Hello my name is: a PruCan fanfic

Epilogue

I stared silently at the blank sheets of paper in front of me, a stir of emotions grabbing at my heart as the eraser of my pencil bounced against the desk I was sitting at. I was alone, and this was my final battle. One for closure that was much needed. Closure I kept pushing back because I told myself I didn't need it. A gift I deserved to give myself. So I wrote:

You have been with me for longer than I can recall. Growing up you held my face as tears streamed down my cheeks, you kissed my bruises and scrapes, you laced words I thought I deserved to hear. I vowed to never touch you, afraid of what you had to offer me. I saw clearly what you had offered others. Bliss, an escape that seemed so easy, but appeared to ruin lives. I remember your taste, the way you danced with me and the way you caused me pain. After, I wanted distance from our relationship, I was afraid to be hurt by you.

I couldn't stay away. We were perhaps the greatest love story of all time. Maybe even the saddest. You sat and watched as I said my goodbye to my father, you sat and watched like a lover as I was hurt. I threw you around, yelled at you, but I held you softly because I started to believe that you had something to offer me. I believed you had some comfort for me.

I met you to celebrate, you were my closest companion. You made me feel so good I never wanted the celebration to end. That's when I fell in love with you, when I learned what you truly had to offer me. Bliss, happiness. I held you for days, would never leave you. No other lover was important from that moment on. Food was unessential when I had you.

You were imperfect, you made me sick. I was isolated from the real world with you, became codependent on your offerings. I woke up in places unknown to me with you at the hands of what was happening. Then the day came and I found you were trying to take my life, and that's when it went too far. I craved you, longed for your presence. It's time for this silly love story, this silly tragedy to end. 

I don't want you anymore. I don't need you anymore. Your temptations mean nothing but pain and death to me now. This is my closure. This is my final goodbye to you.

All my love,

Matthew Williams

Tears rolled down my face as I set my pencil down and folded the letter into an envelope. I placed it carefully on my desk, before going to lay in bed. Gilbert wasn't home, he was away on a work trip. Tomorrow he would be back and everything would resume from where it had been left. The only difference is I would be a little more free.

I knew that recovering from addiction wouldn't be easy. If it was then there was be a lot less drug addicts and alcoholics in the world, wouldn't there. I just thought it wouldn't happen to me.

Stupid. After ten years of nursing a vodka bottle day and night I assumed I would be free because I had to go through cancer.

The thing is, I'll never be free. I'll always want to have a sip of wine in the evening, have a casual drink with my friends for celebrations or holidays. I can't, not only in risk of relapsing, but because I wouldn't survive.

My therapist told me to write a letter to alcohol, tell it my last goodbyes. I did, and it felt good. Unbeknownst to me, it felt like something I really needed. Goodbye's are now something that are essential to me. It's too risky to go without one.

I'll always miss my dad, I'll always miss alcohol. Both were bad for me, nearly killed me, left me damaged. Both had such bright gleaming positives I was able to cancel out what negatives laid in front of me. 

Glancing at the clock I determined it was time to stop thinking. It was time to sleep. I kissed the wedding ring on my finger, wishing Gilbert a peaceful night sleep, and somewhere I knew he was  doing the same.