Living a Lie [Jamilton]

Chapter 22

Trigger warning: alcohol mention, death mention

Author's note: First chapter of the new decade! Whooo!!! I'll be updating a lot more now that I'm (kind of) getting my life together lol. 

Alexander Hamilton was kissing Thomas Jefferson.

And Thomas Jefferson was kissing him back.

They'd kissed many times when Thomas was pretending to be Lafayette. But this kiss felt different. Before, they'd been kissing like two lovers who had kissed many times before, who knew each other inside and out. Now, they were kissing like two people on a first date, kissing for the very first time.

In a way, they were.

Alexander Hamilton and Marie-Joseph Paul Yves Roch Gilbert du Motier, Marquis de Lafayette had kissed numerous times.

But Alexander Hamilton and Thomas Jefferson had never kissed.

Until now.

"Alexander..." Thomas whispered as he pulled away, his face flushed with desire and shame.

"I have to go." Alex said, standing up and backing away from Thomas as though he had a contagious disease that Alex did not want to catch.

"Alex..."

"I... have a meeting. Yes, I have a meeting! Goodbye!"

Thomas watched Alex run away, sprinting as though he'd just seen a ghost.

Thomas stood up and walked back inside, shoving his way through the crowd to get to the kitchen.

I am going to need a lot of alcohol to deal with this.

Oh my God, how could I do this?

Alex was sitting on the floor of his shower crying. His face was wet, though he could no longer tell whether it was the shower water or the tears that streamed down his face. It was probably a grotesque combination of the two.

How? How could I do this?

He had kissed Thomas Jefferson.

Thomas had been in the middle of speaking and Alex had leaned in and kissed him.

He didn't know what had come over him.

One minute, he'd been talking to Thomas like a normal person, and the next he had been kissing him.

He'd never made the conscious decision to kiss Thomas, never thought okay, now I'm going to kiss him.

It had just... happened.

It was like he wasn't in control of his body. He didn't even realize what he was doing until it was too late. It had taken some time for what he was doing to fully register.

And when it finally registered, he'd freaked out. And pulled away. And ran away.

"I... have a meeting. Yes, I have a meeting! Goodbye!"

Alex shook his head and laughed. A small, weak, pathetic laugh.

"I have a meeting?" Really, Alexander? Three years of law school and "I have a meeting" is the best you could come up with?

Alex remembered the kiss. Remembered the way Thomas' lips had felt on his. Alex had felt like he was flying, like the whole world had disappeared and him and Thomas were the only ones who remained. There were no problems, there was no pain. It was just him and Thomas in their perfect little universe.