Teach me

8

It had been around 3 months since Seokjin lost Yeeun.

He was now able to speak her name once again, and he was getting comfortable talking about her to third faces.

After a long discussion with his inner self (and a qualified therapist that Namjoon made him go to), he concluded that he could no longer live like this, by burdening himself with all this guilt and pressure.
Yeeun's death was not his fault, even though he had tried his best to persuade himself for the opposite.
He had to admit to himself that he had lost a precious part of his life.
It would take years in order to fully recover from his loss.
However, this doesn't mean that he should destroy his own life, by enduring to self-harming behaviors.

Furthermore, that didn't mean that he should build walls against people that were willing to help, accept and love him. He should cherish the existence alone, of those individuals, that wanted to be next to him though those difficult times.

He decided that an immediate rearrangement of his life was needed.

He started going on walks more, working harder and longer, getting out with Namjoon as often as humanly possible.

He even started going on cooking classes every Tuesday. To be frank, he felt relaxed while cooking, it git his mind wandering, and being able to create more complex and delicious dishes for his dear Namjoon was a great bonus.

His life started to fall into place.
He was right where he should be.

Except...

"Today is the day.." Seokjin thought while getting out of bed "No more excuses Jin, this is it. You have to go."

Seokjin dressed in black, with no rush, slowly and steadily, as though he was obligated to do so. He put on his best tie, and took a jacket with him as well. The weather did started to get quite chilly during the afternoon, after all.

He got out of the house and in his car. He drove unwillingly towards a flower shop, entered and quickly bought a bouquet of white lilies. They were smelling sweetly, and made Seokjin slightly warmer inside.

He decided to walk instead of taking his car again. He was in need of some fresh air and some time to clear his head.

Around an hour later, he was standing in front of the gigantic gates of a cemetery. It looked dark and gloomy, even though it was  noon in mid October. Seokjin slightly pushed the gates, feeling a cold chill flooding his mind and body.

He felt... sad there. Nothing less, nothing more, just painfully sad. His chest fell heavy and his eyes were burning all of a sudden.

He concluded that he hated being here.

His gaze was observing throughout all these unknown, to him, graves that loomed around him.

All these unfortunate, now long gone souls, which Seokjin was unaware of their pain, happiness, sadness, experiences, family or simple existence. It was upsettingly heavy to think about.

Some were elder. "They have lived their lives though, it was finally their time to rest.." Seokjin thought "They are better now."

Some, however, were younger. Some not even adults. "Their parents must have suffered so much because of their deaths.."

His first tear rolled down his cheek. It was quick and silent however, and Seokjin wiped it immediately.

He finally found her.
After a lot of searching he found Yeeun.

Her grave was white, made out of marble. It was small, petite. Delicate, light and subtle, matching her perfectly.

Seokjin chuckled mournfully at her remembrance.

He also noticed that some roses were already placed in a glass jar that was left out.

Seokjin snorted narkily.

"She hated roses.." he thought, frustrated that the person leaving them here didn't know Yeeun as much as him.

He got the roses out, and got the white lilies, her favorite flowers, in the jar. They looked beautiful.

Just like her.

Seokjin sat down next to her grave.
He didn't care that his good pants would get ruined.
He didn't care that he would become stained and soiled from the dirt and the mud.
He didn't care.
Not anymore.

He stayed and talked with Yeeun for hours.
He cried throughout the whole conversation.
He told her how much he missed her.
How much she meant to him.
How much he truly, deeply loved her.
How much he wishes he could turn back time, to do something, anything, in order to save her.
How much he grieved for her.
How much he needed her.
How many times he wanted to come here and talk to her, but was too weak to do so.
How many times he stepped out of the door, with the cemetery as his final destination, but was too much of a coward.
How many days passed blandly due to her absence.
How many nights he cried himself to sleep.

He told her everything, everything he felt, thought or did, everything.
And he probably was alone, but he didn't felt alone.
He knew, deep inside, that Yeeun was there, listening to his cries and sorrow, forgiving and accepting his mistakes.

At the end, crying and sobbing, he sat at his knees and prayed.
Seokjin felt in need of help during his hospital days, and he started to pray more and more regularly as a result.
He felt lighter every time he did.
And he felt as though he wanted to pray at this very moment.
Where the birds were chirping happily, the autumn breeze was lightly stroking his hair and the sun started to set slowly.
He prayed that Yeeun was happy.
He prayed she was resting somewhere beautiful.
He didn't care that he felt miserable. He wanted his love to be happy, appreciated and somehow peaceful.

That was all he wanted.

They witnessed the sunset together. It was beautiful and calm, creating a memorable scenery. It gave him a sence of salvation. Maybe even his long-awaited redemption. He finally felt free of guilt and pain. He could live without Yeeun.

He could live.