Becoming Aredhel

Chapter Eighteen- Dress Buttons

The sun smiles down upon me as if there is no evil in the world as I sit in front of my family's graves. Birds of all shapes and sizes hop from branch to branch, singing their happy tunes to one another. The most satisfying, puffy clouds float leisurely in the sky, not affected by the things going on down below them. They keep going no matter what happens.

I stare at their lovely names until the letters blur together upon the stones. The black dress that pools around my figure is a stark contrast to the joy of nature surrounding me. The color is like nothing I would normally wear. I prefer pastels and white in my daily life, but today I could not slip on anything other than black. It did not feel right to.

I did not attend breakfast this morning, and I know when Elladan is finished eating, he will come and find me. Last night I awoke with a scream. Luckily, it did not wake anyone else. He held me as I laid there silently, too tired and sad to even cry. The pain was too raw- the memory too real. He asked me if I wished to speak of it, but I could not reply. I did not utter a single word. I could not. I know it scared him.

The image of Elas's scared eyes flash through my mind suddenly, and I flinch. I see it in my mind for the hundreth time today- the moment his life was taken from him. I stand quickly, stumbling away from their graves as I begin to vomit. It burns my throat and nose like fire, and I gasp for breath as I cry, crossing my arms as if holding myself together.

I cannot tell Elladan. I cannot recount the moment of their deaths again. It is too gruesome. Yet I cannot get the images out of my mind. Their deaths replay over and over again. Last night it felt like I was there again, at my burning home, screaming as the poisoned blade ripped through my side.

My body convulses as I vomit again, emptying my stomach of the heavy supper I ate last night. I grasp my stomach tightly, and I push my stray hairs out of my face with a shaking hand.

I stare at the beautiful green grass beneath me, at all of the brightly colored flowers that have seen no horrors. I try to focus on them. I try to not think about the memories, but they plague me. Papa is there in my mind's eye, yelling at me with a terrible fear in his normally jovial, kind eyes. Then he is lying on the ground, those eyes now lifeless and dull. I vomit again.

"Aredhel," comes a worried voice from behind me, and then tender hands are on my back and pulling my thick braid away from my face.

A strangled sob leaves my lips, and then I am throwing up yet again. Glorfindel rubs my back tenderly. He speaks softly to me. "Are you ill? Should I call for Elrond?"

I shake my head, breathing deeply. He hands me a handkerchief, and I wipe my face weakly.

"Where is Elladan?" he asks gently, and when I meet his gaze, he is staring at me with immense worry and confusion behind those beautiful blue eyes.

"At breakfast. I slept in."

He nods, rubbing my back once again. His golden hair is unbound, falling in slight waves down his shoulders. The sun catches his hair, making him appear to be an angel in all his glory. "Are you sure you do not need Elrond?"

I nod again. "I am not ill," I respond as my lip quivers, voice breaking, and I drop the handkerchief, shoving my fists against my crying eyes in frustration. "I am so tired of this! I am tired of crying!"

"I know," he says with a sigh.

"I am tired of hurting. I am tired of seeing them in my mind over and over again," I choke, and my voice is so strained and panicked, I do not recognize it. "I just want to sleep at night. I need to sleep. I cannot handle anymore dreams of them. I cannot handle it!"

He pulls me to himself in a warm embrace.

"Shh," he soothes, not knowing what to say. What can he say? I am sorry? It is not his fault.