Something From Nothing

Chapter 16 - Another Sleepless Night (Nat's POV)

A/N: This one is kinda short but i have been meaning to give some of Nat's POV and what is going on inside her head. Also i am aware that i may have painted her as very weak, and dependent on Peter. That is not my intention and i will be trying to show more of how badass she is in upcoming chapters. Hope you like it and please feel free to leave any feedback. ;)

[Nat's POV]
It was nearing 2am. I was just laying awake on my bed. Thinking. I do that a lot. Sometimes it's like i just can't stop. But I'm used to it. Lately though it's been even worse. I can barely even sleep.

It's been a little over 3 months since I moved in with Peter. We have been working to take down the Red Room. We have already took down 4 bases, but they seem to never end. 'Cut off one head and two more shall grow in its place' I can't help but think bitterly. God i fucking hate HYDRA.

Anyway, we're making progress, but it's slow. We are two people - as skilled as we may be - against HYDRA. We are good. We make a pretty good team (god it's so weird to think of myself as part of a team) but it isn't easy.

But it's not the success of the mission that's worrying me. Not really. It's the fact that...even though i know I can't really move forward in life until the Red Room is dealt with. Its the fact that we keep going back. I have finally found freedom. But going back their again and again, even if it is to destroy them for good, just feels like tempting fate.

I was always trained to see the worst in people, and life in general. So finally having something good for the first time in my life, I just cant help but feel the rug will be pulled out from under me. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. After all, do I really deserve this chance at life? I have done horrible thing's that I...I have done horrible things. Why should I be allowed any type of happiness? I don't deserve it.

I am a monster. It is literally what i was made to be. The very reason for my existence is to be a weapon.

That's another thing that keeps me up at night. It's been 3 months since i found out about my parents. Both high ranking HYDRA agents. Neither wanted a daughter. They just wanted a weapon. And that's what they made me become.

But that means there was never a before. HYDRA has simply always been my life. And no I am not having second thoughts about HYDRA. I never wanted that. I still don't. But it would have been nice to imagine that maybe there was a time that i was normal.

A normal child. Loving parents. To most people that is life. If they are lucky. But to me it seems like a complete fairytale.

But I'm trying to put that behind me. My life will probably always be fucked up at this point. But that doesn't mean that I should give up.

I look at Peter, and I see all the amazing things he has done and will do. I know I don't compare to him. We are cut from the same cloth but he is and always will be better than me. But honestly I'm okay with that.

He saved my life. Twice. He gave me money, a place to stay. Hell he is even literally at my beck and call. All just because he can be. Because he wants too. It took me a while, even after he got shot saving my life. Even after he gave up his shot at revenge on the man who made his life hell for years. It still took a while to trust him.

But I can't help it. I do trust him. He makes it seem easy. He is literally the most amazing person I have ever met. Granted I may not have met many people who were anything more than total assholes, but Peter is so different. I can't help but trust and feel safe with him.

I know he has my back and even though years of training has taught me that both of those things are bullshit. That trust is just being too naive to see that people will betray you. That safety is completely fake, that i will never be safe because there are dangers everywhere.

But i know HYDRA is full of crap. So maybe they were wrong about that. I can accept that trusting everyone would be stupid, for instance i sure as hell don't trust HYDRA. And sure, dangers lurk everywhere, and you never know where the enemy is hiding. But i think i am beginning to realise that trust doesn't mean thinking that bad things won't happen, it is believing that the person you trust will always do their best to prevent them, to always try to do the right thing wether they succeed or not.

And maybe safety is an illusion. But maybe it it just the feeling you get when you know that someone has your back no matter what. That they will fight for you, or with you. And that they will try to keep you safe. They may not always succeed. But surely someone trying and failing to keep you safe is better than being on your own with nobody trying to protect you.

Don't get me wrong, I don't need protection. I can tale care of myself. But the great thing is that Peter knows that. He is always there for me, but never oversteps. He is like a calm silent presence, but in a less creepy way.

He always has my back, and in a fight he fights alongside me. Never treating me as anything less than his equal. He trusts me to take care if myself and only steps in when i need help.

I accept that he is stronger than me. I may have been given a bastardised form of the super soldier serum but my abilities pale in comparison to his. But never once has he treated me as incapable or fragile. In fact, when he looks at me, it is always with respect and admiration. And I don't believe that I deserve it, but if for some reason Peter does then I don't want to prove him wrong.

Ever since I moved in we have grown incredibly close. He is my best friend. Okay that might not be saying much since he is my first and only friend. But still.

The truth is I like him a lot. Maybe even as more than a friend. But I can't do anything about that. I have never felt these things before and it's honestly fucking terrifying. But i think I know what it is. I mean, it freaked me out at first because I always thought that it was an emotion that I couldn't feel. Like it had been wiped from me. Not that that would be surprising. The Red Room always did say 'love is for children'.

But I trust him, i feel safe with him, my heart does flips when i see him, especially when he smiles - god i love his smile, and his laugh. I can't help but blush whenever I find myself close to him, but i also can't help but want to be close to him.

But that doesn't matter. I am too damaged. I'm too messed up. Im a monster.

He can do so much better than me. God he probably doesn't even like me like that and i am sure as hell not risking my one friend because of some dumbass emotional bullshit. We are friends. That's all. Maybe one day, when we are past all of this bullshit. Maybe we could be something more. But I won't hold my breath.

For now though, i am happy to just be his friend. His partner. His equal. I still don't know that I deserve it. But I want to be better. For myself. But for him too. He risked a lot to save me. He gave me another chance in life. I don't want to waste that. I want to show him that I appreciate everything he has done for me. To prove that he was right when he said I could be more. I would say that perhaps one day i will get a chance to repay him. But i am no fool. I can never repay him. What he has done for me is way more than I could ever do for him. But i will still try.

I get up and head to the bathroom. I can't help but look at face in the mirror. I look tired. And a lot older than 18. There are bags under my eyes and i am pale. God I am a mess.

I splash some cold water on my face then look back into the mirror with disdain. I am so messed up. God I barely even recognise myself. Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is in my shoulders. I know that i can do something good with my life. Help people. Make a difference.

But how can I do that when all i have ever known is bad. How to harm. How to hurt people.

I want so badly to be good. Or to at least be not bad. But it is like my whole being is screaming at me that I can't. I believe that i can be more. Truly. But sometimes it is hard when everything you are is screaming at you that you're wrong.

With all of these thoughts flowing through my mind, i know it is going to be a long night. Great. 'Another sleepless night for me I guess' I think as I roll my eyes.

God I need to get my shit together.