Shattered

Chapter 7

After our dinner we managed to get home before Leo's bedtime. "I'll get him," Nathan says reaching over to take Leo out of his car seat because he was sleeping. He was so exhausted that the whole car ride home he just slept.

I lead him into the house all the way to Leo's room, I undress Leo to put his pyjamas on, even though he was half awake and Nathan help me put him in his bed to sleep. Before walking out I tucked him in putting his favourite plush toy beside him to sleep with, it was a rhinoceros and he's had it since he was a baby.

With all the money I had, I decided to get him a rhinoceros, which was the first thing I did when we went for a walk outdoor.

I needed groceries so I pushed him to the grocery stores in a stroller that wasn't too expensive, luckily there were cheap baby item that was affordable in my price range to just perform the task require to be accomplished. I saw a toy store beside the big buildings of grocery stores and decided to go into look around and there was the cutest plush toy sitting on the shelf in the back. It was just waiting for me to be attracted to it and pick it, that night Leo started to sleep with the rhinoceros and then later on do everything with it.

Even though I didn't have enough money, I needed to get him as something to hold onto, that money could've went towards a payment for a new car but I wanted him to have the best childhood. It didn't matter what state I was in, no matter what I prioritize him even if I had to sacrifice my own happiness. In a heart beat I would do anything for my lovely son, every memory was a blessing for me and happiness so nothing mattered. We head our way downstairs to the living room to sit, continue our conversation, we both sat across from each other with the coffee table in the middle filling in the gap between us.

"The photos in the frames are beautiful, who took them?" Nathan compliments, in my house there were pictures of me and Leo in most of my frames on the wall. The frames with stands contained pictures of me during my pregnancy.

I chuckle softly, "actually, I took them myself. I didn't really have much money so I just used my phone camera and it worked out perfectly fine." There were pictures of my pregnant belly at different weeks in chronological order, some of the ultrasound pictures and many other artistic ones.

Nathan frowns, "I really wished I was there... I've missed so much and a lot from Leo's childhood, your ultrasounds, your checkups, your cravings, your growing stomach, the first time hearing his heartbeat, finding out the gender, the baby shower, people admiring your pregnant stomach, his birth. I also can't forget his first smile, his first steps, the first word he's ever said, first day of school and just watching him grow up in general..." I can see the hurt and regret deep in his eyes as they fill up with tears. Only once in my life Nathan has cried in front of me and that was during our wedding when we recited our vows. "All of this was missed by just some stupid misunderstanding I made. I'm so stupid."

"It's okay, really. At least you are here now trying to make a difference and that's all that matters. Okay?" I reassure him to relieve some of his regret, he just misunderstood the whole situation, even though I was severely hurt emotionally, seeing him sad would just break my heart more then make it happy that he realize where he was wrong.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, go ahead." I tell him.

"What was it like? I mean when you were pregnant? What was pregnancy like?" Once he asked that question it was just a trigger for me, it was a subject that brought me so much joy but also made me want to die. I smiled staring away from him with a smile that looked like I was giving up, I couldn't bare to look him straight in the eyes and I averted them straight away looking at my white lilies in the vase on the coffee table.

Tears immediately welled up in my eyes, a tear left my eye, "i-i-it was amazing," I tried to say but my voice cracked as I stuttered. I wiped the escaping tears with the back of my hand and started fake smiling.

"Alina, what's wrong?" Nathan asks with worry, god why am I so damn freaking emotional? He came over to sit beside me and took my hands in his to comfort me, rubbing the back of my hand soothingly. "You just said it was amazing."

"I mean, it was. But it was also a really low time for me..." I say as I sobbed, it couldn't be kept in no longer. The emotions needed to be let out, no one was here with me when I needed to talk and it put a lot of weight on me.

"Do you want to tell me what happened..?" He asks carefully trying not to make me cry even harder.

"Okay," I huff trying to breath normally again. "This is going to be a lot, I don't know if you actually want to hear it and it's such a long story..."

"I'm not going anywhere tonight Alina, I'll stay here with you tonight okay?" He offers coming closer to take me in his arms and I nod in response letting him know that he has my permission.

"When I was pregnant it was really hard... I didn't gain the required weight for normal pregnant women, it was hard when the tabloids ruined me and everything I've had. You cut me off, I had no money, and no place wanted to hire me when I was the face of every article. I've only eaten food that I could get ahold of at the diner I worked at. My stupid car got stolen, I got a new crappy car but no gas money. Everywhere I wanted to go I walked because I wanted my son to have all the money I made during that time and I lived basically in a shit room on the worst street ever. I almost even committed sucide... it was just too much but I had to keep going for my baby. And when I was seven months pregnant with Leo, I went into labour early due to stress and had a c-section." I say sobbing as I retell my pass to the one person I thought would always be by my side to help me get through with things.

"I'm so sorry that I wasn't here to help you with any of that, if I could I would go back in time to change the outcome of what happened. I wish that it never had to reach that point for you, it pains me to know that you suffered all that for no reason. To just believe you instead of being too conceited about what other people told me..." he says with tears in his eyes and his voice was cracking with emotional sorrow like me.

"The paparazzi stressed me out way too much, made my life a living hell. It was so intoxicating. My one question is, why didn't you come when I needed you the most..? You said that you would change everything if you could, that you wanted kids more then anything and want to be in Leo's life. Tell me why you weren't there when I went into labour and called you? That was your chance!" I asked raising my broken exhausted voice while tears streamed down my face and I cried into Nathan's chest. "How could you just leave me in the hospital in labour trying to ask you to come help me? I didn't ask anything from you and you left me there like someone that never meant anything to you. Like you said your fucking slut." It was at the point where it didn't matter if he saw me crying like a maniac, I kept hitting him on the chest but he was way to strong to even feel it. He just accepted it as my mental state wasn't in the right place at the moment.

"You're not my slut. What are you talking about? I did care about you with all my heart and I still do. When did you ask me to go to you?" Nathan asks with confusion written all over his face. It was like he actually didn't know what were talking about, he really has me thinking now. Did he actually love me or was it all for show? Was it all just for show, was I really just his slut..?

"You know what I'm fucking talking about!" I snap at him, it really wasn't a good time for him to start playing dumb innocent when he knows very well what he did.