Crushing On Him... (Diggy Simmons Fanfic)

Chapter 15

All I did was run back to my college campus, hide in my dorm room and cry. "She's back?" I thought to myself.. and with her daughter. His daughter. Their child they have together. Fuck. It shattered my heart. I don't know if I was upset that she never had the abortion or if it was because she came back. Either thought in my head felt selfish, evil and sickening for me to think. To wish her daughter was aborted was sick.. to wish we'd never bump into them was bad enough... why did the past have to keep creeping back up on me?

Knocks at the front door of my dorm were met almost an hour later by my roommate opening it and allowing Diggy to walk in and go to see me as if all was normal. She knew I was upset too. But didn't know why. I knew it was Diggy from the small talk, chuckles at lame jokes and gentle chatter they exchanged. He knocked and walked in my room, silent and as unable as I was to even piece a sentence together on how we we each felt. I looked away from him, both unable to come to terms with the wrongs I'd done before and the reality of now. "Babe.. I don't know what to tell you" he spoke first as I was sniffling between breaths and dabbing at my red and exhausted eyes. All I could do was shake my head in disbelief. "How was I to know she was here?" he tried to reassure me. He had no idea if he was innocent or not. "I'm sorry.." was all that I could whisper. "Sorry.." I managed to whisper. He looked over at me, with sympathy and upset.

"Baby..." he managed to say. It was evident in his voice that he was defeated, upset and guilty for the past. As he held me, rocked me and soothed me with his heartbeat, all the while I kept thinking of what the hell would happen next, how we would even move on... what we would do. Diggy had a daughter. Nothing could change that now.

"Did you talk to her?" I asked him the next day as we walked through a park in Seventh Avenue. I hadn't spoken to him since last night. After we sat there in each other's company, I told him to leave. I needed time alone and I'm sure as hell he did too. "I, I did" he said hesitantly. I looked up at him. Silent. Nonchalant. I didn't know what to say. But really, what the hell could you say to that? About any of this? He stopped walking, letting go of my hands. Facing me and cupping my frozen cheeks in his equally-cold palms, he realised my silence. "I don't want you to worry about a thing" he said. "But..." "But nothing" He cut me off, shaking his head to reassure me. "Baby, I only want the best for you. I want you to be so happy, it makes everyone else feel sick" he said. He always knew the stupid shit to say to make me laugh. Even a little. "But I'm not your baby. You have a baby girl." "So?" "So that's your baby girl" I pulled his hand from my face and looked at him seriously. 

"Well what do you want me to do? I see her and spend time with her, while crushing you because I wanted to start my first family with you? Or I ignore it all and pretend I never saw her and Alyssa and go on as if they don't exist? Because right now, that second part is hard for us both to do" he tld me firmly. "I want you to.. to... be in her life" I stuttered as I shook my head, trying to force the words out though my mind said otherwise. The words wanted to come out. In my heart they did, but my mind. my mind was fighting a fierce battle. It wanted it all to go back to how it all was, just hours ago. He stared at me carefully, grabbing both my hands in his and swinging them gently. "You sure about that?" "That's your daughter.. I mean.." I shrugged a little, shy as I spoke. This barely happened. "She has a right to get to know her dad. I never really knew mine, I want her to have what I used to dream of." I spoke. I realised that all my life, my dad wasn't really present. I knew him for a while before he and my mom went their separate ways. I didn't want Diggy's daughter to have a life like mine. Not a clue who her real dad was.

All he could do was pull me close to him for a long hug. I mean long. It was already 7am and we were up so early because I refused to talk last night... and he came to my dorm this morning. We'd been out and walking for almost half an hour in the cold New Jersey weather. Today was only Tuesday and so much had happened in 24 hours. I was excited about college and a new start... It all crashed down on me and now I just wanted it all to be over. Almost as badly as I felt for high school. Hours later, me and Dig had gone our separate ways. I'd meet him for lunch but I came to class by myself. Jeans, t-shirt and minimal make up. You could barely tell I'd been crying last night.