IF I STAY

These Broken Things

Beomgyu isn’t sure if he’s dreaming or if he’s awake. He’s not sure if he’s alive or already dead. But when he opens his eyes, he’s no longer on the floor but on a bed. No longer naked but fully dressed in a clean shirt and blue jeans. He is carefully tucked in, the warm, clean sheets over his chest. His hands and feet are no longer bound and the duct tape in his mouth has been removed. He feels warm—and for a brief moment, he feels a sense of comfort.


Maybe he is dead. Maybe he suffocated and was left to die in that. Except every part of his body hurts—the pain coming from every little movement he makes, opening his eyes, moving his fingers and toes, even breathing makes him feel like his ribs are being ripped apart. He has no energy left and the small amount of freedom doesn’t make things
better.


Death would have been sweeter than this.

He touches the raw skin of his wrists, feels his arms ache from where they’ve probably been dislocated. The wound on his chest feels like it’s being burned over and over again whenever the fabric of his shirt touches it. He groans in pain… only for nothing to come out because his throat is so parched.


He pushes himself up to sit from the bed and looks around, realizing he’s completely alone. He’s in a different place now, somewhere he doesn’t recognize--no windows but just bricked walls around him and a steel door in front of him. The only furniture is the cot where he was sitting on, a bedside table with a lamp which is the only source of light available. There is a metal pitcher of water and an empty glass. He refuses to drink it, afraid that it’s drugged and it’s part of Byung-hoon’s ruse to torture him some more.


Where is this place?


He doesn’t have the energy to think or move. He goes back down on the bed and closes his eyes and hopes that sleep takes him again. He is just so exhausted and dreaming of the past probably will be a small mercy in his current reality.


BANG! BANG!


His eyes fly open when he hears gunshots from somewhere above him. Is he already dreaming? Is he imagining things? This sound makes him anxious and he begins to really observe his surroundings. Is he in a
basement? He doesn’t even know this place has a basement! He looks up at the ceiling and it’s made of the same brick material that makes up the walls. He turns to look back at the door… and then at the metal pitcher on the table and an idea comes to mind. Maybe…


He hesitates… if there is really nobody else up there and Byung-hoon walks up to him trying to ask for help, he will definitely not like it. But then, what could he really lose now? He’s better off dead anyway. Maybe, he could arouse Byung-hoon’s bloodthirst with that and he would finally just kill him.


This last thought is what actually makes him move.


He reaches for the pitcher, arms screaming with pain. Shaky hands grab the metal handle, spilling the water on the floor as he’s too weak to actually hold its weight properly. It doesn’t matter. He pushes himself off the bed, winces when his bare feet touch the cold cement ground but he doesn’t let that deter him.


He stumbles towards the door, dragging his half-dead body until he reaches the lever handle. He uses this so he can at least softly sit on the floor. It’s a regular steel door, parts of it already red with dust. He leans against it, and shivers as the cold seep into his tired body. He breathes in, ignores the pain racking his chest. Tired… so tired… With all his remaining strength, he slams the metal pitcher against the door.


CLANG! CLANG! CLANG!


It creates a percussive rhythm that rings inside the room, bouncing against the bricked walls creating a haunting sound. He continues to do this for a few minutes until his hands eventually give out from exhaustion. He waits but everything goes silent. He lets himself wallow in self-pity for a while… knowing his efforts are all futile. They chose the apartment complex specifically because it’s secluded and away from prying eyes which means rescue is not imminent.


Hope is a terrible thing. It makes him yearn for things he knows will never happen. It makes him imagine things like that soft rustle outside his door, those footsteps that will never come… He closes his eyes, again and resigns himself to his fate. Maybe he will die here now…


He is at that state between sleep and wakefulness when someone bangs at the door. For a split second, fear and hope grip his heart. Did someone hear him? Is this Byung-hoon? Is this a rescue or a punishment?


Maybe, he’s just dreaming… Maybe, if he closes his eyes, he will be transported back to happier times.


A rough voice comes through the door but the words are inaudible, he doesn’t recognize it either but he feels someone outside is trying to pry it open.


BANG! BANG! BANG!


Three gunshots make him jump and he falls down on the floor. He covers his ears from the terrible ringing sound. Someone kicks at the door and it slams open. Light immediately floods in, momentarily blinding him.


