Shattered

Chapter 54

Our family was in the car on the way to the funeral home where the ceremony will be held, a feeling of dread was at the bottom of my stomach when knowing that his body would be out on display for all of us. Nathan focused on the road ahead of us not holding my hand like he normally does or no hand resting on my thigh. When coming back into his life he would always do that, why isn't he? I think it's just me overthinking this. Only today has he physically touched me because of the dramatic scene of this morning.

In bed he hasn't been wrapping his arms around me either, did he not.. like touching me anymore? Is he pushing away because now he knows I'm not feeling anything about my father's death?

I knew that it was messed up.

It feels like Nathan has also been avoiding me, why hasn't he just come to lay with me or something? The relationship between us has gotten stronger, but what if it was because of me that it's getting weaker?

The internment was going to be kept small with only a few people visiting, my dad never wanted many other to cry over him over this moment of sadness. Such a positive guy after he recovered from the toxic factors of the past.

Clearly death is something that is unanticipated, it only takes seconds for a love one to slip from your grasp, you never know when your last time is. Which is the reason we have to always be grateful and cherish every moment because we never know when our last conversation is. He left behind an impact on his loved ones, Skye has been trying to get the funeral together with Nathan. It's been hard for me to plan it, they would occasionally ask me for my opinion on how they wanted it.

Looking in the back to check on Leo, he was sleeping after the amount of sugar he had. My speech for today is going to be a whirlwind of emotions m, when you're uncertain about your feelings it makes it really arduous to predict what's coming. On the paper which was stuffed in my purse had words written with sentiments, but it was making me anxious and nervous. I want it to be perfect.

While speaking to Catherine she kind of assisted me in writing my speech since my thoughts were jumbled everywhere unable to make coherent phrases. Feeling slightly displeased when it was barely me who wrote it, all of this won't even seem like my effort when I know she just organized my idea.

How can the person closest to him feel the least bit of sadness? What is wrong with me? Nathan looks like he has been more upset about my father's passing. My anger is mostly directed at myself for not having more intense feelings when mourning my dad. Grieving has been such a different experience when your emotions are constantly fluctuating with no way of controlling them, my three primary sentiments are happiness, sadness, and anger. All three have been rotating nonstop and it has been very exhausting.

Do other people feel like this? Do other people grieve like I do? Why do I feel like how it's happening is wrong? Should I even be the one giving a speech when all I feel inside it's a hole of emptiness?

My father deserves someone to Give a speech with more emotions than me, thinking of myself going up on The small podium brings me a picture of me verbally saying everything, yet in a monotone voice and I'm terrified that what if other types of sentiments expose themselves.

The burial was happening at the cemetery near my dads place, he's always talked about how he loved home because it was where his heart was and thinking of doing his ceremony there would be similar to him being home. Skye texted me that she was bringing my honey bear stuffed animal, my dad gave me that toy which was my favourite and he started calling me honey bear. My decision was to bury it with him since it held so much meaning to the both of us.

We parked in the parking lot then got out of the car, Nathan chose to carry Leo until he wakes up, he was already tired from this morning. "You got him?" I ask him.