Serenity - A Journal Of Some Sort

escape

I feel almost disconnected. Like I'm stuck in this same loop in my head, over and over and over again while the rest of the world moves on without me.

I keep waking up. Going to my job. Taking care of kids. Coming home. Driving around in my car. Thinking about my ex. Fighting my toxic thoughts. Having a moment of self-discovery. Writing a vague poem about it. Then going back to stalking him on Instagram, like always, reminiscing about the past, and then finally giving up and going to bed just to stop the thoughts going through my head.

It just never stops. It just never stops.

And I see my brother and sister getting closer and closer, my family bonding without me while I'm off watching somebody else's kids, then coming home at 9 at night, lost in my own world that I've all but abandoned. 

It's already gone, so what have I got left to do with it?

And every day, I think I'm getting better, but every step forward feels like another leap back.

Sure, I'm talking to other guys now, but every single one, I compare to him. Because he's all the basis I have. And that just gets me thinking about him again.

Every time I forget about him, when I finally feel good about myself, I think, Wow, if he could only see me now. What would he think of me now?

Every change I make in my life, I wonder what he would think. I scroll through my Instagram and my Wattpad page, trying to see it from his eyes. I wonder if he stalks me, and what he must think my life must be like now. And it's all I do.

I dress up in the mirror, making sure that if somehow we would run into each other in public, I would be enough to make him miss me. Every time I go somewhere, I'm looking for his shadow, his car, his friends, his family, something, anything. 

And everywhere I go, it seems like he's there too. Random relatives' house, I still see our prom picture hanging up, with his smiling face and my hopeful eyes. I want to just burn it. It makes me so mad. 

People I haven't seen since last year, "Are you still dating that cute farm boy??" Ughhhhhh

And then every time I want to tell a story, somehow he's got a part of it. I've tried so hard to erase him from my life but there's just no erasing a person who used you for theirs. 

It just feels like there's no escape. I'm never going to escape. I'm never going to escape. 

It's just the same sh*t, over and over and over again.

And I know y'all are sick of hearing about it as much as I am dealing with it.