A man’s silhouette appears and Beomgyu just closes his eyes and hopes Byung-hoon makes his death quick.


“Hyung….”


His eyes struggle to open when he hears Taehyun’s voice. He pushes himself up and there, standing right at the door frame, a few feet away from him is Kang Taehyun--distressed and looking very different than his usual self.


Huh. This illusion is too realistic. There is just no way the guy would be here. Didn’t he run away from him? Didn’t he say harsh words and turned him away? This is a dream. It must be, because there’s just no way Taehyun would find him here.


Still, tears come immediately as a wave of longing fills him. It’s too much--more than the pain in his body, it’s the hope that will kill him. Maybe this is his chance to say goodbye. Maybe, this time he can tie loose ends and go in peace.


He gives a small smile before he blacks out.


-----


Taehyun barely makes it to catch Beomgyu as he falls down to the floor. When his body lands on him, it almost feels like air. Holding him there, he fights the urge to crush him in a tight embrace. He looks so fragile and he’s afraid that doing so would only hurt him more.


Relief and anger bloom in his chest creating a poisonous concoction he has never felt before. His mouth pressed in a thin, angry line as he regards the pitiful state Beomgyu is. His eyes land on his shirt and he notices a bloodied patch on his right chest. His hand hovers on the edge of the shirt wondering if it’s a good idea to see the extent of what Byung-hoon has done to Beomgyu.


He is in this state of dilemma when Yeonjun walks in and kneels before them. His face reflects the exact outrage in Taehyun’s face when he sees Beomgyu. Taehyun makes up his mind and carefully pulls up Beomgyu’s shirt only to quickly pull it back down when he sees the purple bruising and the fresh, burnt flesh.


He takes deep slow breaths to clear his mind from this burning rage that is telling him to go right back up and just shoot Byung-hoon in the face. Yeonjun is seething beside him, as well, but probably because this was not the first time he has seen Beomgyu like that, he recovered faster and grabbed Beomgyu’s wrist to check his pulse. Taehyun sees the angry red marks of the ropes used to bind him around those wrists but he chooses not to comment about it.


“We need to…” Yeonjun starts gently putting down Beomgyu’s hands relieved that there’s a weak steady pulse, “...get him some help.”


Taehyun understands the urgency but when Yeonjun moves to help him carry Beomgyu, his body automatically refuses to share him, choosing instead to carry him princess style. He hates this possessive side of him especially at a time like this, but he’s afraid if he ever lets Beomgyu go, he’ll just disappear.


They are silent when they trudge their way out of the underground shelter. Yoongi was the one who discovered this… a hidden door in the middle of the bushes at the back of the apartment complex. He doesn’t know what the place is for and Taehyun doesn’t even want to think of the possibilities it entails.


When they come up, he’s surprised to see Jeongguk waiting for them, the entire security team already on standby. He figures they could have easily stormed the shelter but his brother chose to give them a little bit of privacy.


“Go. Take my car. I’ll deal with him.” He says as they share a pained look. Truth be told, Taehyun isn’t even thinking about that monster anymore. His anger is still there—simmering at the edge but right now, the need to make sure Beomgyu is well and alive goes above anything else.


He just nods at Jeongguk and walks towards the black sedan waiting for them to take them to the nearest hospital. Yeonjun opens the door for them before he wordlessly takes the passenger seat.


He deposited Beomgyu gently on the backseat, buckling him in before he does the same to himself. He gently arranges him so his head is lying on his lap, his arm bracing his body, should he fall. He watches him carefully, making sure he is still breathing. Surprisingly, his face is untouched, apart from the dry, cracking lips… Beomgyu almost looks the same. He is so beautiful it hurts.


He has that incessant urge to touch his face. Trace his face with his fingertips, wipe the tear stains on his cheeks. But he stops himself, because after what he had been through, he knows he needs comfort rather than unwanted affection. Instead, he slides his hands to hold Beomgyu’s, intertwining their fingers together hoping that single link could heal whatever suffering and pain and knowing in his heart that it won’t.


He sees Yeonjun watching them from the rear-view mirror. He only sees his eyes so he can’t see the reaction he is making but he doesn’t say anything so he lets it go.


Taehyun squeezes Beomgyu’s fingers and lets himself cry as the car moves along.


