IF I STAY

Confronting the present and the past

He’s such an idiot. No wonder that name and face is so familiar. He is literally everywhere—the television, in radio stations, printed on covers of magazines, flashing in LED billboards and plastered on almost every subway station in Seoul. The guy is not just a dancer—he’s an internationally known pop idol who can sing, dance, rap and act.

A member of a five-man Korean group called Tomorrow By Together, Kang Taehyun has been trained professionally in Korea and United states. He’s been dubbed as the Vocal king of Korea and even he became a mentor in a reality TV show of their own company. He’s practically the hottest commodity in Korean advertising now with his endorsements here and there.

And here he was, thinking Taehyun is a mere backup dancer, a small freelance actor who happens to ride a motorcycle. Speaking of which, the guy also joined in some professional racing competitions and managed to bag the first prize.

He is multi-talented and gosh, Beomgyu is just so stupid.

Just a dancer. Just a dancer my ass. There are people who are good at dancing and Taehyun is far beyond that. He has seen the videos—this guy is born with the moves. Like his every action has that rhythm of music nobody but him hears. No wonder he moves that way.

He spent a good two hours just reading articles, watching photos and browsing photos of Taehyun: The Idol, feeling utterly stupid with every page. Why the hell did he never look Taehyun? And why did Taehyun never tell him who he really is? He cant believe it was even possible to be as dense as he is. The clues were right there for the taking, why didn’t he pick up from any of them?

He closes his eyes for a moment, feeling an initial onslaught of a migraine from trying to process his recent discoveries. He doesn’t know whats hurting more—his head or his heart.  That’s just great Beomgyu. The first guy you kind of liked after two years actually turned out to be super out of your league, popular celebrity.

More than that…he can’t believe he actually kissed Taehyun. Yes, this guy on the cover of the magazine, dressed in an expensive Armani coat, glaring at the camera, face and hair styled to perfection…. was just kissing him a few hours ago on the street. The thought of a possible scandal it would have caused if anybody saw them and taken a photo is enough to give him an anxiety attack.

In truth, Taehyun being that popular does not do him any good. Dating a guy always on the spotlight is dangerous, no wonder he wanted to go somewhere private. Looking at the articles written about him, all the dating rumours’ and speculations on who he’s currently seeing only fuels Beomgyu’s doubt on himself.

A friendship with Taehyun, let alone a relationship with him could just destroy his career….but ultimately thrust Beomgyu into something he didn’t ask for. running away and hiding from his past life should never involve being embroiled in a scandal with a celebrity.

Beomgyu takes a deep breath to calm his nerves. He should be mad at Taehyun. Anger is an easier emotion to deal with. He can be mad and stop all of these in an instant. He can block his number and move on with his life. So why isn’t he?

Right, because he hasn’t been necessarily truthful as well with the guy. He hasn’t told him about his past and has been selective in the information he reveals with him. Still, it doesn’t mean he wont retaliate by throwing fact that he already knows who he is to his face.

He opens his KakaoTalk to send a message to the said man of the hour.

<<[link]

<<[link]

<<[link]

<<[link]

<< Who are you, really?

Taehyun does not respond to that and he figures the guy must be asleep. He should be too, if not for the adrenaline pumping in his system right now.

That night, Beomgyu fell asleep with thoughts of a man with a sharp jaw, big dark eyes and full lips.
_____

Beomgyu wakes up with a terrible headache and the wild, incessant buzz of his doorbell. He doesn’t know which came first but what he’s sure of is he will kill whoever is at hid doorway.

Turns out, he wont even be able to try because when he opens it, it reveals a slightly dishevelled Taehyun, wearing a black and white striped shirt, grey jogger pants black Converse. A grey ballcap and white facemask is slightly covering his face from the public, but its quite useless with Beomgyu who knows exactly what he looks like.

“Taehyun? I thought you had an early meeting?” Taehyun enters his apartment uninvited and he thinks its just too early for this spontaneity. “And how the hell did you find out which apartment is mine?”

