Gold Heart, Warm Soul

31| Surgery Day

In the private ward the atmosphere was a contrast to the outside world. The air had a perfumed scent and the seats were plush. Every surface was dustless. The nurses were unhurried and they moved with a serene purposefulness from room to room during their rounds. There were vases of flowers and beautiful framed pieces of art on the walls. In the corridor, there was a water dispenser and in most rooms, noises of a television could be heard.

I was lying in the hospital bed. No food for 24 hours before the surgery. Only water, I consumed. Ethan held my hand, while my parents were seated at the corner of the room. Kace paced anxiously waiting for the doctor to arrive. There was still 10 more minutes before the hospital staff had to bring me in to the OR (operating room).

The surgeon came to introduce himself. I suppose that was to put me at my ease before my brain surgery, but all I could think of is what he'd look like in a mask and gown as he cut my head open. I wondered if he'd feel remorse if I died on the table, or if that was all in a days work for him. His words washed over me like a bucket of cold sick and I felt nauseous to the pit of my stomach. Then with a smile that was supposed to reassure me he asked if I had any questions. I supposed that 'Is there any way to avoid surgery?' had already been answered countless times, so I shook my head.

Ethan squeezed my hand knowing the dilemma I was in. All the surgeons had to do was remove the abnormal brain tissue I've had grown big enough for the surgery to proceed. Once they removed it, they just needed to replace the bone flap using a small metal plate and some sutures. It sounds simple and easy. Besides, the survival rate was high and my tumour is not malignant. The recovery rate is, however, slow. I might lose some coordination skills, but with physiotherapy, it will heal over time.

My heart was beating really fast. I was nervous. What if I really died like in the other dimension? As I was in my own world, I could hear Ethan trying to grab my attention. "Breathe in, breathe out, love. You're going to go into a panic attack at this rate." I did as I was told. In and out.

It was time. The nurses came in to wheel me to the OR. My family gave me encouragement and good luck. My mum had a really tight face trying to not let tears spill from her eyes while Kace ruffled my hair. Ethan hugged me and spoke in my ear, "You're going to do great. I'll be waiting for you here. You're the strongest person I know. I love you, Ambar." With his speech, tears looked in my eyes. I whispered to him, "Love you too. To the moon and back."

"To the moon and back, love," Ethan said with a gentle smile on his face.

Once I was out of the room, I was wheeled out. My knuckles were white as I gripped the wheel chair. We arrived at the OR shortly after and I laid on the operating table. Surgeons with scrubs and face masks entered the room. Above, all I could barely see was the bright light emitting from the surgical lighting. Once everything was given a once-over, the surgery begun as the anaesthetist pulled over a face mask onto my face. "You can start counting down from 10," the anaesthetist said to me as he pumped in the drugs for me to sleep.

"10...9...8...7...6...5...4....3......2....."

My world was envelope in darkness.