-----


Jeongguk had never seen his brother that broken. And it feels him with a cold rage he didn’t know he possesses.


But when he saw the battered body of Beomgyu in Taehyun’s arms, he understood a lot of things. One, that Beomgyu is no ordinary friend to his brother, he had never seen Taehyun express so many emotions for one person not since their mother died. Two, that he will do anything in his power not to see that broken look on his brother’s face. It doesn’t matter how… he just can’t bear to look at that again. And lastly, that he can actually be a very cruel person.


Yeonjun called him an hour ago to tell him they had arrived at the hospital and Beomgyu has been taken care of. He had used Taehyun’s phone as the other guy simply refuses to leave Beomgyu’s side… which is good because it means he is too distracted to deal with this piece of trash currently bound to a chair in front of him.


The man is already conscious, but his bruised eyes are half open and he’s coughing up blood that stains his suit. His whole face is swollen and his head wobbles to one side as if it’s become too heavy. Of course, not after what Yoongi did to him.


“Do you understand now? I’m doing you a small favour.” Jeongguk asks, not leaving his seat. He’s at their security team’s other office. It’s a bunker for Yoongi where he handles all the special cases. This is supposedly a safehouse for Jeongguk if ever he feels unsafe (being a successful businessman has its dangers too). Only a select few people in his security team know about this place. Not even Taehyun and for a good reason.


The office in this building is a copycat of his own office in their skyscraper. Of course, except for the magnificent view because this place has no windows. But it has a kitchen and that kitchen has coffee.


“Fuck you.” Byung-hoon spits up blood on the floor as he glares at Jeongguk.


“I’m not sure you understand.” He picks up his mug and eyes the guy again who regards him with hate, “You touch my brother or Choi Beomgyu or anybody I know again… You lay a finger on any of them, and you’ll be back here.” He looks over at Yoongi, “And there will be no coming out.”


Byung-hoon has the audacity to laugh at him, making blood flow out of his mouth, “You will never get away with it.”


“I wouldn’t be so sure…” Jeongguk shrugs, “Money works in mysterious ways…” he eyes the guy curiously behind his cup, “You of all people should know that.”


Byung-hoon gapes at him, but he won’t back down easily. He has to give it to him—this man is so delusional, but he is a fighter. “You don’t know me.”


Jeongguk sighs, shaking his head… he doesn’t even think he can do something like this, but he remembers the dark look on his brother’s face and he knows if he won’t do this now, Taehyun will eventually find this guy and probably kill him. The scandal it will create will crush him.


“But I do.” He says, “Came from a well-off family. Was considered a prodigy in Judo, competed on a national level, which is impressive by the way. Went to Princeton University to study business but dropped out after a year then you went here to Beijing to study business and then after graduating… you went on ahead and lead your family business.”


The look of shock is enough for Jeongguk to feel grateful for reading the guy’s file. “I think it’s you who doesn’t know me nor what I can do so let me introduce myself… I’m Jeon Jeongguk.”


It takes him a moment to recognize the name. And Jeongguk can see the wheels turning in his head as well as the exact moment it all clicks.


“It’s you.” Byung-hoon says and it almost makes him grin in satisfaction as the man’s current reality sets in. It’s amazing how people can change drastically in the face of real danger. It doesn’t take much more convincing to make him agree to Jeongguk’s demands. It’s a pity, really, but it’s over before he even knows it. The deal has been made, and Byung-hoon thinks he’s done it again--coming off a crime unscathed.


Except Jeongguk is sure that the guy will never ever leave them alone. He has read his files and the guy has a twisted sense of entitlement and he is also incredibly vengeful. He’s protecting his family. He keeps repeating that in his head. He’s doing this to protect his brother. He’s the only family I have. It was either him or Taehyun in jail. The choice is pretty obvious, but that doesn’t make it any easier.


He makes sure the door is locked when he and Yoongi went out to leave Byung-hoon alone. Yoongi is following him silently, awaiting his final orders. Before he reaches the exit, he does stop and turn to him. There are no words between them, but they share a knowing look and the man
understands immediately.


When Jeongguk enters the waiting car, he asks his driver to turn on the music to its maximum volume before driving off.


He doesn’t hear the two gunshots that fired off.


