Autumn Leaves and Teenage Dreams

15. Game Plan

All weekend I think of how I will face Aurora, but the simple answer is, I don't. When Monday does roll around, I do everything in my power to avoid her. I even send her a text early in the day to say that I won't be able to walk home together due to a family commitment, just as a precaution.

Thankfully, our Calculus final isn't until Wednesday, so I will be able to avoid her just fine. And it's a half day. No worries about seeing her at lunch. It's only the hallways I need to be tactical about.

Before my first final on Monday morning, I stand outside with my friends in the cold, reviewing a few notecards, but also catching up on the weekend.

"What did you do this weekend?" Juliet asks.

"Studied," Hazel answers for me.

"That's not true!" I say. I quickly shut my mouth. My friends stare at me, expecting me to detail something other than studying I've done, but I don't want to mention the tree lighting with Aurora. So instead, I clear my throat and say, "I walked my dog this weekend, too."

"Oh, of course," Hazel says. "A riveting weekend for Callie."

As they talk, I keep glancing left and right, over my shoulder, making sure that if Aurora is in the distance, I can find an escape route. I drown the conversation out, feeling myself growing nervous. I should be nervous about finals, instead of seeing one person.

"Looking for someone?" Abigail asks.

I flinch, and turn to look at her. Abigail looks at me in concern. She always seems to know when I'm in a bad mood.

"You good?" Abigail asks. "You look ready to flee."

"Nervous for finals," I respond.

I shuffle my feet, stating it's from the cold, when really I feel like a bundle of nerves ready to burst. Because what if one of my friends decides to ask at this moment if I like anyone? What if I suddenly just blurt out that I'm a lesbian? I thought acknowledging these parts of myself would make me feel better, but now I feel like a bomb about to burst. I know eventually, all of this is going to spill, one way or another. And if it doesn't, I think my insides may just eat me out.

Strangely, I'm calmer by the time my final begins because it gives me something to focus on. I complete my two finals for the day in pristine time, and afterwards, I quickly make my way out of campus, having successfully avoided Aurora all day.

As I lay on my bed that night though, clutching a pillow close to me, I realize how lonely I felt during the day. Perhaps that's just the nature of finals. All academics, no time to talk. But Aurora and I have been walking home regularly, and so not having that routine feels strange, especially when we had such a nice weekend together earlier.

I let out a groan and bury my face in my pillow. My brain feels at war with itself. With Isabella, I did not allow myself to have these thoughts. This time, I want to be able to feel these emotions without guilt, but it's still hard. I don't know what it is I want deep down because nothing will happen between Aurora and me anyway. Even then, a tiny voice whispers in my ear that maybe...maybe something will happen this time if I only allow it to.

After another set of finals the next day, I slowly place my books away in my locker. My brain is fried, but I know I still have one more set of finals to finish the next day. And of course, Calculus has to be one of those. I have no idea how I'm going to be able to study well tonight when my mind already feels at its end.

I've let myself linger too long because I'm suddenly very aware of a person standing next to me. I jump when I notice Aurora. A small shriek escapes my throat, and I slam my locker and let out an exhale while Aurora giggles beside me. That stupid, also kind of adorable, giggle.