Within A Year

Chapter 17

Disclaimer:  This chapter features self harm. Please do not read this if it could be triggering for you.

A week passed. One whole week passed since I had argued with Fletcher and I still had not heard from him. Olive was also keeping her distance as she did not want to upset Fletcher and as for Rocky, well I don’t think he cared enough to even contact me after what Olive had shouted now the phone to him. It must have clicked in his mind that I heard what he had said so I don’t think he was going out of his way to see me anytime soon. Not that I cared. I was done with him. It was Fletcher that I cared about.

I decided to have an extra-long lie in because I simply could not be bothered to move, I had no real reason to. I actually contemplated staying in bed all day but I knew I would get bored eventually. At 12 o’clock, I groaned and flipped the duvets off me before pulling on some casual clothing. I didn’t care about my appearance much because I had no one to impress.

After moping around in my room for a short while, I reluctantly took a foot outside, locking the door behind me.  I should mention that I did manage to get back into my dorm room after great struggle of finding a new key from reception. I still don’t know what happened to the last one.

I skimmed past reception and went straight to my mail locker where my post was slotted into. I hadn’t checked it in a while but I was still surprised to find that did in fact have a quite few letters. I yanked them out and shoved them in my bag hastily so that I could read them later. I desperately need to get some fresh air. So obviously, I decided to go to my favourite place, the pier. I accept that it didn’t have the best of memories anymore. It was by the sea though and that’s all that mattered.

I hoped that I wouldn’t see anyone that I knew because I wouldn’t be able to deal with human interaction. Today was a day to spend with myself. I strolled to the end of the pier and basked in the gentle salty breeze that swished around me. I lowered myself down carefully so that my legs were dangling off the edge and lay onto my back.

Despite it being mid-October, it was actually quite warm and sunny. I inhaled deeply in order to remove the negative thoughts from me and just laid there for a while. However I think I must have fallen asleep because I was awoken by the loud cawing of an annoying seagull that had landed a few feet away from me.

I grumbled and gradually sat up again.  I don’t think I had been there for too long because it was still quite sunny. Groggily, I rubbed my eyes before I remembered that I still had the letters that were in my bag and thought it was a better time than any to read them.

The first one was a brown envelope that I assumed was from the bank. Since I was very young I had had my own bank account made by the foster home in which I lived. There was hardly any money in it and as I scanned the letter this fact was confirmed. Twenty nine pounds was all that was in there. I was certainly not rolling it in.

The second letter was in a larger brown envelope. Strangely it was from my university, telling me that my lectures had been rescheduled. I didn’t understand why they couldn’t just tell me this in person that rather than send a letter, a waste of time if you ask me. I threw it dismissively into my bag and turned my attention to the last letter.

 
This one I was a little more skeptical about. It was a small, white envelope and had several things stamped on the front. I ripped it open swiftly and my heart skipped a beat at what I saw. It was from the psychotherapist telling me about my results of the depression test. I whipped my eyes away before I could read the conclusion and felt a surge of anticipation hit me.

The next thing that I read would perhaps change my life. If I did suffer from depression, it would change the way I look at things completely. I wouldn’t feel as though everything was my fault. Maybe I wasn’t to blame for my feelings. I held my breath and moved my eyes down the paper. The results shocked me.