-----


There are unrecognizable voices around him. Hushed whispers talking inaudibly against a mechanical whirring sound. His body feels warm and thoroughly, inexplicably numb. Like his limbs are made of lead and he can’t move them no matter what.


He tries to open his heavy-lidded eyes--and almost succeeds if not for the white blinding light that forces him to shut them back instantly. He takes a deep breath, noticing how the ache in his ribs has tuned down to a dull, throbbing ache instead of a sharp bruising pain. The smell of antiseptic followed by the sweetness of lavender assaults his senses.


Where is he? Is he finally dead?


Forcing his eyes to open again, he blinks repeatedly until he finally adjusts to the light. The first thing he sees is the white panelled ceiling and the cream-colored walls of a hospital room. It’s devoid of any color only now does he understand why people who visit brings flowers to add a little color into the dull place.


A humidifier is continuously blowing warm steam on his face which fogs his vision for a bit, but he can see a window open at the left side of the room, a few feet from where his bed is located. He can hear, more than see the machines stationed beside his bed and the more he comes into consciousness, the more he hears their mechanical sounds.


His head is swimming from all these minute details and he can’t figure out if this is real or he’s just imagining things. Looking around, he finally sees the sources of the voices he heard--three figures huddled together at the foot of his bed. Two of them are dressed in white and one, dressed in dark blue. All of them have their backs to him so he can’t really see their faces, but he’s sure one of them is a woman.


A nurse, probably. She’s the first one to turn to him and her face small face perks up from surprise, “Doctor, look!”


Both guys turn to look at him and he blinks again to clear his vision. The other guy is an older bespectacled man who regards him with a pensive look. He’s wearing a lab coat and a silver nameplate which is too far for Beomgyu to understand. The other guy is Yeonjun.


The three come towards him, but only Yeonjun stands further away from him. The other two check on the machines before the doctor starts talking to him, “I’m Dr. Kim Seokjin… You’re at Asan Medical Centre. Do you know what your name is?”


He swallows hard, his mouth still feels like sandpaper but he still manages a rough, “Choi Beomgyu.”


Dr. Kim nods, whether to acknowledge his response or to express his approval, he’s not sure because his face remains impassive, “Do you know what date it is today?”


He shakes his head and Dr. Kim tells him the date. He’s shocked to know that it had already been a week since…


He looks up at Yeonjun whose face is turned into a painful scowl. The doctor speaks again and discusses his injuries… some minor broken bones which they already fixed, wounds they have patched up and the minor infection on the burn on his chest that they have already treated. He also mentions they could cover up the burn in the future but that discussion is for another day. Beomgyu likes how he didn’t refer to it as a brand or the fact that he didn’t ask if he remembers anything.


He just sort of breezed through what he needs to know and tells him he’s on his way to a full recovery. He excuses himself out of the room after instructing the nurse about his medications. The nurse has a gentle face and she smiles as she introduces herself, “I’m Jung Eunbi. I’ll just give you your pain meds and be on my way. You might feel sleepy again but that’s okay. You need all the sleep you can get.”


She carefully gets his right hand where the dextrose is connected. Beomgyu looks at the marks left by the ropes on his wrist and it feels him with anxiety once again but he pretends not to be bothered by it and lets Eunbi do her thing.


Yeonjun comes up to his bed when Eunbi leaves, promising to be back after an hour for his antibiotics. He doesn’t say anything, but his presence gives comfort to Beomgyu that he even forgot the past arguments they had… what were they even arguing about?


“Beomgyu…” Yeonjun breaks the silence which is great because he really doesn’t want to speak at all. The guy looks like a lost puppy, like he’s figuring out if he is still mad at him. How can he be mad? He’s the first person that he saw since Byung-hoon.


An image and a voice keeps replaying in his head and he thinks he’s being delusional again. Truth is, he does remember everything clearly- the abduction, the torture... up until he woke up in a different room and he slipped in and out of reality and illusion. He can’t believe he actually
imagined Taehyun to be there.


He gives a soft smile and feels the stretch of it on his dry lips, “We’ve made this a habit.”


The confusion on Yeonjun’s eyes makes him want to laugh but he is scared that if he does, the pain will stab his chest again.


“This.” He says, “Me ending up at the hospital with you...”


