Autumn Leaves and Teenage Dreams

29. Lead-Up

As I wake for school on Monday morning after a fitful night of sleep, it is evidently clear to me what needs to be done. This week, I'm going to come out to my family, and hopefully my friends as well. My mind grapples with the idea that eight people is a lot to come out to in a short period of time, but I see it more as a starting point. As I laid on the floor of Aurora's room over the weekend, trying to get to sleep, all I could think about was how I wanted to be near her, feeling her breathing against me under the covers, and how as the days go on, it feels I will never be able to be as near to her as I desire so long as this secret holds me down.

I peel back my curtains in the morning, allowing the sun to shine through my window. I thought this day would take years to come. It was only recently, when I finally accepted my sexuality, that I knew this day would be inevitable. I just didn't expect that time to come so soon.

I think of Aurora, her cheery smile, her auburn hair, her sparkling eyes, and I know this is a decision that I want to make, that I hope, by making, will benefit me. 

Yet, my insides feel rotten, and my heart races with anxiety. I have no idea how anyone will react. Sometimes, I think it's best to brace for the worst. Thankfully,  I have grown up in a moderately liberal family and community, and though I admit sometimes my mom makes comments that rub me the wrong way, I hope, and I pray, that I am right in thinking that she wouldn't throw me out onto the streets. Still, there's a voice nagging me at the back of my head that maybe that is exactly what will happen.

Sighing, I grab my things and begin the walk to school. Every pause in the day I am looking for the perfect moment, the perfect opportunity. But during the day, that moment never comes. At lunch, I am quiet, barely eating, while my friends catch up on their weekends. Abigail notices my silence, but I brush it off and say I had some food poisoning over the weekend.

I feel guilty now that I have wasted Monday, but I have to remind myself that the circumstances didn't feel right. Maybe they won't feel right at school this week. Still, I want to come out to either my friends or my family this week. A part of me worries though that I won't have the courage to come out to either one of those groups though.

Aurora greets me at my locker as normal. I'm too zoned into my thoughts to really make sense she is standing near me.

"Earth to Callie," she says, waving her hand in front of my face.

"Oh, sorry," I say. I do my best to keep my attitude up, but I still struggle to keep up a smile, even as I close my locker.

"Are you okay?" Aurora asks as we begin our walk home from school.

"I'm just a bit tired, that's all," I say to her. "Lots of tests coming up this week."

"Okay," Aurora says, though I'm not sure she believes me.

I don't know why I don't just tell Aurora the truth. Maybe because I don't want her to know. I want to surprise her with this. If I tell her I'm going through with this now, I'm sure she'll find a way to convince me not to. I promise to myself that I won't outwardly speak of our relationship, especially to my friends, when I do come out this week, but if I tell Aurora my plans, I'm afraid that's what she thinks will happen. Above all, I don't want Aurora to feel pressured at this instant to come out because I am. If anything, I hope doing this will encourage her to do the same in a little while, when she feels comfortable.

Quietness takes over our afternoon walk, until I feel Aurora's fingers brushing against mine.

"Right now?" I ask.

She nods, and our fingers slowly interlace. She must know I'm in a bad mood, then, if she's suggesting we hold hands on our walk home together without me being the first to suggest it. I clutch her hand tightly to mine, enjoying the warmth her hand radiates into my palm. Every once in a while, I feel her thumb just gently brush over my hand, a small enough movement that it seems like an accident, but I know that it is intentional.