If I Stay {Fillie}

Soliloquy

September 2, 2022
12:03 AM

Dear Journal,

Millie here. Sorry I haven't written in so long. I've been balancing so many things in my life and it's been a welcome challenge. For the first time in a long time, I finally feel well and truly happy.

After Finn and I made up and got back together two months ago, we decided I should stay with my family because I am obviously happier here. But we see each other every day. Usually we go out or I come and visit him at his mansion because I don't want him to see Ava, despite how much he keeps begging to meet my family.

Yes, he still doesn't know. And Ava has no idea that she is the ticking bomb that could destroy everything I've built. And that's what's so dangerous.

Finn gave Ava thousands of dollars to help her sister with cancer to get better. That sister is me. And if Finn sees Ava, he will recognize her as the child he gave a check to and make the connection faster than a snap of my fingers. I have roughly eight months to live, and he has no idea.

And the worst part? I can feel it now.

Though I've stopped passing out so frequently, it still happens occasionally. I make sure Finn is not there before I let it overtake me. Fatigue is inevitable, and my voice sounds raspy after just minutes of speaking. My thyroid has been swelling and my lymph nodes are back. I can feel the cancer in my chest and abdomen eating its way through my body as well.

The corticosteroids were effective for a little bit, but I was naive to think I would feel nothing at all until the time came for me to go. Can you believe how stupid I was?

Sadie and Noah are very angry with me for not telling Finn. They say he has every right to know that I won't be here for much longer, even more right to know than they do. And they can't even talk to me about it without crying.

It's a sensitive topic, my death. But we all know it's coming, no matter how horrible it may seem, and we just want to be prepared so we can do everything we want to do before it's too late.

Changing the subject to something happier now. Speaking of my best friends, Noah has been working on a special art project since before Sadie's birthday back in April, and he finally revealed to us that he is almost finished! He is hosting a big reveal at his house this weekend, and I can't wait.

And I managed to get Sadie obsessed with The Office. She's already on season three after a single week! She won't stop asking me if Jim and Pam ever get together. I mean, please. What kind of show would it be if they didn't?

And Finn? He's happy. All he ever wanted was me, which sounds extremely petty and self-centered, but it's the truth, believe it or not. And he loves me.

I had never been in love before I met him. Boys and relationships never really appealed to me as they did other girls. I never wanted to be one of those girls that gets her heart broken into a thousand pieces and is afraid to ever move on, so I didn't subject myself to any of it.

Who ever would've thought that I would fall in love with a famous, narcissistic asshole with good hair? Not me, that's for sure.

He and Malcolm have released their new EP. It's called Soda & Pie, and it's incredible. I'm so beyond proud of them for what they're accomplishing and I can't wait to see what else they do before I'm gone.

I miss Maddie, Lexi, and Lilia so much. I made such good friends with them, and I really miss talking to them about everything. Finn told me that he gave Lexi's job back to her, and I'm relieved she won't have to work at McDonald's anymore.