The look of surprise and the bitter chuckle that falls on Yeonjun’s eyes cracks the ice of awkwardness that not one of them even realized had settled in the room.


Yeonjun moves to embrace him and he lets him, even if the effort makes him grunt in pain. They stay like that for a few moments, both comfortable in each other’s familiar presence.


“I am so relieved you’re still here.” Yeonjun breathes out the words and he can’t really tell how mutual the feeling is.


“I’m sorry.” Beomgyu says, tears already welling up from his eyes, “For always causing you trouble.”


Yeonjun pulls away at arm’s length and in his most serious tone, he says, “I’d do it a hundred times over again, no questions asked.”


Beomgyu smiles again and blinks slowly at him. Yeonjun notices, “You should probably get more rest.”


Beomgyu yawns and nods, finally feeling the effect of the medicine in his system. He lies back down again, Yeonjun helping him with his pillow.


“Hey, hyung…”


“Hmn?”


“Thank you for saving me, again.”


His eyes slip closed and he hears Yeonjun speaking but he doesn’t hear it as darkness takes him.

-----


Sojung hands him a black sleep mask when he settles down on the seat next to her. They’re on their flight back to Seoul after spending five exhausting days in Beijing for the contract signing, meeting the directors and producers, cold reading and some television appearances Sojung managed to squeeze in to promote TXT’s upcoming album.


He and Liu Yifei have been acquainted for the most part and he found out she’s a very nice person. Very down to earth, unassuming and really has a pretty smile. He now understands her charm, so on the very last day of their tour, when she casually asked for his KakaoTalk, he gave it
sincerely.


Sojung is ecstatic to witness their chemistry, and he’d be lying if he says he isn’t too. At least he’ll be sure that he won’t have a toxic work environment the next year. Working with someone you don’t like is torturing yourself every day.


He puts the earbuds right away and fixes his pillow and blanket and thanks whatever god that he at least is flying business class. Maybe that’s Jeongguk’s doing but whatever. He checks his phone one last time before he puts it into airplane mode. There’s a message from Jeongguk that wishes him a safe flight, but his eyes are transfixed to the other message coming from Yeonjun.


~Taehyun, he’s awake.


That simple statement makes his heartache for a couple of reasons—happiness, relief, longing and resignation. He remembers the day he left for China, the long conversation he had with Jeongguk and Yeonjun just outside of Beomgyu’s room.


Sojung seems to notice this, as she looks up from her notebook and calls him, “Taehyun-ssi? Are you listening?”


He doesn’t even know she’s talking. She sighs and almost rolls her eyes upon seeing the lost look on his face, “I said, I think it’s better if you take the day off tomorrow. Rest from our China trip. But I’ve arranged your schedule so you have at least two-week break for the holidays.”


Holidays? Oh right, it’s almost Christmas.


“Where do you want to go? I could book your flight and hotels for you.”


Where does he want to go? He hasn’t even considered going on a break. Every year, he makes sure that every winter break, he goes somewhere far from Korea or even Asia. A private ski resort somewhere in Switzerland; a secluded house in Santorini; a private home in Croatia… all these trips were arranged months prior. Now, he has no plans.


“Anywhere but Seoul.” He says finally and Sojung blinks at him with surprise… before her face melts into a mask of understanding, “I see…” then after a while she adds, “I’ll arrange a trip for you.”


He doesn’t acknowledge that, instead he puts on the sleep mask, plays a white noise playlist from his Air Pods and closes his eyes to sleep.


-----


Yeonjun is staring at the screen of his phone, waiting for a message to pop out but none arrives. He looks back at the man lying on the hospital bed, his fragile body a little too small for it. He lost a lot of weight for just a few days and he can’t help but worry about how the aftermath of this ordeal will affect him.


By far, this has been the worst thing that has ever happened to Beomgyu, but he also knows how much of a fighter the man really is for being able to pull through and continue living. He just hopes Beomgyu realizes this as well.


He shifts to a more comfortable position in his recliner as he watches Beomgyu’s steady breaths. The machines are beeping continuously, and this cacophony of sounds relaxes him a bit. He had sent messages to his staffs in their group chat to share the news and he reads their words of happiness and encouragement. He tells them he’ll make sure Beomgyu reads them has eased his mind for a bit, but he knows has to eventually go back to check on them tomorrow.


