So here I am I guess, just waiting for this day to be over, just 24 little hours, just 1440 minutes, But by now it was eight o'clock so there wasn't that many hours left and If anything it was the next five hours I wanted to skip, I wouldn't mind when I get home because It's the same routine every night: Home, Shower, Dinner, Cup of tea, TV, Read, Bed and Occasionally marking school books. Some people may say I don't live or My lifestyle is boring but if I'm being honest I love it. I'm kind of glad I don't have some middle aged man trying to run my life for me it's great really.
But there is one problem, yes I may love being without a man but today that's when I have to make that clear, that's when I need German to noticed, I have moved on but, It's a tiny bit harder than that. I know that he thinks I still have feelings for him and maybe I do, I don't entirely know where my mind is at this moment in time and I don't think German does either. One minute we are practically girlfriend and boyfriend and the next he is defiantly going on a date with this woman but he says it's a business meeting. I would love to just shout in his face, 'I'M NOT BLOODY BLIND' but if I did that I would be showing him that I'm alone, that I have no one that I'm jealous. I just need to except that what me and German had was a mistake. Like many of my 'Mistakes'.
I actually thought, he had changed, That we had changed. We put the past behind us. But we both always made the same mistakes, we never learned from them. I was stupid thinking someone like him would change. Thinking that there was actually an us, I was basically trying to lie to myself. I feel stupid, played with even though, He has been with this woman for months. I should of gotten over him now, but I can't I don't know why, normally when this happens after a few weeks, you forget about each other or you become friends, but it's like we are stuck in the middle. I just have to move on, for my own well being, I could become crazy.
So today is the day, I have to be strong, take no notice of him, It will be hard as it will be his wedding, and normally at a wedding the bride and groom are the main part of it. and he's the groom, how the hell am I not meant to not notice him. I really actually don't want to go anymore but if i don't go, he will know that I'm jealous that I hurt but If I do go and see Esmeralda walking down the aisle, It will just lead to me crying and then German will see and know I haven't moved on.
But if he truly loves Esmeralda, He wouldn't notice me because she is probably going to wear a stunning white dress and His eyes should be glued to her, and then German won't see me upset. But I should be happy for him. I mean he might be a mean, lying player but I did once love him. And I guess I'm one of his acquaintances (That's how I feel anyway) in a way and he won't have a lot of family there.
So It's decided, I'm going, I pulled myself out of my bed, which has literally been where I have lived for most of the time since Esmeralda was with German all the time, It made me feel like I didn't belong in the Castillo household, So I didn't go around as much as I used to. I approached my bathroom and did my morning routine: Get up, Brush teeth, Wash face, Brush Hair, Curly/Straight Hair, Get changed and Makeup. But the last three were harder today, I wanted to look different to make an impression on German, to make him realize I still exist but it didn't really plan out so I went of how I normally look and put one a red dress.
I was going to wear my white dress that I wore when me and German first met, I remember that day like it was yesterday, It was my friend's hen party and It was his friend's 27th birthday party and we both saw each other in the venue, we started to talk more and more and we got closer and closer and I remember when I was wearing that dress he called me beautiful. I couldn't wear that on today, I would feel bad, I don't know why but I just would. This day is about Esmeralda and German, I don't want it to go disastrous because of me, even though I would love it to be about me and German.
So here's my new book I should be uploading once a week as I have to start working towards my exams. So I hope you enjoy.
Meg xx
