Serenity - A Journal Of Some Sort

First Things First

You've all always known me as Olivia Janet. I've kept this pen name since I've joined Wattpad as a middle schooler, but I feel like it's time you guys knew the real me. I've grown tired of living under a pen name online, under a fake smile in real life.

I'm tired of holding back.

So hi, everyone. First things first, let me introduce myself.

My name's Ashlynn Elliott. 

I'm an absolute mess.

I used to be a little girl with my head in the clouds; I refused to admit it but I still believed in mermaids and fairies and magic was solidly convinced at one point that my best friends secretly had superpowers. I found obsessions in a particular show about alien space gems, books about feral cats fighting in the woods, a musical about a guy from 300 years ago.

Each of the phases of my life I can see as a different person. When I look in the mirror, I'm met with every different version of me. Sometimes I'm ashamed of them. Sometimes I wish I could reach out and correct them, grab them by the shoulder and console them, or maybe slap some sense into them. 

And sometimes I feel them all standing behind me. Because I know that every version of Ashlynn Elliott, whether she be herself or Olivia Janet or Carolina Taylor or the thousands of other characters she wrote herself into her stories, has molded her into the girl she is now. And every version of me is still with me, still a part of me, no matter how much I've changed.

The last year of my life has been one for the books. That's a lie - I'd rather do anything than revisit the memories at this point. I wish I could just erase it from my brain. Erase him from my brain. But I can't, and I'm learning to accept it.

A few months ago, I was at the worst I've ever been in my life. If you've read my last horror show of a status book, you've probably pieced together at least a few of the details. I've never shared the full story, I probably won't. But I mentally crumbled, and my anxiety got the best of me. 

I've been healing since then. It's still a rocky road, but with the help I've gotten, I've been able to pull myself up and piece myself back together. 

My mind is absolute chaos. It's always been. Which is why I write. Why I draw. Why I create. To make some sense of this chaos. It brings me peace.

And I think I'm finally starting to have a taste of serenity. 

Which, in itself, is a beautiful thing.