Car Insurance (Kleinsen) [DISCONTINUED]

13 - Evan

that moment when it's your 18th part of your book but it's only the 13th part of the actual story-

OHMYGOD ITS LITERALLY BEEN ALMOST A MONTH IM SO SORRY- AHHHHHHHHH

TW: mentions Evans past suicide attempt and some Evan angst :')

I know there's something wrong with Jared. I just know it. He's was acting... different when I saw him. He wasn't making jokes as much, and the ones that he did make just seemed forced.

And the blade. I feel like Jared has something to do with it, based on the way he was acting that night. He kept gripping his wrists, like how I did when I... never mind. He couldn't be doing that, Jared's not that type of person... right? (*coughs in cliche*)

I try to push those thoughts out of my mind, but part of me needs to see if Jared's okay. I reach for my phone and click on his contact. I scroll through the old messages, including the more recent one that he never responded to either. 

His words from last night ring through my ears.

"Well then why are you bothering me now?"

My fingers hover over the keyboard, unable to decide if I should just leave him alone or not. Before I can decide however, my door comes flying open.

"Hi mom." 

"Evan, I have amazing news!" Oh no. "So, you know how you applied for some colleges but decided that even if you got accepted you wanted to start next year? Yeah, so you got accepted and I maayyybeeee called them to let you join in after winter break." (lmfao welcome back to watching a 12 year old pretend to know how college works-)

My head snaps in her direction. "What? I thought we didn't have enough money, cause college is super e-expensive and...." I trail off, not knowing how to respond. "Mom, this is amazing! But seriously, how are we paying for it?"

"Welllll, you'll have to deal with student loans hehe." She winks at me. I sigh, but honestly I don't  care. I mean, college! I never thought I would make it.  "Also you start after winter break, which is  around January 10th. (help Idfk how college works why am I writing a college AU story-) So you have time, but you might want to start thinking about what you want to bring." She walks out of the room, and I hear her footsteps travel downstairs.

Wow okay.

Um.

My eyes float around the room, thinking of stuff that I would need with me. My gaze lands on my box of old letters, the ones to myself. My breath hitches, and I have the urge to throw them out right now. But I feel some sort of connection towards them. I guess they help me know how much I've grown.

I shake my head, clearing my thoughts. There's way to much shit going on right now, I need to calm down. 

A walk. I'm gonna go for a walk. Last time I did that didn't turn out so well so uh haha

Let's try again?

I grab my phone and earbuds, and walk out the door, after explaining to my mom where I was going.

I take a deep breath of fresh air, and begin walking down the sidewalk. I get scared any time a car passes, as I've convinced myself that Jared is going to just pop in randomly. Not that I wouldn't exactly mind but-

Damnit brain, shut up.

I get lost in my music and I stop paying attention to where I'm headed. I eventually run into a handmade sign, and I get shaken out of my trance.

Jesus fuck.

It's my sign that I made for the park, the one that I sent a picture of to my dad. The one he completely ignored.

Then it hits me. I'm at the park. The park. You know, where the whole arm snappy snappy thing happened. 

The incident that I lied about, the one that still haunts me. I have a brief vision of hanging out here with Connor, before it was quickly replaced with what really happened.

As these flashbacks fill my mind, I find myself venturing further and further into the park. Closer and closer to a certain tree.

I pause my music, overcome by the memories. The feeling that no one cared, that no one was going to care.

I found myself climbing the branches, despite my best efforts to just walk away. 

The bark under my hands feels no different then before. 

I sit on the branch, the one I let go of. I look down. It's a miracle that it didn't kill me, but I guess fate wouldn't allow me to die. I guess I have something to accomplish before my demise. Yay know, like making a whole family miserable by lying to them about their dead son. Yeah that's a great reason to me alive.

The feelings are overwhelming, like maybe everyone might've been better off with me gone. If I had just done one fucking thing right, then none of this Connor Project bullshit would've happened. But of course, I'm Evan fucking Hansen. So of course I can't do anything right, not even killing myself.

I take a few deep breaths, and try to calm down. 

My hands are to shakey to be able to climb down, but I need to. I need to get out of here. 

I manage to make it most of the way down, but once I'm about 9 feet off the ground, I slip.

I land softly on my back, and just lay there in the field.

"An open field that's framed with trees, we pick a spot and shoot the breeze, like buddies do"

It's almost like connor's sitting right next to me, like how my mind would make him up to make me continue lying. It's fake Connor.

I feel like he's lying next to me, telling me inside jokes, and singing random lyrics from random songs. Tears prick at my eyes. It's all fake, it's all just my damn imagination being so desperate for a friend that it twists my visions of a dead kid that I never knew into my "ideal" friend.

I yell.

I don't know why, but I do.

I just needed to.

It felt good.

Connors gone. He's always been gone. I never knew him, and I never will. The Murphy's have forgiven me, and even Zoe has too. It's over. The lies, the pretending. It's all over. It's been over, but I guess it's been hard to accept.

I can finally be me, because that's enough. It's enough for me, at least.

I stand up, and take a look around. It's beautiful. The trees, the birds, the sky. Everything.

I smile to myself, almost laughing through the tears. God, I've gone insane.

I check my phone, and realize it's been half an hour already. Mom's gonna be so mad. I turn towards the exit, passing the ever iconic homemade sign.

I head home, leaving my worries behind.

Jesus fuck that was a lot longer then I thought it was going to be

Anyways, I'm back haha :')

I may or may not have forgotten about this so thank you to the person that reminded me to update! (It was PeridotBlobfish so thank you so muchhhh)

AnYwAyS stay tuned for the next chapter that better be out soon or I give you guys permission to kill me