If I Stay {Fillie}

Eighteen Years

On a night not previously written about in this book, Millie and Finn sat on the bench swing that hung under the pergola behind the mansion.

This was back when Millie was well enough to run around in the grass and laugh as if nothing could get any better than how it was, and back when Finn did not know the secret that would cause their division. Back when everything was alright.

This was the night after Finn had apologized for everything that had happened at Joseph Robinson's graduation party, the night after he had told her he loved her.

And now here they sat, the time one in the morning, softly swinging and holding hands under the bright crescent moon.

A gentle breeze ruffled Millie's hair, a few strands falling into her face. Finn noticed immediately, and swept the hair behind her ear where it had come from. His hand lingered, and he stared into her brown eyes with the expression of someone who was seeing the most priceless jewel in the universe.

"What?" Millie whispered breathlessly, watching him closely.

"I'm just thinking about how lucky I am," he murmured in reply, and the right corner of his mouth quirked up in a grin.

Millie shot up in bed, her breath coming in short, alarmed gasps as her eyes roved wildly around the hospital room.

Her back and forehead were drenched in sweat, and she aggressively peeled the blankets over her from her damp skin. She forced her breathing to slow, and fumbled for her phone. It was three in the morning.

She swung her legs over the side of the bed, but did not stand. She simply sat there, going over her dream in her mind.

That night felt so long ago, and yet it was like it had been yesterday at the same time. She remembered how perfect it had been. Nothing was perfect anymore.

I'll be back soon was what Maddie had told her, but she hadn't come back. Millie wondered anxiously if her idea to help Finn see that he was making a mistake in staying away from his problems had worked, and if he really had listened to Maddie at all or even called the police on her.

This is all my fault, Millie thought, angry tears springing to her eyes. I'll never see Finn again, and it's all my fault.

She was suddenly overcome with the urge to stand, and she didn't even prepare herself before pushing her body off the bed. She swayed for a moment, her vision blurring, but after a moment, her head cleared and she managed to stay upright.

It's all my fault, she kept telling herself as she took a step toward the door, then another, and another. She was moving. She was walking, after being in bed for days without doing any more than sitting up. It's all my fault.

She reached the door handle, and grasped it with a sweaty hand. It slipped at first, but when she tried again, she was able to pull the heavy door open and stumble out into the hallway. It's all my fault.

The hallways were dark. The nurses that were stationed on this floor were most likely asleep, unsuspecting of any patient being up at this time.

Millie started toward the stairs, her mind forgetting all about the elevator in her haste to get out of there, to escape this building that seemed to want to suffocate her slowly and painfully until she was nothing more than a corpse. It's all my fault.

The stairs were cold under her bare feet, and she half fell, half stepped down them to the different levels beneath her. The journey to the first floor seemed to take centuries, and when Millie finally made it to the lobby, she tripped over the threshold and lay shivering on the carpeted floor.