“I skipped the meeting. And the grandma downstairs told me which one’s yours.” Taehyun says, removing his cap and mask, running his hand through his hair in an attempt to fix it before he turns to Beomgyu, “I want to explain everything to you.”

Beomgyu merely gives him a confused look. Explain what? What could be so urgent that Taehyun feels it necessary to drop by uninvited to his place? Taehyun notices his reaction and frowns, equally confused, “You were not responding to me.”

“Huh?”

“My messages.”

“Messages?”

“In KakaoTalk. I was even trying to call you but you were not answering.”

Beomgyu goes to retrieve his phone and true enough, there are like twenty-five missed calls and around forty unread messages. He turns to Taehyun, frowning, “I was still…. sleeping.”

“Oh.” It finally dawns on Taehyun’s face and he simply says, “So you’re not really ignoring me?”

If its not for the pressing hangover, Beomgyu would have doubled over in laughter. Instead, he gives Taehyun an amused smirk, ignoring the voice in his head that is saying this kid cancelled a meeting only because he thinks I’m ignoring him. Gosh, he’s totally done for.

” Taehyun,” Beomgyu says and Taehyun turns to him, looking like a deer in the headlights. “What are you really doing here?”

“I….”, He seems lost for words and Beomgyu expects him to apologize. Though, in all honesty, there’s nothing to forgive because its also his damn fault for not asking the right questions or even doing the research himself. Taehyun probably thought he will find soon enough since he’s literally everywhere, only he underestimated how much of a hermit Beomgyu is. Almost a month, it took him almost a month to realise who Taehyun is. How lame is that?

He’s about to say its okay, Taehyun, when Taehyun, in a shaky, unsure voice blurts out, “….like you.”

Wait what? WHAT? That didn’t sound like an apology. Or maybe he heard him wrong because Taehyun definitely did not say---

“I like you, hyung.” Taehyun repeats, voice a little less shaky than the first one.

Okay…..this is definitely not what he was expecting to hear from the guy. This conversation should have gone differently. Taehyun explaining why he did not tell him who he is and not him confessing his feelings so carelessly like this. Gosh, whatever happened I want to explain everything to you’?

Still, something tugs at Beomgyu’s heart. Something he has never felt for a very long time. Taehyun is looking at him with eyes filled with sincerity, they are almost glowing. If only Beomgyu can capture this moment in the four corners of a photograph—Taehyun looking so beautiful in his natural, raw state. Void of any makeup or styling, just those intense eyes.

And Beomgyu thinks how much it hurts. Because he’s sure its just a fluke. Because he’s not sure if he can look at Taehyun the same way he does; open, unabashed, no secrets hiding. For a little while, he lets himself envy the kid. He’s too innocent and pure, the world hasn’t hurt him the way the world did to him and Beomgyu is afraid he would be the one to steal that away from him.

The last time he had looked at a person with the same eyes Taehyun is giving him, he ended up in an abusive relationship for almost two years. And the wounds may have healed, but the pain is still there. He thought he was okay and for a while, he really was. The nightmares had stopped coming…...at least until six months ago.

Taehyun, totally oblivious to his inner turmoil, just keeps on talking, “I should have said this last night when I kissed you. But you…. I’m not sure why. Its just that I noticed that you were biting your lower lip and I wanted to…. And then you gave me a smile and its just so beautiful and maybe I sort of blacked out or something or just…. I’m sorry I kissed you without your permission. I mean….”

“Taehyun.” Beomgyu says, cutting him off. He grabs both of Taehyun’s hands and realizes he’s shaking from his nerves. Beomgyu wants to tell him he doesn’t need to apologize; that if there’s one person her who should apologize, it should be him. Because no matter how much he wants to throw the same phrase at him, to open his heart and tell him to take it… take it because its been a while since I’ve felt so confused and afraid and still unwilling to let a person go. And if I would want to take a chance with someone, I’d rather take a chance with you. He doesn’t.

