Ghost In My Head ◆ JungHoseok ✔

26- Caged Is The Mind Alone, Never The Heart

The carefree laughter of children surrounded her.

The road she stood on seemed endless, the asphalt burning under the intense summer heat, hurting her little, naked feet.

The wet sound of liquid dripping onto the floor averted her attention away from the wide flower meadows and high, dry grass that the street was surrounded with.

Her eyes darted downwards, to her small hands, which were covered in blood, up to her arms, the liquid feeling sticky and sickening on her skin.

The little girl was shaking all over, feeling like throwing up, because of something her young brain couldn't comprehend yet.

All she knew, was that she was all alone all of a sudden. Alone, though her parents were right in front of her. On the floor. Covered in the velvety red substance.

She didn't understand. Didn't understand why mommy looked the way she looked, didn't understand why daddy wouldn't get up and hug her, because that was what he did every time she was scared.

They just laid there. Silent and ugly with all that blood.

The happy laughter surrounding her got louder, louder and louder until her head hurt and she had to press her blood covered palms against her ears to blend out those sounds.

But they only got louder.

Louder even, when the world in front of her eyes exploded, an earth shattering crash ripping apart her mind, numbing her senses and stealing her breath.

And her little feet still burned from the heat of the asphalt.

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I killed them

I kiled them

I killed them

Monster

Murderer

It was hard to breathe.

I wrapped my arms around my chest, trying to relax and inhale slowly, like Hoseok had shown me.

Tears streamed down my cheeks uncontrollably and my head spun, making me nauseous.

Just a nightmare

A sob ripped through my lips. I hated this. Hated how miserable I was and that there was nothing I could do against it.

"H-Hoseok." I whimpered, feet carrying me out of my bed, out of my room. I needed help, didn't wanna be alone with this right now.

Trying to suppress my sobs, I gently pushed open the door of Chungha's room, "Chun- Chungha?"

A small groan left my host mom's lips as I had woken her in the middle of the night, the blonde woman turning her head to me, "Hmm?"

"I-" I looked away, feeling more tears run down my face, "Nightmare..."

Her eyes widened as she took in my appearance in the dim light of the street outside and she shuffled forwards, opening her arms for me, "Dear god, come here darling."

I felt a lump in my throat, felt thousand times sadder when I realized how secure this woman made me feel, as if it was my actual mother hugging me.

She stroked my back softly, letting out shushing noises and comforting nonsense, "What happened honey? Tell me."

"My parents..." My voice broke as I recalled the events from my dreams, "I-I killed them." Another string of sobs left my lips and she soothingly stroked her hand through my hair, humming calmly.

"No, you didn't." Why did she sound so sure? "They died in a car crash. You were only five. Don't put the burden of the blame on yourself."

a... car crash?

I pit my lip, trying to stay calm, which I found to be increasingly easier in my host mom's warm hug.

I don't know when I fell asleep, didn't really care at the moment.

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When I woke up, I was deeply confused. The bed I was laying in wasn't mine, the scent surrounding me unfamiliar.

I needed some time to remember why exactly I was in Chungha's bed and not mine, heart feeling heavy again.

I didn't want to be like that anymore. Didn't want to have to re-live this over and over again. But I couldn't change my past, was stuck in it.

Chungha had left sometime ago, as I had slept for surprisingly long. She only left a note on the kitchen counter saying that she made some food I could warm up for myself if I felt like it and that I should have a good day and stay at home if I didn't feel well.

I stared down at the note for good five minutes, trying to grasp the emotions this simple piece of paper conjured inside of me.

Was it gratefulness? Definitely, but not mainly. Happiness? Not quite. It felt... homey? like an assurance that I had found a safe haven to hide in if I ever felt like it. Found home in both a place and a person.

don't cry, stupid

I decided to get out anyways, feeling the need of fresh air overwhelming me.

When I stepped outside, it was like always. The same cars driving by, the same sun shining down on me as I walked past the cozy small houses in our street. Yet, it was different.

It was as if there were shadows lurking in every corner, following my every step, prowling. It was a scary, uneasy feeling and I felt like a little kid all over again, desperately searching for a hand to hold, because then the shadows couldn't get me, right?

A scoff left my lips and u buried my hands in the pockets of my hoodie.

I couldn't help but find a connection between the prowling shadows and my nightmare, wondered wether the shadows had conjured my nightmare.

...or my nightmare conjured the shadows.

I felt a headache coming.

"They died in a car crash. You were only five. Don't put the burden of the blame on yourself."

I had known that... right? I had been told over and over again, had been reminded by every of my oh so worrying foster families.

But if I knew what happened, knew that it logically was by no means my fault... then why was I so thoroughly convinced that it was? Why was I torturing myself like that?

I kicked a stone away, equally frustrated and confused

Hoseok would know, I caught myself thinking, he always does.

I sped up when I felt the coldness crawling closer behind me.

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Important question!

Would you rather sit in someone's lap or have someone sitting in yours?

xx