Second Person (The Diary of Addison Montgomery)

Second Person, Twenty-Seven

Second Person Twenty-Seven

Mark. Derek. Addison. Meredith. Long ago, the four people lived together in harmony. But then, everything changed, when Derek and Mark finally attacked. They attacked you with their words like knives for 'killing their baby without ever telling them'. They both gang up and blame you for it. Even though it was only, sort of really Mark's baby. It was sort of really Derek's business at the time, too, though.

Because it was still an adulterous love child. Or a non-love child. Whatever. You don't care.

Either way they call you a bunch of names that don't end with McHot as the interns call you sometimes when they think you cannot hear.

(Actually, it's only really Alex Karev that calls you McHot sometimes. You think he has a thing for you, but either way, it's not Meredith Grey saying it, at all...)

From Mark and Derek there are many choice nicknames. McBitch. McBitchy. Satan. Adulterous Whore. Red The Slut. The Passive-Agressiva-Queen.

All of it is supposed to be breaking you down. And this time you mostly only have the memory of Meredith's comforting words to build you back up again.

You don't know how she does it. Meredith, that is. How she walks this fine tightrope of placating her boyfriend and her boyfriend's best friend while still making you feel that you matter as something more than for them.

Meredith does though. She makes you feel worthy of something. Friendship. Kindness. Grace?

She can't offer you forgiveness because it's not her forgiveness to give. But she forgives you, at least, she says, for what you've done to her when you walked through the doors of Seattle Grace.

When you walked in that fateful day long ago, to Derek saying he's sorry to Meredith for your utter existence as if it's you who's the problem and not his behavior. Which you suppose you can't blame him for, either. Because it's tit for tat, right?

(Ha- of course, you would think 'tit')

Even though it's not like that.

Well, it sort of is, but only inside your head.

Only when you saw this gorgeous blonde waiting for him and you wanted to meet her.

Only when you heard her name and it sounded pretty.

Only when you went to shake her hand and already felt sparks.

They can insult you to pieces and it still hurts even though you're over them.

Meredith can tell that you're hurting but she doesn't risk approaching you when Derek or Mark could be lurking.

You don't hate or for that, and you don't want her to end up getting hurt for your sins, anyhow.

But as it turns out, you might not be the only one to fall pregnant with an adulterous love child.

Meredith has been throwing up for weeks now, and you try not to notice. But it's hard when it's your expertise and you always see her run off to the washroom as you still sometimes go off to eat chocolate together.

She tells you she has the worst stomach bug ever. She says it's still going on. You take care of Meredith when she is sick and with you and you now keep Gatorade and vegetable soup permanently stocked up in your office.

Sometimes she comes to find you when she feels really, really, really, unwell. You hope to think that it's not her subconscious knowing what you do and that she's in, on paper, the best hands there is.