Taehyun doesn’t even need to hear him. He understands immediately…. From the way Beomgyu folds his hands to cup his…. Its too gentle. Like he was gearing up to break his heart or something similar.

“That kiss…” Beomgyu takes a deep breath. “It was just a fluke. We both had drinks and…”

“I wasn’t drunk.”

“But I was! And I just got carried away.” Beomgyu insists. “I’m older that you and I should be the logical one. And I wasn’t. for that, I’m sorry.”

A pained look crosses Taehyun’s face and Beomgyu hates the fact that it was because of him. “Don’t say that.” Taehyun is looking down, refusing to meet his eyes, “Don’t apologize for that kiss…. It’ll mean you didn’t mean to.”

“I’m sorry.” Beomgyu continues, ignoring his fragile voice, “But you don’t like me. You just…. enjoy talking to me. You just like my company because you can be yourself with me. Because I don’t treat you like the idol you are.”

It’s the truth. He has read articles about Kang Taehyun. Man of many talents….at fifteen he came to Seoul to be professionally trained to be an idol. Even then, he was bullied a lot because of how he looks…. he’s too pretty. Too feminine to be taken seriously. Beomgyu understands….it must have been so lonely. It probably still is, if people treat you like a collectible, a fragile item they put on a pedestal and not an actual human being. (This one goes out to all who treats idols like shit. Respect them, respect their privacy. Treat them like a human being not as an amusement behind a cage.)

“I don’t understand.” Taehyun looks up at him, pained expression replaced by confusion, “Isnt that exactly supposed to be what it means to like someone?”

Beomgyu reels back when the question is thrown right back at him. Taehyun switches their hold and this time, he cradles the other’s hands on his own, “Hyung, is there another way to like a person?”

The hopeful look in Taehyun’s eyes is too much for him. He doesn’t know what to tell him because he’s definitely right. What else should be the reason why you liked someone? He basically just confirmed his feelings as well. Damn him and his stupid mouth.

“What you’re suggesting is…. unfair”. Not to mention, impossible. One small rumour about this and the press would be all over them. Taehyun isn’t invincible---his career would suffer and he’s not sure if there’s any comeback from that kind of scandal.

Beomgyu cant do that to him. He’s simply not worth it. This guy is Kang Taehyun. Girls and guys would line up for a miniscule of his attention. Why him?

“Who says? Only I can decide what’s fair and unfair. Its my feelings anyway.” Taehyun says sternly, pulling at his hands.

“Don’t you care about your career?”

“My fans will love me no matter what. If they don’t, they’re not my real fans and that’s okay.”

Oh, his innocence will be his downfall. Beomgyu is just looking at him with bleary eyes. How the hell should he handle this kid?  He’s stubborn and persistent….and with the way his eyes are filled with determination when he looks at Beomgyu, he just knows Taehyun will never take no for an answer.

Beomgyu closed his eyes and took another deep breath to calm his nerves, “And what about me? Have you ever considered me?”

Its foul—Beomgyu knows using guilt against the guy is playing dirty but what can he really do? Taehyun maybe a lot of things, but he isn’t selfish and that’s probably one of his weaknesses.

“I mean, look at me. I’m not cut out for your kind of life.” Beomgyu says, pointing eagerly at himself. “If anybody finds out about our friendship, they might forgive you. But not me. I’m nobody to them and hating me would be easy.”

He chuckles bitterly. He can already see the headlines, Mister Artist-Wannabe Corrupted Young Kang Taehyun. His entire life will be out in the front page of tabloids, all the past he was running away from, all the secrets out in the open for everyone to see. It scares him.

Taehyun sighs. “That’s exactly the reason.”

“….”

“You wanted to know why I enjoyed you not knowing who I am?” Taehyun is glaring at him and its scary, “You already said it. I can be myself with you and you wont give me a pass just because I’m Taehyun. You don’t treat me differently. For once, I can be who I am just by talking to you and its just so…...liberating.” he pauses, “But I get it. I totally understand it. And I’m sorry I didn’t consider you. I’m sorry I was selfish. I just thought…. that maybe you’re different….”

