a/n
(WARNING)
eating disorders (again...)
Over the past years
Mingrui had realized
that being an idol
wasnt all he thought it would be
sure it was fun,
but theres so much pressure
pressure to be perfect
in short,
it isn't the best for his mental health
but hes already got himself into it
he can't quit now
so he'll try his best
to seem okay
as he looks in the mirror
he cant help but listen
to the thoughts that swirl in his mind
you're fat.
you've got to be perfect.
they hate you.
you arent what they want.
fix it.
become perfect.
work out.
be skinny.
he started crying
but was startled
when Zeyu called for dinner
"COMING!!" he yelled back
trying his best
to get himself together
he walked out of the bathroom
"what's for dinner?
smells nice"
he put on his best fake smile
fooling everyone in the room
he ate
and ate
and ate
stuffing himself
til he couldnt anymore
then when he was finished
he excused himself
and went to the bathroom
he did this often
after almost ever meal
so it wasnt new to him
he repeated his usual routine
by pressing his fingers in his throat
until he gagged
and got himself to puke
he watched
as the contents of his meal
spilled into the toilet bowl
but then
there was a knock on the door
and then it opened
he tried to flush it
before the person saw
but was too late
he looked up and saw Zihao
"I-it isnt what it looks like"
he stuttered
Zihao looked really worried
"Gou Gou.. are you sick?"
he knelt next to Mingrui
putting a hand on his fore head
"no fever.."
he looked down at the younger
"you should get some rest
I'll tell the others"
Zihao got up
and left to tell the others
and Mingrui went to bed
but he couldnt sleep
what if they found out?
would they be disappointed?
.....
Zihao told the others about Mingrui
and said he went to rest
"we were supposed to go live though"
Hanyu reminded Zihao
"well we'll just tell the fans
he isnt feeling well, yeah?"
Zihao shrugged
"I'm gonna go check in on him"
Zihao walked toward his bedroom
he slowly opened the door
"mingrui?" he whispered
Mingrui sat up
"Zihao? can I tell you something?"
"sure"
"come over here?"
Zihao walked over
and sat next to Mingrui
"yes?"
Zihao tilted his head slightly
"Zihao, you know how I puked earlier? I'm not sick."
"is that it? if you arent sick
why'd you puke?"
"I made myself puke.
I did it on purpose."
"why?"
"because I'm fat.
I've got to be perfect.
for the fans.
and...
for you"
Zihao then wrapped him in a hug
"Mingrui.."
he hugged him tighter
"you cant be perfect
nobody can
but you're amazing
the way you are"
Mingrui cried silently
in the olders arms
"i just...what if...
the fans think I'm a failure?
what if the other guys
think I'm slacking?"
he gripped Zihao's shirt
"I know I cant be perfect
but I want to be so bad..
if I was perfect
BOSS would like me better
if I was perfect..."
he pulled away from Zihao
"if I was perfect,
maybe you'd see me
the way I see you"
he looked down
and cried harder
"I'm sorry..
I shouldnt have said that.."
Zihao was confused
"what do you mean?
how do you see me?"
Mingrui looked up
straight into Zihao's eyes
"I...I love you"
he clenched him hands into fists
"I'm sorry"
"I love you too"
Mingrui looked up suddenly
surprise written all over his face
"y-you do..?"
"I do. I love you."
at this point Zihao had tears
running down his face aswell
"I care about you so much.
I love you the way you are.
you don't have to change for me
because I love you"
they hugged for awhile
but then Zihao remembered the live
"Mingrui? are you up for a live?"
Mingrui looked up
"sure" he smiled
a real smile
a/n
oop what have I just written
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