What If

Chapter 9

Junior year was tough but nowhere near as bad as I thought. All that worry and stress, I guess I should be thankful. Maybe in some weird way, my freak out about the responsibilities of Junior year and the unplanned absence of Sebastian, kept me focused enough to have a little balance at the end of the year. SATs, check - I did really well. College applications, check - although my options are limited because we don't have a lot of money and school is really expensive. The cherry on top? I'm on my way to valedictorian as long as Jacob doesn't get in my way.

Jacob. The thought of him gives me butterflies and that makes me feel a little unsettled. Thankfully, we're somehow back to normal after the-kiss-that-never-was. He's hinted at taking me out but I always manage to change the subject. It's not like I am opposed to going on my first, formal date; it's just where I feel most insecure. I know I like Jacob. I know we were so close to my first kiss...but, it didn't happen. So, like that night, I keep wondering if it's something I've done wrong or, is it someone else? I've seen him talking to girls, no more or less than he had in the past. I find myself watching him and while mindlessly considering all the options, catch him looking my way and panic, quickly putting my nose in a book to avoid the awkward, goofy looking stare I'm sure is happening at the moment.

What does going out on a date actually mean? After dissecting every memory I have of our day at the beach, I'm pretty sure we were on one...I didn't really know it at the time. Or I was in denial so I wouldn't hyperventilate. The only other experience I had going out with a boy was with Sebastian, but nothing about those days was romantic - we'd laugh, have fun, chat endlessly about whatever came to mind, and eat. No nervous energy, no expectations. It's completely different with Jacob. Either way, it was an amazing day and someday soon, I'm going to have to say yes to Jacob or run the risk of chasing him away and that's something I'm definitely not willing to do. Here come those butterflies again.

"Penny for your thoughts?"

The voice was surprising and immediately pulled me from my inner turmoil. "Sebastian! You scared me!"

"Sorry. I was watching you walk with that look on your face. You know, the one where you have a battle of epic proportions going on in your head yet somehow manage to avoid bumping into anyone? I always thought that was kind of your superpower. Anyway, I thought I'd better save you from the stairs because even though you're sort of amazing at avoiding people, you're a klutz and I can't really have you spending your entire summer in a cast."

"I'm pretty sure that's the most you've said to me the entire year. And really? With all the sarcasm? That's how you save me from the battle in my head?"

"It worked, didn't it?" I hate that he's right.

He stood there with that smirk, arms open wide because he knows he's right. I throw my arms around him and immediately, I am home and never want to let go. I feel his embrace loosen a little as he chuckled.

"I'm not going anywhere. Relax Em, you don't have to break my ribs! And obviously, Jacob is letting me down if he can't keep you out of your own head. Unless...", he pauses because he notices the tears in my eyes, "Oh God, am I going to have to murder him for breaking your heart? I mean, he's kind of big but I'm fast. I'll hit him and then run away...that'll work, right?"

"Seb, I'm not crying because of Jacob, you idiot. I'm crying because you're here with me, and a year's worth of angst and energy was just released with that hug."

"Ah...but the battle rumbling around in your head IS about Jacob, right?"

"That obvious, huh?"

"I've been away for a bit but I'm still the Emma Brooks expert and I know your zoned-out faces, but this one was new. It was like you had a million questions in there and for once, you didn't have the answers. You looked a little panicked, which is why I had to break you out of it. So? Are you going to tell me what's going on?"