A Sliver of Infinite

chapter 33

As I sat down in Dane's old seat for my last class of the day, I couldn't help but think about the choices I'd made in my life that led me to this point.

Asher was definitely my type in every sense of the word. We shared common interests and I know for a fact had we met at a different time we could've been happy together. But it's totally true what they say, you simply cannot help who you love.

Yes, my life would've been easier had I not fallen for Dane, had we not experienced what we've experienced together. But who wants easy? I've felt things I've never imagined before with Dane. He was my true soulmate in every possible meaning of the word. I felt as if we would've found each other in any lifetime, any universe, any realm.

Reflecting on everything we've been through, I surprised myself by realizing how different I had become. He pushed me to see the bigger picture in this life. To realize how minuscule the drama of high school was in comparison to the indescribable world around us. He pushed me to stand up to my parents, fighting to find who I was, especially with my mother who was trying to live her life vicariously through me, urging me to make decisions I didn't want for myself. He respected the fact that I gave so much of my time and energy to help others and pushed for me to continue that. He gave me the confidence to be myself and always loved me for nothing less. He always had my heart and I knew I always had his.

I knew I wanted to love him until the end of time. But, this lifetime and the next wasn't enough. I wanted more.

Whatever struggles we had yet to conquer, I was more than sure that we could. I was a fighter, and I would always fight for us and our future. The future that, unfortunately, was uncertain and not promised.

But what kind of future could we have? Was I being naive to think we could have a normal life together? Whatever normal is, anyways. Could we get married, have kids, live out our years together? Was that even possible with his condition? Had he even stopped to think about our future? To be honest, we had never really talked about it. Was he even truly happy? I knew he loved me, but did he love himself? Did he love his life the way it inevitably was?

I start to get an odd feeling all over my body, chills that run down the length of my spine, making me feel as if I'm not safe anymore. A feeling that can only be described as a nervous form of panic. The realization had set in. He wasn't happy at all. He was miserable. Words he had said to me in our time together rang out in my ears.

"I was trapped. Trapped between hell in my head, and heaven with you."

It was as if he had been caught in a wave. The water filling his mouth each time the tide rolled in, only to leave him gasping for air as it left. Never really breathing in fulfillment, never really living without the pain, never fully being able to succumb to drowning. He was trapped.

Before I can dive deeper into the dark depths of my thoughts, Mr. Mathison calls the class to attention.

"Alright guys, we are finishing up this unit with Jane Eyre. All of you should have finished it by now, as we will start our discussions on it. I'll start with a question, then randomly call on one of you until we've all had a chance to answer. Of course, if you'd like to take a question and raise your hand to voice your opinion," he states while some of the students groan.

"First question, what is the significance of religion in Jane Eyre?" He asks, looking out across the classroom.

Sam raises his hand immediately.

"Yes, Sam," he calls out.

"I believe that Jane was the type of character that truly lived her beliefs in Christianity rather than professed it as some of the other characters proclaimed to be, but did not act upon."