He doesn’t even wait for Beomgyu to answer. The moment his little speech is over, he was already out the door.

Leaving Beomgyu stunned and staring at the closed door of his apartment. His heart is beating painfully against his chest and all he can think of is, great. Just great.
_____

“You look like shit.” Yeonjun says the moment he opens the door to his apartment.

“Gee, great to see you too.” Yeonjun is probably right—he hasn’t showered for two days now. His hair is a mess and there are bags under his eyes. Plus, he’s stuck wearing his ugliest fleece coat which coincidentally is also the thickest one he has. But he has no choice, really—he has been down with the terrible flu for three days now and has been cooped up in bed, trying to recuperate.

This doesn’t stop him from working though and had asked Yeonjun to bring the material samples of the logo for KTH Studio at home. Yeonjun reluctantly did agree to bring them—he didn’t want to because Beomgyu should not be working and should be resting at home.

But he relents and Beomgyu has a lingering suspicion its also to check if he’s been true to his word that he wont be working at all, which of course is not true because he’s been sketching some designs for Haedabang.

Yeonjun notices his open drawing tablet and frowns so Beomgyu takes the box with the samples and distracts him with a question instead, “What material did the client want again?”

Yeonjun takes his phone and recites the options, “Lets see…. Hmm…. metal or acrylic or a combination of both. Oh, he’s also open to use vinyl.”

Beomgyu nods, humming in response before coughing violently into his hand. Yeonjun frowns at him, “You should go back to bed.”

“Later.” Beomgyu says, placing the sample of metal and acrylic on the table in front of Yeonjun.

“Can they make small samples using these?”

Yeonjun nods, “Already asked them to. They’ll be delivering tomorrow.”

Beomgyu beams. “So reliable. What would I do without you?”

“Crash and burn?” Yeonjun suggests, grinning before his face becomes serious, “I think you should rest more.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll rest after we’re done here.” Beomgyu walks towards his drawing tablet and gives it to Yeonjun, “What do you think about these?”

Yeonjun reluctantly gets them, muttering how you’re not supposed to be working on these and you should be resting. But he does check the designs, anyway. “They’re good”. Yeonjun nods, giving him the drawing tablet. Beomgyu nods, “I’ll email it to the client later.”

“I thought the client is an old woman.”

“She’s the owner but the client is her grandson.”

“Ah, let me do that then. I want you to rest more.”

“You’re so sweet, hyung.”

Yeonjun rolls his eyes. “Just get back to bed.”

Beomgyu nods at him and the guy starts to walk out of the apartment. Only to pause by the doorway and turn back to him. “By the way….”

“Hmm?”

“What happened with you and the mailbox kid anyway? You went out for dinner and them came back with the flu. But you never mentioned him again. Not even once. And you used to…. all the time.”

Of course, this will come up. Its also probably part of why Yeonjun is here. Beomgyu wonders if he should just tell his hyung who that mailbox kid really is. He doubts if he would believe him anyway. Compared to him, Yeonjun doesn’t live under the rock and would know immediately once he tells him Kang Taehyun’s name. “Do I, really? I wasn’t that bad.”

Yeonjun snorts. “You’re always Taehyun this and Taehyun that. Even the staff took notice.”

He turns away, too embarrassed for his actions. Yeonjun is not budging, “So, what really happened between you two? What happened on your date?”

Beomgyu cant really say he went out on a date with a pop icon, can he? Not if he wants Yeonjun not to freak out. He also cant really say that the said pop icon kissed him that night and confessed his feelings to him the morning after.

Besides, its not like it matters. The last time they talked was before the morning he left for China and its already been three days of radio silence. He still knows whats going on with his life because of the fan update he’s seeing in his Naver newsfeed. He will never admit it though.

“So no?”

“Huh?”

“You and that mailbox kid! Are you guys still a thing or not?”

