The Dreamers

XXIV

"Val!" Connor, a friend from work, greeted nung makapasok ako sa isang pub.

"Hey, Con!" I smiled. "Where are they?" I asked looking around for my friends. We usually frequent this bar pag Fridays. Pangtanggal stress.

"They're around. Here." Connor handed me a drink.

"Thanks." I sip. I feel his arm wrap around my waist, pulling me close.

I laugh to hide my awkwardness and step away from his hold. "Cheers!" I hold up my glass to him.

He smiled. "Cheers!" He then leaned forward and whispered in my ear. "You know, Val, one of these days, you'd fall for me." When he leaned back to meet my face, he smiled. 

I just laughed at him, ignoring what he said.

I don't know what happened next. I woke up the next morning, in an unfamiliar room, naked and sore.

Putangina.

Bumukas ang pinto ng CR and Connor went out. He found me awake and smiled. "Hey, babe."

"What the fuck happened, Con?" Galit kong tanong.

He chuckled. "You couldn't remember? You were pretty agressive last night. Scratching me here and there." Malaswa niyang sabi.

May nangyari samin? Gusto kong maiyak. I was a virgin.

I felt the bed dip and Connor was sitting beside me. "You bled last night." He smiled.

I slapped him. "Putangina ka, anong ginawa mo sakin?"

He was holding his cheek and spat at me angrily. "What was that? You asked for it!" Sigaw niya.

What? I wouldn't! Hindi ako ganoon pag lasing, and I wasn't even that drunk, how would—

The drinks. He drugged me. This asshole drugged me.

I started hitting him again, anywhere na pwede ko siya tamaan. "You drugged me, tangina ka! Hayup ka! This is rape! Put—"

He pinned me down on the bed, glaring at me. I thrashed around, but it was either he was too strong or the drugs have not been flushed from my system.

"Ikaw ang puta. You laid out yourself to me willingly, you whore. You even offered yourself again to me in the morning." Malaswa niyang ngiti. "Let me claim that offer again."

He straddled me and tied me to the bed. I screamed, thrashed around and even pleaded with him. He didn't listen. Not even to my cries as he pushed himself in me several times.

Gusto kong masuka. Gusto kong mamatay. Gusto ko siyang patayin.

Nung matapos siya, he pulled up his pants, untied me, and showed me his phone.

Pictures and videos of us last night. In the very same room. Doing the very same thing.

Nanlamig ako. Di ako makahinga. Para akong naupos na kandila.

"You even try talking to someone about this, and this will leak everywhere." He said before leaving.

I fought. The darkness inside that was eating me and the darkness that caused all of this, Connor. I tried to fight them both. But I didn't win.

When I tried opening a case, I was dismissed for lack of evidence.

Connor found about what I was trying to do, so he did what he promised to do. He leaked pictures of me to some people in the office. 

Everybody called me a slut. A whore. Both men and women said I was asking for it. I had it coming. Sino ba namang matinong babae ang paparty sa mga bar? Surely, I was looking for sex. I was an easy target. 

I had to resign from my job. And I couldn't find another else. Connor has many friends in the industry. It'll be the same. Natakot ako. 

I had to leave the city. Back to my parents, I found comfort. They sent me to therapy when I've tried self-harming. After almost 2 years, I tried to get back to the world, to console my parents.

And that's how I've landed in San Vicente.

Tried to live a totally different life.

But darkness caught up.

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I was still crying hard after telling Javi everything. He had his arms wrapped around me, rubbing my back to calm me down. He was whispering things to comfort me.

I get out of his embrace to look at him.

"You see, Javi? This is why we can't be together." I look at his eyes to convince him. "I am not what you need. I will only bring you down. You can't love me, Javi. You can't."

His eyes soften as he wipes my tears away. "I'm sorry."

I frown, confused. Why is he saying sorry?

"I'm sorry for not seeing your fears before. For making you feel that you have to face it alone. For not being able to protect you." He says, tears rolling down his eyes.

"Javi, it's not your fault." I say.

"It is, Val. Partly, it is." He says. "I'm glad you told me this. Now I can protect you."

Kunot ang noo ko siyang tinanong. "What do you mean?"

"No one will harm you again. No one will make you feel like that again." He said seriously.

No, this isn't right. "Javi, I didnt tell you that to protect me. I told you my past to show you that there can never be an us." Pagpapaliwanag ko sa kanya.

"No." He simply said. He stood up from the couch and walked to the kitchen.

Nainis na ako. Tumayo ako at sinundan siya. "Javi naman eh, ang kulit mo. Ano bang di mo maintindihan? Ginawa ko to para sayo. Para sa mga pangarap mo."

"I said no. You're not pushing me away again." He said, grabbing a bottle of water.

I grab the bottle from him. "Tangina naman, Javi. Ano ba? Hindi ba pangarap mo ang nakasalalay dito? Paano na ang gusto mong mangyari? Paano na yang passion mo? Your dreams—"

"Fuck that dream, Valerie! Is it so hard to understand that my dreams involve you and loving you?!" Galit niyang sigaw sakin.

Natigilan ako.

"When you tell me to stop loving you, you're telling me to end my dreams. Is that what you want?" Tanong niya sakin, his eyes full of question.

Exasperated, I sigh. "Javi, I told you, I am not the woman you need."

"And I told you that I am the one to decide who I need in my life! And I say that it's you, Val. What the fuck is so hard to understand about that?!" Napahilamos siya sa mukha niya bago ako tiningnan uli.

"Wala akong pakialam sa nakaraan mo. Wala akong pakialam sa kung sino ka dati. I love the Val I met five years ago and everything that she is and she will be. Kasama na dun ang lahat ng kung ano ka. I have loved and will always love the Val standing in front of me, no matter what happened or happens. You're my dream, my light, my love, Val. Why can't you understand that?" Pagmamakaawa niyang tugon sakin.

Javi was crying, as if begging me to believe him. I never doubted Javi. Not then, not now. Not when his eyes shine with tears from pain, sadness, and love.

I never want to see it again. Hurt Javi. Sad Javi. Broken Javi.

I step towards him, cup his face and bring it down to me as I press my lips on his.

There are no words to tell him how much I love him so instead, I show him.

Through each kiss, through each touch. Letting him feel my love as we both owned each other again. Just like five years ago. 

"I love you." I hear him whisper as we lay in bed wrapped in each other.

"I love you, Valerie. Always." This was the last I heard before I drifted to sleep.

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