Cucummato (TianShan)

21. Us

Mo Guan Shan

He Tian stood frowning, as if he wasn't aware of his own wet cheeks dripping steadily with tears he wasn't sure was his. It took a moment for Mo Guan Shan to realize this and it took him several blinks more to finally say something.

"Why are you crying?"

"I don't know. I just feel like shit," He Tian answered, still unmoving. He looked so surprise by it himself. "Wiping my face feels like I know why I'm crying but I don't, so will you just turn around please? Give me a moment."

Mo Guan Shan nodded but stepped closer instead while fumbling with his own tangled threads spilling out from his pockets. But there weren't any threads really. Just a handkerchief for his mildly sweaty hands. He pulled it out and reached out to wipe He Tian's face.

"I kinda understand. . ." he said quietly. He Tian closed his eyes and he could see his tensed jaw. He's hyper aware of the taller boy's sweat dripping down from the tip of his hair down to his taut neck. Like it was specifically amplified for him to focus on. "I understand."

He Tian didn't say anything on their way back. Jian Yi and Zhan Zheng Xi were already sleeping next to each other on the carpet, with the smaller boy snuggled under the other's armpit.

Mo Guan Shan sat on a vacant couch and started pouring himself a drink from the leftover vodka. The groceries were placed on top of the glass table but he didn't touch it. Nor did He Tian, who opened the glass sliding door to the terrace and stood with his back on him, smoke drifting from the cigarette between his fingers.

He drowned shot after shot. What happened at the store sobered him up and he's wide awake, heart racing and his brain processing too much at a speed he wished it did during math exams.

His mind recalled coffee.

Then that unsettling feeling he had after knowing Xue Chen. That moment where he just stared at the void, thinking, "This couldn't be it. Prizes aren't so easily given."

Then there's that nostalgic feeling he got after the old man gave him a tomato, the same sweet taste, the same feeling it gave him. Maybe his mind was feeding him lies, fabricating memories, but he recalled He Tian's face when he called him faggot and there's tonight.

And the kiss. . . Fingers brushing ever so slightly, skins touching. Breaths mingling.

Stares. 

And his own distorted feelings.

He stood up and walked sluggishly to the terrace to feel some cool air on his hot face. He Tian turned to look at him and his lips curled up in a mirthless smile.

"You're supposed to be angry," He Tian said in his usual cool voice.

"I am. Xue Chen's a good person," he answered, feeling the numbness in his tongue. A couple more shots of vodka and he'd be choking on his own tongue.

"Don't know what to say about that."

"I don't know what to say about you either. I can't figure out what you're thinking."

"Where's the fun in that? I even believed you were stupid, but you figured it out by yourself."

"I'm not as dumb as I look. I have a working brain on good days."

They went quiet. He Tian lit another cigarette but Mo Guan Shan snatched it and threw it away. He winced as the lit tip touched his palm.

"That was not cool."

"You've been smoking nonstop," he answered and pressed his tongue on his palm to ease the pain. He Tian knotted his eyebrows and snatched his hand before pressing the part with the red spot on his lips. Mo Guan Shan quickly pulled back.

"Being around you like this is making me tense, all right? If I don't smoke, I wouldn't know what to do with my hands or my mouth. This is what's holding me back from doing things."

"Things?"

"Things. Good things. On my end. Bad on yours," He Tian shook another one and was about to light it up but Mo Guan Shan snatched away the lighter and stowed it away in his pocket. "Is that your way of asking me for a kiss?"

"Dafuk!" Mo Guan Shan stepped away and laughed. Somehow, this feels good. Or maybe it's the alcohol making him braver. "You really are crazy for me."

"I am," He Tian said with his eyes on him, pleading for something. Maybe for him to not reject whatever he says. "Is that bad?"

"What's bad is that you used somebody."

"You enjoyed it. Where's the harm?"

Mo Guan Shan stared back, eyes glinting with his own unexplained emotions.

"You really don't get it, do you? What were you thinking?"

"You realize I'm a guy, right, Little Mo? What do you think was I thinking?"

Mo Guan Shan sighed and let himself slide down to the floor with his back pressed on the railing. 

"I can't believe you."

"You still think I'm gross?"

"Fuck off," Mo Guan Shan groaned. He's resting his forehead on his arm over his knees. "Give me time, all right? And I never thought you're gross. You of all people should know that you're not."

He Tian

He smiled. Fuck, he must be dreaming. Reality wasn't so forgiving as this moment here.

Why was he so afraid to try? What's so scary about this good guy, anyway? This love isn't like the love he'd encountered before, that's why he's too confused on how to tackle it and ended up almost losing it.

He smiled again, even wider this time. Nobody's around to see how crazy he looked.

"So, can I top you?"

Mo Guan Shan raised a finger and he laughed out loud.

"So you'd top me?"

"Dickhead! Why are you so fucking noisy?! And hell yeah, I'd rather die than have you tearing up my asshole!"

"You're pretty knowledgeable," He Tian said.

"I searched. . .after that night in the park."

He Tian frowned.

"You're weird."

"The thought I had was: 'He's such a cool guy and he's gay. So how do cool guys do it if they're gay?'"

He Tian laughed and reached down to ruffle Mo Guan Shan's red hair.

"Or we could just sleep and figure things out tomorrow."

The other boy just groaned and waved him off. He walked to his room, pulled one blanket from a closet and walked back to Zhan Zheng Xi and Jian Yi to cover them up. He didn't want them thinking that he doesn't care about their well-being. Then he went to bed himself.

Bonus:

Zhan Zheng Xi stirred. His arm was tingly because Jian Yi slept on it for too long so he shoved his friend away without bothering to be gentle. They're not so sensitive around each other partly because they're best friends and Jian Yi's an idiot. And they're both guys, for Pete's sake.

He sat up and smiled when his eyes caught the blanket. Pulling it up to cover Jian Yi's exposed stomach, he stood up and looked around to hunt for food.

Thinking that the plastic bag on the table were empty containers from a takeout, he walked towards the kitchen. That's when he noticed He Tian and Mo Guan Shan, asleep on the bed together, the bigger guy spooning the redheaded one.

He smiled, shaking his head in disbelief and continued straight to the kitchen.

Sometimes you wake up and worlds just start colliding.