It takes a while for Beomgyu to answer but he eventually says, “No.”

Yeonjun shrugs, “Shame.”

“Do you like him?”

“You mean after the most amazing time we’ve had when he was passed out and we carried him to the emergency room? I barely know him.”

“Fine, fine. That’s a stupid question.”

Yeonjun is snickering at him, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Of course. He had just let go of his first chance at romance after almost three years now so why wont he be okay? “Yeah”, he responds.

Yeonjun is still staring at him but he shrugs. “Take some rest.”

“Yes, I’ll go back to sleep once you leave.”

“Alright, I’ll see you tomorrow for the meeting. Make sure you look like half a decent human being and not contagious anymore.” Yeonjun gives him a wave and steps out, “See you!”

Beomgyu crawls back into bed when he hears the door click. He picks up his phone and its quite odd not to find any new notifications for him.

He opens his Naver and immediately sees a new post from Taehyun’s official account page. He had followed it the night they had went out and may have forgotten to unfollow it.

The last photo is a selfie that Taehyun took inside a sleek vehicle, its interior glistening like brand new. Taehyun is grinning at the camera, holding a peace sign, his eyes smudged with dark eyeliner and hair brushed up. Behind him, the rest of the members of TXT are holding a peace sign. the caption reads: “See you in a bit, Beijing!”

Beomgyu cant help but smile bitterly at the photo. This is what he wants, right? So why the hell does he feel like crying now?
____

Life goes on for Beomgyu and Yeonjun. It took another two days before he’s well enough to meet with their new client in a very upscale restaurant at the heart of Seoul.

He is in his usual work clothes—blue button up over white undershirt and faded blue jeans with white sneakers. He hates how Yeonjun didn’t even warn him to dress accordingly and the guy actually looked decent enough with polo shirt and slacks.

Despite that, they still look terribly out of place especially in the presence of the grandson of Jeon Suyeon, Jeon Jeongguk.

He’s a pleasant looking guy, dark hair and broad shoulders. His height and presence is domineering especially in that expensive looking tailored suit. He would have been intimidating, except he has the kindest eyes and an easy smile which reminds Beomgyu a lot of his grandmother he met last week.

He has been smiling a lot during the meeting, claiming to really just meet the artist who will take care of his grandma’s teahouse. Though he seems to be throwing a fond look whenever Beomgyu is speaking.

In the last hour, he and Yeonjun had shown him the draft sketches Beomgyu had made and Jeongguk immediately developed a liking on one of the designs which is really what Beomgyu is proposing.

It’s a respectful design which meant Beomgyu didn’t remove the classic, honey elements of the place but more of upgraded the spots that needed upgrading. Probably the biggest change is the back wall which he wants to open up and have a door out of the garden.

He has seen the garden and its actually very well maintained and very beautiful.

“So you can email me the revised designs, soon?”

Beomgyu smiles, saving up the notes in his tablet, “Sure. Can you give me at least two days for this?”

Jeongguk nods, “Ah, right, right…. you’re still working on the studio.”

Beomgyu frowns in confusion as he eyes Yeonjun, who looks equally confused. Not once in their conversation did they mention that they’re working on a studio.

Jeongguk’s mood shifts and he almost looks embarrassed, “Ah sorry….my half-brother, he is actually the one who recommended you.”

“Oh, so he’s the owner of KTH Studio?” Yeonjun asks. The elusive owner whom they never met and hadn’t dropped by in the studio not even once. It kind of makes sense now. Its impossible that Jeon Jeongguk found them nowhere—like it’s a random inquiry they received.

“Well, yeah…. sort of. He owns the big chunk of it and I own what’s rest.”

“Oh, must be nice.”

“Hah! Not always. He can be such a brat sometimes.” Jeongguk chuckles to himself as if he’s remembering something. “Anyway, I guess it comes up with his age. He’s still pretty young.”

Beomgyu nods, fascinated at how soft and gentle the last words were spoken. This guy must really love his brother.