He has also sent a message to Beomgyu’s family, the day he went missing but they didn’t even respond so he didn’t update them on finding him. They didn’t deserve it anyway and he sometimes wonder, why he even bothers.


He checks his phone again making sure he has read the seen status on the chatroom he shares with Taehyun. Still no response. Taehyun did mention that he’ll be flying off to Beijing this week but it’s almost a week now and he’s probably on his flight back to Seoul. He ponders on the possibility of him dropping by to visit Beomgyu.


He turns to look back at the guy sleeping peacefully under the warm covers. He wonders if he has done the right thing of not telling him it’s actually Taehyun who found him.


Well, Taehyun was adamant that he not tell the guy he was the one who rescued him. He said he didn’t want to scare off Beomgyu again with his unwanted, misplaced affection because that’s the last thing he needs in his recovery. The guy made it pretty clear he didn’t want him in his life and Taehyun didn’t understand before, but now that he does… he’s finally giving it to him.


Yeonjun understands, and probably Jeongguk who was with them that time, did, too. Taehyun is still a celebrity and no matter where he goes and what he does, his life will always be put on the spotlight. He’s a bit lucky to have someone like Jeongguk to iron things out for him whenever some scandal is about to come out like the one that happened in the dance studio… but he might not be so lucky the next time.


Yeonjun used to think that celebrities are selfish—young ones especially. They are reckless and selfish and they only care about looking good for the cameras but when he saw the intensity on
Taehyun’s eyes… the hurt beneath them as he makes this sacrifice just for Beomgyu, he realizes how wrong he was.


Just keep him safe.


That’s the last thing Taehyun had told him before he went out of the hospital room and he just knew how much those words meant everything to him. It’s his goodbye.


-----


Beomgyu wakes up with Yeonjun telling him he’ll need to leave for Ansan to visit their project site. For a while, he’s scared once again, knowing Byung-hoon is still out there but Yeonjun had told him not to worry about him because it has been taken care of. He doesn’t elaborate on this and encourages Beomgyu to not ask more questions. He just needs to trust Yeonjun when he says that the guy will never touch him ever again. He doubts it, but was left with no choice.


To ease his mind, Yeonjun has told the nurses about him being alone so he only needed to buzz them in if he needed anything. He doesn’t really mind because Eunbi is apparently an excellent companion.


She entertains him with different stories from her life—how she’s the eldest in their family and has a twelve-year-old brother who also loves painting. When she learned that he’s a painter, too… she starts talking about different art supplies he could give his brother and mentions taking him to their studio one of these days.


She also fills him in with the latest hospital gossip… so now he knows his night nurse who’s the exact opposite of Eunbi as she’s shy and quiet, is pining after a surgeon at the respiratory department. She’s a chatterbox and Beomgyu should have minded but he’s terribly bored and
having someone to talk to is a real mood booster.


He also gets frequent visits from his staffs for the next three days of his stay. Most of them come in batches, bringing him gifts to keep him occupied. He had regretfully already lost his phone and in one visit, Yeonjun thankfully gives him a new one. It takes one whole day for him to recover his accounts and sync his files, during that time he’d been using the hospital’s television as his background noise.


He just watches random shows, whatever is playing on the television which is mostly reruns of local dramas and live broadcasts of entertainment shows… he barely watches them anyway.


But it’s in one of this shows that he sees Taehyun, again. He’s a guest in a short segment of a talk show broadcasted live. As always, he is styled impeccably well, although his blue hair has already faded into a chestnut brown shade that softens his rather stiff expression. He is wearing a complimenting light denim blue jacket and pants plus an oversized white shirt underneath. Somehow, this look makes him appear younger.


The host mentions how Taehyun was just in China and welcomes him back to Seoul. It’s a confirmation that he was just imagining Taehyun in the bunker. This dampens his mood a bit, but he thinks it’s really presumptuous of him to even think he would be there anyway. But he did kind of hoped he was.


The host asks what he did to China and he explained that it’s to promote TXT’s single who was already released during the time he was indisposed. Then he also shares the news of him signing a deal with some top producers for an upcoming drama where he will star with Liu Yifei. He doesn’t know her but she seems like a big deal with the way the hosts swoon about this single information. The host mentions how he can’t help but see a blooming chemistry between the two of them.


