Serenity - A Journal Of Some Sort

i once believed love would be black and white

Growing up, I've always believed love was a black and white thing. You either loved someone, or you didn't. You were either together, or you weren't.

I've always heard stories and could never believe my ears. If you were in love with someone, love would conquer anything, right?

And if you weren't truly in love, you'd know. And so then you break up and move on and you're free.

That's how I'd looked at it my whole life. I thought of it almost like playground relationships in elementary.

Either you were in love or you weren't.

I don't think love is black and white anymore.

It's all gray area. Confusion, fueled by a spark shared but all at once chaos that just so happened to be timed right. And if you try to explain it, things just get more confusing.

It's all blue. For the emotions, the sadness, everything you lose and sacrifice for this person, but you do it anyway because it's them and you have to do it for them. But blue is the color of that silent mourning.

It's all red. Red is for the anger you feel towards all of their faults, all of their mistakes and the shots they've taken against you, but you hold it down any way because forgive and forget. But you still feel it burning, bright crimson anyway.

Purple is for fear. Fear of losing them, fear of being alone, fear of everything going back to the way it was before you met them. Fear of confrontation, fear of everything not being exactly perfect. All of this yet you also dear the future, like, what if this goes too far? What if I get so wrapped into this that I lose myself, and by then it's too late to look back?

And pink is for those little moments of love. Flicking each other's hair, feeding each other cookies, soft kisses on cheeks in the mirror after a busy day. Long walks in the woods before sunset and sitting on the swing counting the stars. Little moments that make up for the big things. Little things that hide the brokenness.

Love isn't black and white.

But then again, I'm not sure if it's exactly a rainbow either. In a rainbow, you can distinguish each one of the colors.

Maybe it's more like a kaleidoscope.

Or maybe it's neither. Maybe it's just a hurricane.

But what would I know? I'm not even sure if I've ever been in love.