Within A Year

Chapter 8

Although I had had an extremely positive day yesterday I knew it was never going to last. As I had fully expected my demons had returned and I felt miserable once more. I couldn’t really explain why because it has always been that way. My mood is unpredictable and I was powerless to control it. Therefore the logical solution was to visit Rachel again.

Obviously it was not something I was looking forward to and I was still fairly skeptical whether it would help at all but I had to give it another try. Besides it would give me an excuse to avoid Fletcher who I still hadn’t spoken to since yesterday. It was stupid really, I wasn’t exactly angry with him just a bit annoyed. Even though he had attempted to call me several times, I simply didn’t answer. Was I taking it too far? He was my best friend after all; I shouldn’t be giving him the silent treatment without actually letting him explain himself. Nevertheless, I decided to go to see Rachel the counsellor first.

"I’m glad you see you again" she smiled as I took a dear opposite her. I don’t know what it was but her chirpy attitude was getting on my nerves more than it had last time, perhaps today really was going to be a bad day. I faked a laugh and nodded before watching her pull out her notebook from the drawer in the desk.

“Hmm… where shall we start?” She wondered quietly, tapping her pen against her chin. I think she knew I was a complicated case and that there was probably a lot to talk about in order for me to put an end to my demons. It then entered my mind that there was a chance I was suffering from depression. I always knew it was likely, considering Fletcher and I had had very similar experiences but I had never actually been diagnosed.

“How do you know when you have depression?” I asked out of nowhere, evidently startled her as she was deep in thought. Rachel frowned slightly,

“Well there are many symptoms… Everyone is different and suffers from it in different ways”

“And what’s the possibility of me having it?” She stayed silent for a while, taking in my deeply serious question.

“It’s certainly a possibility, but just because you have had a traumatic past does not mean you definitely have it. Absolutely anyone can suffer from it, even people with supposedly wonderful lives.”

I nodded in response. I basically knew everything she was saying already; did she not remember that I was friends with Fletcher? I had seen him go through it for years, which is exactly why I was apprehensive.

“There are many tests that we can do to determine whether you are a sufferer but I would have to refer you to a trained psychotherapist… would you be up for that?” It was definitely something I didn’t like the idea of. Speaking to yet another new person about my inner most feelings and reliving the pain, I don’t think I would be able to do it.

Rachel and I discussed my options for a while before I finally agreed to see a psychotherapist, granted I had to think about it carefully but if it meant I could find out whether my thoughts were not my fault then I could die in peace. I hated thinking that I wanted to die simply because I was weak. Although I don’t think wanting to die means you’re weak, it just means you’ve been strong for too long. That night when I was stood on that window ledge ready to jump, I was exhausted. Exhausted of being brave and acting as though everything was okay, it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. 

“Okay, so I’ve made you an appointment for Friday next week at 3 ‘o clock, is that alright?” Rachel asked, her eyes still fixated to her computer screen.

“Yeah…” I replied timidly, starting to regret my decision already. I had been the one to bring it up though, I couldn’t back out now. Everythingwas starting to fall into place and as I left the counselling building, I suddenly felt a weight lifted from my shoulders. Of course, I was still terrified to go to the appointment but it would give me answers in the end, answers that I had wondered about for a long time.