redamancy | jace herondale

18

I felt numb.

Like nothing.

The pain that came with the death of my mother was too strong for me to feel it.

Whatever I felt went numb.

I had lost her once and now I had lost her again.

And this time she wasn't coming back.

Except I didn't hog all the pain.

I knew Jace lost his mother too.

And I knew Alec felt guilty about it.

I just didn't realize how much, until I was standing in the door frame of the roof of the Institute, stopping at the sound of Alec's shouting.

"Stop pretending this never happened!" Alec's shout echoed at Jace, holding onto his bow and arrow.

"I couldn't save you from Valentine." Alec's voice sounded broken when it came down from a shout, "I couldn't save you from the City of Bones-"

"And now- now, I- she's Zee's mother." Alec's voice shook, "I took my best friend's mother away from her- she already lost her mother once- and now again- because of me-"

Jace swallows, "Nobody blames you-"

"They should." Alec ended the conversation by leaping off the roof and running off.

-

I stood where my dead mother laid, tears burning in my eyes as I ran a hand through her hair repeatedly, staring at her lying still.

I regretted so much.

I should've been there.

"Hey." Jace's voice filled my ears, making me look up, "You okay?"

"I don't know." I stare at him, "Do I look okay?"

Jace sighs a little and walks over to me, standing across from me, on my mother's other side, "Fair enough."

"I don't know why- but, all I feel right now- is anger- and regret." I looked away, "Not a drop of sadness-"

"Zee, it's okay to grieve-" Jace slowly walks around and came to my side, "Especially now-"

"I was raised to channel every emotion to anger or not feel at all." I looked back at him, "I regret it all- I'm angry- about it all."

Jace stays silent.

"I should've spent more time with her when she got back- when she made her way back to me." Part of me was blaming myself as I looked away from him, "Instead I was running around with Clary and was trying to save the woman that tried to kill you."

"Zee-" Jace places a hand on my back, making chills run up my spine, "It's not your fault."

I stayed silent for a moment, before sighing, "I'm- sorry, she was your mom too- how are you? Are you okay?"

"I don't know." Jace swallowed hard, "I thought I'd be able to get to know her more- since she disappeared-"

"And she'd get more time to know me as more than just an experiment gone wrong." Jace quietly added, "I- I just figured we'd get more time."

-

"What are you doing?" I walked in later that day to see Clary standing next to my mother, cutting a piece of her hair off, holding a strand from before.

"Zee-" Clary jumped up, looking at me with wide eyes, "I- nothing-"

"Clary." I stepped closer to her, staring at her with a hard look, "Why are you cutting her hair? What- what is it for-"