst of this journey we are traveling together, on this small planet, in this small solar system, of our small galaxy, of our mysteriously expansive universe, we are capable of finding the deepest love, we can only consider ourselves humbled by the generosity of the greater powers that be.

The pain I feel in my heart now is the pain I will carry with me until the day I die. Dane left his mark on me, forever in my heart. He will always be a piece of who I am now. Living without him won't be easy. It's not supposed to be. But I will learn to live with this new scar, and proudly display the fact that the skin underneath it is now a little tougher.

The mysterious dark lake that was the depth of him will always be there, and I'll row my little canoe right along. The hole in my boat forever there, filling with the coldness of the water, yet never letting it pull me under. Not today.

I lay back on that track and look to our favorite cutout of stars, knowing I'll see him again. He gave me that hope. I'll find my way home to him in our ever expanding universe of wonder, our love transcending across whichever space or time that separates us.

Until then, I'll hold dear, my gateway to him, our little sliver of infinite.