Chaotic Love

Chapter 20

"I want to have kids." Tila sirang plaka iyon na paulit-ulit kong naririnig sa aking tenga.

We moved to Manila. Nandoon kasi ang trabaho namin. Ang pinagkaiba nga lang ay mayroon na kaming condo.

Hati-hati kami sa pagbabayad nito. Pinagkakasya namin ang mga sahod namin dahil nagiipon din kami para sa board exam.

May kanya-kanya rin kaming part time jobs. Rumaraket ako bilang photographer. Si Ella naman ay dance instructor o kaya'y commercial model. Si Charm nakuha sa isang publishing company. Si Rose naman pumasok sa kumbento. Joke! Hindi naman to tatanggapin doon. Nagpapart time si Rose sa isang supermarket malapit sa amin. Si Ali naman inaayos ang kanyang pagpasok sa law school.

Everything is hard but we're happy. Madalang man kaming magkita-kita ay ayos lang. Si Rose lang kasi ang nakuha doon sa kompanyang pinagtrabahuhan namin. Basic na lang sa kanya iyon habang kami ay nagkumahog pang mag-apply.

Matamis akong napangiti ng makita si Liam dala ang isang palumpon ng mga bulaklak.

"Happy valentines." He said as he planted a soft kiss on the top of my head.

"Ang ganda nito!" Mangiyak-ngiyak kong saad sa kanya.

Madalas ay wala si Liam. Naiintindihan ko naman iyon. Hindi lang naman sa amin umiikot ang mundo. Nagrereview din siya para sa boards. Sa pagkakaalam ko ay mayroon pa itong ibang pinagkakaabalahan.

"Woman as pretty as you deserves wonderful flowers." Nakangiti niyang tugon sa akin.

We ate our dinner. It was just a simple candlelight dinner but it made my heart skipped a beat. Liam always does.

"Congrats!" We tossed our drinks. We passed the boards!

Hindi kami magkamayaw sa tuwa dahil sa nangyari. Ali successfully placed the second spot. Hindi man siya ang top-notcher sa exam, sigurado ako na siya ang top-notcher sa bar exam!

Weeks after, I am celebrating with Liam because he passed the boards! Hindi ko maipinta kung gaano ako ka-proud sa kanya.

I was with him when he was struggling. I am still with him as he's claiming the fruit of his struggles.

Dito ko napatunayan na hindi naman namin kailangan ng label. Assurance would do.

Samu't-saring 'congrats' ang bumalot sa amin. Ate even asked me out for a dinner. Hindi ko man lang alam na tumulak pala sa Maynila sina Mama.

So far, Papa's very casual to me. I just hope that I was able to prove to him that I am a woman of success. Hindi ako salot.

"Congrats, Jerard." Papa casually said right after we finished our dinner.

Tahimik akong tumango at saka siya ginawaran ng ngiti. "Salamat po."

"Umuwi naman kayo para sa birthday namin. Kahit ilang araw lang." Pagsusumamo ni Mama sa amin.

Matagal ko na rin namang napag-isipan ang tungkol sa birthday ni Mama next week. Magfifile na lang muna ako ng leave sa opisina.

Liam, right after passing his boards was always missing. Naiintindihan ko naman iyon. I heard Andy asked Liam for a favor to look after Donna.

Hindi ko lang maintindihan kung bakit wala si Sir Gab. Did things ended up painfully for them? I pray that they would find each other.

Hindi man kami gaanong close ni Donna ngunit alam ko kung gaano kahirap ang pinagdadaanan niya.

"How's Donna?" I asked Liam. Niyaya niya kasi akong lumabas ngayon.

Nandoon na rin naman daw si Andy sa US. Ang swerte ni Donna kay Andy. Hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit hindi na lang kaya silang dalawa?

Humingang malalim si Liam. He smiled upon hearing about Donna.

"Her son looked like his father." Napangisi ito. Siguro ay naalala niya ang anak ni Donna.

Kung gayon, tiyak akong pogi ang anak nito. Ang pogi ni Sir e!

"How are they?" I curiously asked Liam. Hindi pa rin maalis ang ngiti sa kanyang mga labi.

"They are fine. It was fun. Pakiramdam ko ako ang tatay noong bata..." He trailed off acting how he carried Donna's son. "My hands are shaking. I am almost in tears while staring at her kid. Ganoon na ganoon din ang reaction ko ng makita ang anak ni Dale."

Hindi ko alam ngunit unti-unting sumikip ang aking dibdib. I know that this day would come. Lahat naman siguro gustong magkaroon ng anak. There are ways, I'm sure of that.

"I want to have kids." My lips parted upon hearing what Liam said.

I nodded at him. "We...can adopt...or hire a surrogate mother for our child..."

Nanginginig na ang labi ko. Liam looked at me...there was no emotions at all.

"I want to have a kid of my own. I want to have a family." He slowly said. Tila ba pinapaintindi niya sa akin ang gusto niyang mangyari. "Hindi ko alam pero noong...nakita ko si Jane, ang anak niya. Tapos nakita ko si Donna, ang anak niya. Hindi ko maiwasang mainggit." Nanlalabo na ang aking mga mata. The corner of his eyes are turning red. "Bakit wala ang mga tatay ng mga batang 'yon? Hindi ba nila alam kung gaano sila kaswerte? May magiging asawa't anak sila."

"May magiging asawa't anak ka naman, Liam." I whispered. Just enough for us to hear how hopeful I am.

"That's impossible. Hindi tayo makakabuo ng atin." He groaned in frustration. Napapikit ako ng marinig ang mahina niyang hikbi. "Mahal na mahal kita e. Hindi ko naman kayang maghanap ng ibang babae."

Marahan kong pinakiramdaman ang paghaplos sa akin ng hangin. Looks like the wind is trying to calm me, to calm my heart, to calm the pain..

"We can hire a surrogate mother for our child." Umiling ito dahil sa sinabi ko.

"I want my child to look like us...or at least her mother." He smiled.

Pilit kong nilunok ang bukol na nakaharang sa aking lalamunan. Liam pictured out his daughter as a spitting image of his wife.

Dapat ay masaya ako dahil doon. I should have braced myself. Bakit ba hindi ko man lang inihanda ang aking sarili?

"I want to have kids." He sounded as if he was begging me to let him go.

We both know that the life we want is different. Liam wants to have his own family. I also want that. I just want it simpler.

Marahan akong tumango sa kanya. I looked at the bright sky outside his car's window.

Is this how we're going to say our goodbyes?

"I also want to have a family with you." Mapait akong ngumiti. "But I guess, it won't be that easy. I pictured out us with our adopted children." I shrugged my shoulders. "We have different views in life. I understand."

Hindi ko alam kung nakailang ulit ba ako ng tango sa kanya. Liam frustratedly brushed his hair. His eyes were in a form of bloodshot.

"We need to take a break." Bulong niya.

I closed my eyes, trying to suppress my tears from falling. I shook my head.

"We need to find ourselves, Je-"

I cut him off. "We don't need to take a break. We haven't even started. I don't even know what I am to you."

I said before storming out of his car.