Taehyun gives an awkward smile, licking his cherry-colored lips that look a little too unnatural against the artificial light of the television before he does nod, “Well, she’s really kind. She’s my senior and she makes sure I’m comfortable in every way.”


The answer is polite and obviously rehearsed. But Beomgyu still feels a slight sting inside his heart at the declaration.


The hosts begin to ask about the project and Taehyun says he’ll be flying to China by next year after the winter break is over and will probably stay there for a year. The host wolf whistles and nods as if he understands how the next year will be a busy year for the young, budding actor.


Taehyun smiles awkwardly again.


Speaking of the winter break, the host says in a cheery voice, he asks Taehyun about his plans for this holiday, where he would spend it. Taehyun says somewhere in Europe but doesn’t particularly say where. Of course, to protect his privacy.


The talk moves on and the segment with Taehyun is soon over. Beomgyu picks up the remote control and mutes the television just in time for Eunbi to enter the room with his medicine. He stopped taking painkillers yesterday but he’s tempted to ask for them again because they make him feel numb.


He shouldn’t resent Taehyun for moving on with his life. He shouldn’t feel like he’d been left behind and forgotten, because he wasn’t and even if he was… what does it matter anyway?


-----


Beomgyu is released from the hospital after another two days… with a strict, no hard-manual labour for the remainder of the month as his body is still healing. He gets a recommendation for a derma surgeon to fix the scar on his chest as well as an appointment with a psychologist to support him through the mental recovery process.


He went back to their Ansan apartment into the tearful, happy faces of his staffs. He apologized for the trouble he caused but they were just too happy to have him back. They had a mini-reunion party at the apartment, which is mainly just some pizza and beer. Beomgyu loves it… being in a familiar space and surrounded by familiar faces.


Pretty soon, he’s back in his usual routine. He’s allowed to go back to Haedabang where he’s surprised at the progress they already did in his absence. Yeonjun had told him they’ll probably be able to turn over the project in one or two weeks and seeing it now, he wonders what else can he do.


Nothing, it seems. Everyone in their agency is treating him like a china doll, he hates it. But he also hates himself for hating it because they’re really just doing the best for him. He tells his psychologist this the first time he met him. He’s a pretty young fellow with a boyish gentle face and deep dimples in both cheeks that show every time he speaks. Kim Namjoon, is his name and he is soft-spoken and very easy to talk to.


Still, Beomgyu finds opening up to him hard. So Namjoon recommends finding an outlet to express his emotions without talking about it.


That’s how he ended up painting in empty canvasses every afternoon like an angsty teenager. Sometimes, if he’s in a good mood, the paint he would use are filled with light colors, pastels, and neon… but there are times when the paint is too dark it’s basically just a different shade of black.


He records these, takes a photo of it every day and sends it to Namjoon so he could monitor his moods.


It was how Jeongguk found him one afternoon. Face stained with paint and aggressively brushing the color red on one empty canvas. He’s in the kitchen of Haedabang which they had converted to a temporary office finishing up his painting for the day when the guy walks in and
sees him.


Beomgyu is more surprised than he is, “Ah, Jeongguk hyung.”


Jeongguk nods at him and smiles softly, eyeing the painting in front of him, “How are you Beomgyu?”


Beomgyu gestures at his painting, “Just a side project.” He walks towards one of the sinks to wash his hands at least of the wet paint residue although he knows it will take more than that to completely wash it off.


Jeongguk doesn’t comment on how bloody his painting looks today, instead, he sits down on one of the remaining stools in the kitchen after they had cleared the space out, “I want to apologize about not telling you.”


Beomgyu wipes his hands on his apron and looks at Jeongguk. He looks sincerely apologetic.


Beomgyu shrugs, “It’s fine.” He didn’t mean for it to sound too apathetic, but he seriously doesn’t care anymore. He has lots of things going on to actually mind not hurting other people’s feelings.


“How’s the studio launch anyway?” He asks just to change the topic.


“Well, we had to postpone it.”


“Why?”


Jeongguk stares at him confused and then a look of panic crosses his face and Beomgyu realizes he must have revealed something to him he’s not supposed to say.


“Why?” Beomgyu repeats and Jeongguk shakes his head. It takes a while for him to finally answer, “Well, we had to fix some things.”


