sweet [awsten knight]

1.1 // Faith

a/n: <3

Brighton, England

I stood on the side of the stage, watching as the guys finished their last set. The whole time I absentmindedly had my arms crossed across my chest, but I had a smile on my face as I watched them. I managed to calm myself down a little bit after what I found in the bus and the small smiles Awsten would send me when he had his back turned to the crowd definitely made butterflies erupt in my stomach.

After the show ended everyone ended up in the green room, Awsten's arm wrapped around my shoulder as we all stood around the table with a small cake Lucas bought to wrap up the end of the England part of the tour.

"Cheers!" Jawn yelled, holding up his plastic cup filled with a mimosa, walking around the circle of people to bump his cup against everyone else's. Awsten and I had our cups filled with orange juice, clinking out cups with Jawn's and taking a sip.

I tried to keep my mind off everything, I could honestly just be overthinking everything in my head. Awsten was standing here, with me, arm around me as we shared this moment with all of our friends. If he had any other feelings towards me other than the same ones I had towards him, we wouldn't be doing this. I wouldn't be doing this. We were pretty straight-forward people, when something didn't feel right we stopped doing it. But this felt right, so there's no way what I found was what my crazy mind was thinking it was.

I was pulled from my thoughts when I felt a pair of lips at my forehead, making me look up and smile. He knew I was overthinking, my body made it so obvious to tell when I was thinking too hard about something.

"You okay?" He whispered in my ear, squeezing my shoulder as he said it.

I nodded, moving closer into him. I could possibly be lying, at this point, I don't even know what I think anymore, but the way he was acting towards me was too amazing to think he would ever lie to me or write songs about me that were inherently bad. I get his emotions, probably just as much as Geoff or Otto, but something about the names of the songs and the fact that he had another song about her irked me.

We all left the green room within 30 minutes of getting there, mainly because the venue staff needed to clean and were practically kicking us out. We all went to our busses, listening to Lucas as he instructed us to get all of our shit together for our flight to Amsterdam in the morning. 

When we got on the bus Geoff and Otto were quick to get on Mario Kart, sitting on the couches as they yelled about what character they wanted to be. I stood by the fridge, grabbing a water bottle as I watched Awsten sit by his laptop. Maybe... I could... just...

"Watcha up to?" I asked, squeezing next to him on the tiny seat. I watched as he smiled and turned the laptop slightly so I could see a little better. 

"Just finishing up this song, wanna hear?" He asked, holding out his headphones to me. I smiled, putting them on and letting him press play. "It's just chords and beats and stuff, I took out the scratch vocals 'cause they kind of sucked."

I nodded, listening to the opening guitar that was followed by drums quickly. Soon enough, I heard some cuts the word "sleep" repeated in a high pitched voice, along with "dream" right after. A quick pause before it jumped right back into the guitars and drums, a little heavier sounding now though. I was nodding my head along to it, listening as he added a few "ah's" to it that sounded actually amazing. I smiled up at him as the song progressed, sounding better and better as it went on.

I pulled of the headphones, smiling up at him. I kind of wanted to cry, maybe it was because of how good he was at everything, but also maybe because I felt like my thoughts in the past were completely wrong.

"Have you written the lyrics yet?" I questioned, watching as he fiddled with some of the effects he had on the voice-overs.

"Uh- Kind of, not really, I dunno." That made me slump a little, but I covered it up by leaning back in the seat. I knew he had lyrics, I didn't know exactly which song this was, but I knew he had stuff written.

"Do you have anything written?" I asked, knowing from him that the label wanted the album ready for release in January, which meant a few singles beforehand. I knew he stressed about this a lot, I felt a little bad for asking but It was my heart that was speaking instead of my brain. Last time I tried to go too deep in his writing process he got weird about it.

He scoffed, looking at me and rolling his eyes. "Of course I do. If you're gonna ask me that I just won't show you any more shit," He said quickly, usually, he would add a little giggle at the end if he was joking, but this time he didn't.

I nodded, mumbling a small "sorry" at him because I know I made him a little upset. I didn't mean to question his writing or recording process, I know he was really passionate about everything he did but I was just constantly second-guessing everything after what I saw. 

Without another word I got up, taking my water bottle and moving to the back of the bus where I got into my bunk. Usually, I would go to Awsten's bunk and wait for him to come, but for some reason my body didn't lead me there. I felt as if I went into his bunk and waited for him he just wouldn't show.

I debating crying, but I had to stop myself because I knew someone would hear. So instead of pulling myself into a late-night sob, I decided to turn on The Office and sit in my dark bunk until I fell asleep.

He never really spoke to me like that, that's why it caught me off-guard. Also, it seemed like he was hiding something, which made me even more nervous. I thought he would understand that hiding things were no fun, especially in a relationship. But I guess I never really explained to him how something like that would hurt me, I never really explained what happened in my past relationship to anyone but Geoff one night.

Maybe he just didn't think about how it hurt me that he was hiding that, he kept his music near and dear to him to it was just a defense mechanism. A reflex, almost, to hide his work from anyone before it was completely finished. 

I tried to understand how he was feeling, but I couldn't shake the way I was feeling. Not betrayed, or anything, just disappointed that he felt like he needed to hide the songs from me. It felt like he was hiding something bad and didn't want me to see. But I would end up seeing at some point, right?

T W I T T E R

"@stellataylor: I wish there was a way to know you were in the good old days before you've actually left them"

::replies::

fan1: uh oh... 

fan2: I know this is just a quote but... you okay?

fan3: I'm scared I'm scared I'm scared... what happened?!