The Nanny

Chapter Thirteen

I waited in the restaurant for Jamal, until I could not wait any longer. I had to be on time for my flight. During that time, I called him, texted him and even wondered why he didn't show up. I made up so many reasons, that were all acting in his favor because this not something he would do. I'd like to think I know Jamal well enough, to know that he wouldn't do this. So I decided to keep on trying to call him and stopped once I realized that it could be a work emergency - the only reason that made sense to me and logical. I wasn't mad, just disappointed. I cared about him, I can't simply ignore that fact. I am also worried, but I knew he would call soon or later. But he will. 

I got to the airport, on time. The restaurant we had chosen to eat at was not far from the airport. I sat in the lounge, with my laptop out trying to get some work done. And prepare for  tomorrow's meeting. My concentration was not at 100 percent, I looked over at my phone whenever I could. But there was no notification, non from him anyway.

I boarded the flight and, there was an empty seat next to me.Usually Anisa would be sitting next to me. I don't like traveling alone, I prefer company. It's great to have a traveling buddy. Just as everyone settled in their sits and the air hostesses began serving drinks. I take out a magazine from the pocket in the front seat and start reading, trying to keep my mind occupied from thinking a lot. "Is there a problem sir?"

"No." My eyes avert from the magazine and look up to a familiar voice. I look at Him, and just stare if not glare. He puts his duffel bag in the over head compartment. Why does this keep happening? And he sits next to me. "Actually. Excuse me. Excuse me." He waves his hand and tried to get the attention of the air hostesses.

"Yes how can I help you sir?" She spoke softly and sweetly.

"Is it possible if I change my seat?" She briefly looks at me and then at Imad. I cover my face with the magazine.

"No, I am sorry you can not. The flight is full today, I am afraid they are no free seats."

"Okay." He replied and buckled his seat belt. "Thanks."

"You are welcome sir." She said and walked away. I sighed heavily, not making any effort hiding my disappointment. How did this happen? And Why?

"Mal." Imad speaks, his gaze on me. I could feel it. "I didn't plan this. I swear." I nod - just to ensure him that I heard him and there will be no need of small talk. The rest of the flight Imad and I, sat next to each other, in silence. As if we had vowed to do so. Which worked for me, as I managed to get some work done. But not a lot for Imad. As whenever I would glance at him, I could see his reluctance at making conversation with me, like he was trying to hold himself back and the discomfort with the silence. Unbothered is the look I went for. It might be the reason why he is irritated.

"I can't do this anymore," he whispered under his breath - head low.

"Do what?" I asked. Curious enough to care what he had to say.

"This. Amal. Obviously this is destiny playing out. We can't sit for the rest of the flight in silence. Even though you don't have to talk to me. Please hear me out."

"I don't want to. Nothing you will ever say will mend what you broke. You had four years. Even if this is destiny, I plan not to play along," I told him and looked away. Too enraged to continue to look at his eyes filled with regret and somber.

"I am sorry, I really am. For all the pain you went through alone, pain that not everyone can understand. Layla was a mum to me as well. And not everyone understood what losing her meant; no more warmth, no more comfort when you're in distress and no more unconditional love. I felt distancing myself would me make hurt less and forget faster. I thought I would heal, be stronger for everyone, and be there for you. Instead I hurt alone, hurt you, and remember constantly."

"I don't know what you want from me."

"Please allow me to be there for you." He spoke and waited for my response.

"Give me one good reason why I should."

"Because we are family," he sighed. "And I failed to remember that when you needed me the most."

"I will need some time..."

"Yeah yeah of course. I know it will take time and I don't expect you to instantly let me back into your life and forgive and forget. I'll do the work and regain your trust and hope for the best." He interjected, spoke hopefully and purposefully.

"Okay." 

"I visited Anisa a couple of times. Didn't go back to visit her again, I just couldn't bare to see her so still. That's not who she is, she's bubbly and hyper and fun. Seeing her there just didn't seem right."

"She will get better, even though everyone believes otherwise. Just pray for her recovery."

"I do. Everyday."

...

We parted ways at the airport. Imad is going to Spain, where his next swimming competition will take place. Thus he had to take another flight. I didn't necessarily say anything, or try be warm and friendly towards him. I stood my ground and listened to him attentively as he promised me to stay in contact. I did wish him well - I am not that cold. My mother would be furious if I hadn't, she raised a kind hearted woman. The chauffeur picked me up from the airport , to drive me to the hotel I am staying at. Looking outside the window, seeing the tall buildings and the lethargic weather - I was back home. I grew up in London, yet it no longer feels like home anymore. Just a place that held my memories, the best ones. I felt this feeling in me, coming and going in waves. I couldn't put a name to the feeling, but it was not happiness nor sadness.  

When I got to the hotel, my phone started buzzing due to the messages that hadn't come through. Most of the messages were from Rayana, some from Aunty Hudaa. But non from Jamal. I will be the bigger person and text him first, but I never got past the send button. I wanted to tell him about my flight and share what I feel today, and just talk to him. Like how we usually do. Something was wrong, call it intuition. But I knew Jamal was not okay. So I called him. And he picked up.

"Uh hey Amal," He spoke, sounding rather hesitant.

"Hi," I said.

"I have been meaning to get back to you. It's been so crazy at work. I am sorry I didn't make it for breakfast. I promise I'll make it up to you."

"Yah I understand." I told him. My mother said the truth always found it's way out, if Jamal is not okay I will know soon or later. We continued talking, about other things. Nothing about the events that took place today. I wanted to be there for him and just listen. Still the thoughts lingered in my mind- why was Jamal acting different. He was talking differently, like he was there and wasn't at the same time. I ended the conversation, claiming I was tired and needed to rest - which I was. But talking to him was always an exception, until today. I decided time apart would do him good, maybe he is overwhelmed and can't say it.