“Things?” Beomgyu asks. Yeonjun hasn’t told him any problem they encountered with the turnover and when he came back from the hospital.


“Yeah…” Jeongguk pauses, “You really don’t have to think about this. Yeonjun-sshi and I already talked about this.”


As if on cue, Yeonjun walks in to find them talking. Beomgyu turns to him and is shocked at the questions burning in Beomgyu’s eyes, “Uh… what?”


“What happened in KTH Studio?” Beomgyu asks.


It’s too easy to read Yeonjun. Maybe he just lacks the ability to hide his feelings or maybe, Beomgyu really has just known him for a very long time that it’s terribly easy to read every bit of nuances in his face, “Oh, that.”


“That what?” Beomgyu demands more and Yeonjun sighs defeated, “Your mural.”


“What about it?”


“Someone vandalized it. We think it’s that guy.”


Beomgyu holds his breath. They have made a resolution never to mention that guy’s name ever again and despite the torture, he went through, he’s slowly removing the guy from his system.


Knowing he vandalized something he worked really hard on doesn’t feel him with fear, but anger.


How dare he?


He looks at Jeongguk who is studying him, “I can fix it, you don’t have to do that.” He says, “Yeonjun-sshi has already cleaned it and will repaint-”


“It’s not his mural.” Beomgyu says with finality. He doesn’t care what his current mental state is. His passion for painting murals had always saved him—this was something that guy would never take away from him. Not now. Not ever.


Yeonjun knows this as well if only based on the way he is chewing his lip in distress. He turns to Jeongguk who gives him an impassive glare.


Beomgyu waits until finally, he lets out a deep breath and says, “Fine. Let’s go to Seoul tonight.”


-----


~Taehyun-ssi, where are you? Your flight is in an hour!


[Missed Call from Sojung]


~Taehyun-ssi I was informed you’re still at home. Why?!



Taehyun lied in the interview.


He’s not on his way to a European trip for his winter break. He wants to… just to get away from every bit of bad memory here in Seoul, but he’s just not in the mood to leave or do anything at all.


So he stayed cooped up in his apartment, skipping the flight to Switzerland and probably being hated by Sojung who arranged for everything—his flight, his hotel, his itinerary. He can almost see her fuming, ranting endlessly at how reckless and selfish he is.


Maybe he is selfish. Or maybe, he’s just really, really not in the mood to deal with life right now.


His luggage of clothes and other things bound to China are already by the door, waiting to be picked up on Monday. He had packed almost all the things he refuses to let go. He should have not done that… creating a new life in China would have been the better option for him. Leave everything behind in Seoul and start anew. Maybe, he would even love it there, enough for him to not want to go back. China had always been a second home; it would be easy to make it his first.


Now he gets the beauty in running away.


~Taehyun-ssi, I’ll drop by there in a few minutes. I swear if I find you moping around… I’ll make sure you will have no days off when we get to China.


Somehow, that threat makes him move because Sojung had never threatened him in any way. They butt heads and he ignores her most of the time, but she had always tolerated him. Maybe she’s really mad at him now for ruining her holiday. Just in case, he does slip into warmer clothes—a white hoodie and an orange windbreaker, before he grabs his skateboard.

He thinks of somewhere to go… somewhere warm that is still open during the holiday. Somewhere warm and private. He considers going to Ikeda-san’s place, but he remembers the man telling him they’ll be in Japan for the holidays.


A lightbulb moment. KTH Studio.


It's just a few blocks away from his apartment. The place remained closed after the incident that happened. The last update he got was Yeonjun removing the gruesome red paint on the mural and scheduling a fix after the holiday is over. That place is empty and private. He can hide in there until Sojung decides he’s not worth hounding over.


He hesitates, knowing that Beomgyu's mural is there. It's probably the only thing connecting them now after he refused to contact Yeonjun again. He wanted so bad to drop by the hospital when he got back, but he's just afraid it would weaken his resolve.


Well, he can't run away from his studio forever. Unless he decides to totally remove that mural, Beomgyu will forever leave a mark with him. He makes a resolution to have the mural painted over before he leaves for China. But for now, maybe he could at least say goodbye to it, so with his skateboard in tow, he goes out of his apartment and heads over to KTH Studio.