What If

Chapter 4

The next few weeks are some of the loneliest times I've ever felt since I started school; even when my mom dropped me off at Kindergarten and I watched her walk away...and looked around hoping to find a smiling, friendly face. 

One thing I quickly realize, I obviously take Sebastian for granted – when something funny happens, I find myself looking to my right or left to start talking with him about it but no one is there. Instead, I have no choice but to keep my head buried in books and stay busy with constant homework and studying. Unfortunately, it isn't enough to keep me occupied to avoid thinking about our last conversation. I need to give Sebastian time, I know that...but I wish I had some indication he'll be back. 

I see him in homeroom and in the halls and thankfully he looks my way and flashes a quick, half smile and I pitifully wave back, so at least there's that. Otherwise, I keep my distance. I end up eating lunch in the library so Sebastian has our friends to hang out with, I don't want to make it more uncomfortable and it gives me the opportunity to study anyway.

Junior year is as stressful as I thought it was going to be. My workload is tough, AP and advanced classes but somehow, I'm managing to keep my head above water. The unintended solitude and study-focused lunches end up working to my advantage, I just wish it wasn't at such a great cost. When I get too stressed I find myself running through one of many 'Sebastian pep-talks' in my head to talk me down...it helps but doesn't substitute the real thing.

Deep in thought during a working session in class, the door opened. I didn't bother looking up, it's usually another teacher or someone coming back from the bathroom. But I heard a familiar voice so I look up...Jacob, handing a transfer paper to the teacher. I still haven't spoken with Jacob and vice versa, it's not like he spends a lot of time in the library. I fidget in my seat. I know the desk behind me is the only unoccupied seat in the room and I am suddenly nervous. I sit upright and continue to work but lost all concentration as he walks by – why does he have that effect on me? Jacob sits down behind me and after a few minutes, I feel a gentle tap on my shoulder. I suddenly tense up but turn my head in his direction.

"Hey. Long time no see".

I look at the teacher, hoping he will discourage the conversation...that would be an easy out. Instead, he must have assumed Jacob is asking me about the work assignment and let the conversation continue. Long time no see? What does that mean? It's not like I've been hiding from him or anything.

"Yep, sure has." My dismissive tone surprises me but by the sound of Jacob's quick exhale, it didn't surprise him.

He clears his throat and leans closer, "Look, I'm sorry I messed up this summer and I didn't reach out sooner. Things have been...complicated."

I turn slightly, fully expecting to see the dark and brooding Jacob from a few weeks ago but something about him seems lighter, less tense. "Thanks for the apology but it's OK, I kept myself busy with Sebastian and school prep." I felt a pang in my heart when I mention Sebastian and Jacob must have seen the pain in my face.

"Yeah, I noticed you have been keeping your distance from each other...what ha-"

Suddenly the silence of the room is broken by a loud, clearing of the throat. Our teacher, finally having grown suspicious of the long conversation, politely prompts us to stop talking and save our conversation for after class. I turn around to face the teacher but before Jacob leans back in his chair, he leans forward, a little too close and whispers, "Can you hang back after class? It'd be great to catch up."