Something From Nothing

Chapter 18 - Philosophy Comes From The Heart...Or Not...

In the weeks and months following that rather unfortunate movie choice, things were fairly quiet in the life of the two 18 year old assassins. Well as quiet as they can get when you have to go on a fake double date with two of your only friends, who dont even know who either of you truly are, taking down several Hydra bases, running an up and coming tech company, all while trying to overcome the nightmares and flashbacks that come with crippling PTSD anyhow. So yeah all in all pretty tame.

Note the sarcasm.

They both sat on the couch now, reading. Not quite cuddling, but sitting close enough to feel the comfort of the other beside them.

[Peter's POV]

"Do you think we will ever actually be normal?" I blurt out suddenly as I lower my book to my lap. Nat looks up thoughtfully, mirroring my actions with her own book.

After a minute of thought, she concludes "No." and yeah that seems right.

Huffing out a sigh i cant help but notice i have become a lot more vocal since escaping HYDRA. But Nat is easy to talk to. And all of my other interactions (except with KAREN) are me acting out a role. So maybe I'm not really.

Thats bullshit though. We are being vocal with each other because we trust each other, and its safe. And because isn't that what normal people do? Well well adjusted people anyway. We are just trying to figure it out, besides of course we are more vocal now. God knows we couldn't be vocal at all back then.

"Yeah i know. It's just fucking annoying. That we just never really had a chance at all. It fucking sucks." I say with my feelings obvious in my voice. I'm still trying to get used to not just talking monotone whenever I talk. Its weird though, monotone answers make you seem dead inside, but then actually hearing the pain, sadness, resignation, desperation and despair in your voice. You can't help but wonder if you really are dead inside.

Nat just snorts derisively. "Yeah. But there are only two things we cam really do about that. 1. We prove that HYDRA were wrong about us, and that we really are more. Perhaps not normal, but that doesn't make us like them. And 2. We try to stop them from taking those chances away from other people."

"Yeah i guess. Hey since when did you become the wise one? I thought that was me?" I ask jokingly, and she takes it as what it is. A deflection.

"Yeah right, you're the smart one, I'm the wise one. Knowledge, you may get from books but wisdom is trapped within you.'" She says with a smirk and this time i snort.

"Is that so? Who said that?" I ask with a smirk of my own.

Her smirk broadens. "The back of the stall door in the bathroom at the library." She says simply and i can't help but laugh.

"Ah so you're quoting me toilet philosophy now?" I say teasingly.

She just smiles at me. And I can't even help but smile back. Her smile is so beautiful it is contagious, and i am glad to say it has been becoming increasingly common. We both feel so at ease around the other, and as time goes by we are getting even closer. Sometimes, when it's just the two of us, i truly feel normal.

That being said, we are just friends. Nothing more...no matter how much i wish we were. But she is literally the most important person in the world to me and I can't risk losing her.

God knows she could do better than me. Hell she probably doesn't even feel the same way, and if i am being honest im not sure that i am in the right place for a relationship, shit we are both still adjusting to a somewhat 'normal' life.

I wish we were more but I am still eternally grateful to even have her in my life at all. I love her. And i can admit that to myself, but I can't jeopardise our friendship. I can't lose the only thing that makes life seem worth living.
I can't loose her.