“Anyway, I still have some meetings to go to but its really nice to meet you.” Jeongguk stands up and takes the bill to indicate he’ll take care of it. “I’ll see you again, sometime soon?”

They both say goodbye after thanking him for lunch and Beomgyu watches the man disappear through the door.

“I liked the other design better.” Yeonjun says and Beomgyu rolls his eyes, “You just like to tear things apart.”

Yeonjun chuckles, “What’s wrong with that?”

They pick up things and proceed towards the exit. “By the way, I have to drop by our furniture supplier from here.”

“Why? What happened?”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle.” Yeonjun grins. “Anyway, I’m telling you this to ask if you’ll be okay going back to KTH on your own?”

“What do you take me for? A kid?” Beomgyu laughs, “I’ll take a cab. Just go.”

They go their separate ways when they exit the building, Beomgyu hailing a cab nearby.
____

He goes down from the cab as soon as he paid it and almost bumps into someone in a hurry. A chill runs down his spine when he smells a familiar scent emanating from the guy who is hurriedly walking away.

He turns to him but either he sprinted away in a hurry or Beomgyu is just imagining things but the man has somehow disappeared into the crowd.

Still, that lingering smell makes him feel uneasy and he pushes down the ugly thoughts in his head before he heads inside.

Its been a while since he’s been to KTH and he has to say, he has missed the smell of paint of paint and wood when he opens the backdoor to the studio.

The staffs are all happy to see him again when he entered, after been absent for almost a week. The moment he entered the studio, they dropped what they’re doing just to welcome him back.

When he was sick, these staffs made sure to update him with the progress of their work, making sure not to ask so many questions and at the same time, relieving him of any extra anxiety.

Choi Soobin, ever the most reliable one is quick to remind him that there are some deliveries waiting for him on his desk. He thanks him and kindly tells the rest of the staffs to get back to work before heading to the lobby where his makeshift desk is located.

He sees two different packages, one—he is sure of are the mock ups of the lobby’s signage that they requested last week. He opens them eagerly and hums in approval. Hueningkai walks inside the space to bring him his coffee when he notices the signages. “Those look great, hyung.”

Beomgyu agrees, taking the coffee from him, “They really look cool against the mural, don’t you think?”

“Uh-huh. Too bad you can choose only one.”

Beomgyu groans, “I know! And its frustrating if both looks good!”

Hueningkai hums walking beside him. The mural is right in front of him and the other guy takes each signage and raises them at eye level so they can see how they match the mural. After a while, Beomgyu has made his choice. “Thanks for your help, Hueningkai.”

“Anytime, hyung.” Hueningkai says, about to leave when he notices the other package. “What about the other one?”

Beomgyu thinks about the other deliveries he should be receiving that would warrant that and can think of nothing. It’s a small 4x4 box, sealed with a packaging tape.

“Who delivered this?” he asks, picking it up. He checks his tablet to see if there are any other scheduled deliveries today and there is none.

Hueningkai shrugs, “It was there when we came in. but the temps usually handle small deliveries like that.”

“Hmm….”, Beomgyu feels a sense of familiar dread as he checks the box for return address and there is none. It has his name though, and KTH studio.

Hueningkai is eyeing him curiously, “Could be the fabric swatches for the curtain. I remember Yeonjun hyung reminding us that it was supposed to be here yesterday but it didn’t come.” That’s possible, but he and Yeonjun are always updating each other in there is a change in delivery.

He sends a message to Yeonjun just in case.

<< Hyung, the fabric swatches for the curtains arrived today. It was addressed to me so are you okay with me opening it?

>> Ah, right right. Sorry I didn’t update the tracker. Yes, it was late but you can open it and make your recommendations already. Lets talk about when I get back, yeah?

<< Its fine. I’ll check on them already.

“Its for the curtains.” He tells Hueningkai who nods and excuses himself and Beomgyu almost chuckles because that kid, who is really good in dealing metalwork and woodwork—is really so bad at choosing the soft materials like fabric, carpet, more. He is very different from Soobin, who is almost as good as Yeonjun when it comes to that.

He decides to send an email to the signage supplier to inform them of his choice. Before he does so, he places the mock-up by the wall and takes photos in all angles, just to check where he needs to put the pin lights on the wall or if he even needs them in the first place. Metal signages reflect a lot of light anyways. Maybe he should make some parts of it matte.

It takes a while to do this. Eventually, he remembers the pacjage sitting idly on his table and he picks it up, shakes a bit, noticing how light it is before cutting through the tape.

He opens the box and drops it in cold dread when he sees what’s inside. The familiar scent is back, and the heavy perfume pervades the air around him, filling him with dark memories he had long forgotten—pulling him back in the dark, choking him.

He screams.
____

“I’m really glad Beomgyu hyung is back.” Hueningkai beams at Soobin who is sorting through the curtain rings and hooks, putting them into boxes so he could turn them over to the temporary manual labourers who are currently on a break.

Its their other staff, Minhee, who answers him, “Yeah, maybe now you can stop slacking and do some actual work.” The boy is snickering, obviously just riling up the other boy who is now glaring diggers at him.

Before Hueningkai can even start retaliating with a small retort, Soobin has come between them and raises his hand, “Stop being kids.”

Both Soobin and Hueningkai knows what Minhee said is not really serious. Soobin knows that the two’s endless everyday banters start like this and will only stop when Yeonjun yells at the two of them to stop or if Beomgyu happens to pass them by.

In truth, all of them are quite relieved and excited to have their boss back. He’s a steady presence in the office—not as organised as Yeonjun, but not as moody as well.

“Well, at least Yeonjun hyung will be in a greater mood now that Beomgyu hyung is back.” Minhee says.

“Yeah, he yelled at me yesterday.”

“What’s new? He yells at you everyday, anyway.”

“How about fuck you?”

“Your words hurt me.”

“You’re elder than me!”

“Guys, just—”

The words die instantly in Soobin’s lips when they hear a scream in the lobby where Beomgyu is. The three of them look at each other before Minhee leads the way to where the scream came from.

Dozens of scenes play in his mind but it all points at one common theme—an accident. There has been an accident. He thinks of what could have happened that would warrant that kind of scream because it definitely sounded like a scream of fear.

The scene they arrived at was not what he had in mind—thankfully nothing seemed amiss and Beomgyu is by the table, seemingly not hurt. He almost relaxes until Hueningkai asks, “Beomgyu-hyung?” his voice full of anxiety and he finally actually looks at Beomgyu.

He feels gutted. A terrible panic hits him when he sees how Beomgyu is leaning one hand over the table as if to keep him upright, breaths coming in short and fast, his eyes are wide and staring wildly at something on the floor. He’s gripping his chest, the other hand curled in a tight fist, his knuckles already getting white. He has seen a lot of this to know he is suffering a panic attack.

“Get out!” Beomgyu screams and it’s the first time he actually hears the guy use that voice. He’s a soft spoken guy—never screams and usually just shyly smiles at them.

“Call Yeonjun hyung.” He tells Minhee calmly who nods and starts walking out of the room, “And take him with you.” He says, referring to Hueningkai. Minhee grabs the other guy who is helplessly looking at Soobin, and drags him out of the room as well.

“Beomgyu, its me Soobin.” He says softly. He’s been through a lot of the same thing. He knows what will help—speak in short sentences. “Its going to be okay…. you just have to take deep breaths.”

He walks towards the man, both hands raised. “Its fine…. You’ll be fine…. Take a deep breath. Inhale…. Exhale….” he holds Beomgyu’s shoulder and the guy flinches but he doesn’t move away. He’s taking deep breaths and Soobin continues to count it down for him. Inhale. Exhale. You’ll be fine. You’re doing just fine. Inhale, exhale.

He looks down on the floor where Beomgyu is still looking at and frowns. There is nothing there except an open box, and inside sits a deep red silk tie.