IF I STAY

What hurts you most

Yeonjun is still reeling from the conversation he had with the suppliers of their chairs, again. They used Maplewood on the lobby stools and not cherrywood, like the rest of the chairs they had delivered earlier. He doesn’t understand how they could make that mistake but now they have to wait for four more days before they get the correct delivery.

He clicks his tongue in annoyance as he pulls out of the driveway to the way back to KTH. Before that, he sends a message to Beomgyu.

~Beomgyu, what do you have in mind for lunch?

Honestly, this man has probably mastered the skill of self-destruction to the point that’s its even impressive sometimes. Ten years since they first met, but really, almost half of them was spent with Beomgyu running away from Daegu and all the things that happened there.

Going out to your friends took a lot from him. He trusted this set of friends who he thought would accept him for who he was. He is a sunshine boy, had the sweetest smile and once, a professor called him a bright-eyed talented boy destined for greatness because, he’s a damn good artist. It’s probably that talent that caused his downfall. These so-called friends were jealous of him….and he, the trusting, kindest person ever didn’t know.

They outed him deliberately and knowingly in a university where homophobia is a norm.

The news hit their college like a bomb-the A list, technically perfect in every way student is not at all perfect. They ate it up right away and rumours spread.

He’s in a relationship with one professor that’s why he’s getting good grades.

He’s getting favours from a rich old benefactor.

Did you know why he left his hometown? Because his family disowned him.

To be fair, he did try to fight it…. how many times has he seen Beomgyu smile at an insult thrown at him, ignore the words, make it seem like everything’s alright. He tried to stay positive despite knowing his most trusted friends betrayed him. He lasted for at least another two months until the bullying became unbearable for him and he dropped out.

He packed up and left, without even saying goodbye. Yeonjun, who was just a spectator and wasn’t really a part of his tight group just watched him fade away from the lives of those people who tormented him. Truth be told, he doesn’t even think they knew what they did, how much suffering they caused.

It’s a joke. They would often say. Yeonjun thinks its unfair how life can be so cruel that way, how evil sometimes really win. You ruin a person’s life and you move on with yours, not really caring what happened to the person you destroyed. Sometimes, you don’t even know you’re the villain to one’s story.

He can’t say he chased after Beomgyu. It’s a cruel fate, he lived and Yeonjun contented himself with making the guy a cautionary tale-don’t trust people so much because if you do, they will find a way to hurt you. Besides, they were not really close…but he eventually met him again four years later, in Seoul where they are working in one advertising agency.

Yeonjun was glad to have met an old friend. Seoul is huge and a little bit of familiarity really did him well. He was also glad how Beomgyu was really happy. He wasn’t hiding who he is anymore and was finally able to show who he really is without judgement from everyone. For once, he had seen the smile back on his face-the same one he had the first time they had met.

Maybe, he thought…Beomgyu would finally be okay. But life is cruel and merciless. He learned how wrong he was soon enough.

He can still recall that night when the truth about Beomgyu hit him like a ton of bricks. He just got home from a night of drinking with his high school buddies when his sister asked him if he knew what happened to Beomgyu because they were supposed to meet for dinner to discuss some freelance commission work for her company but he never showed up, never picked up her call.

He knew then that something was different, so the next day he went to his apartment-or the place registered in the company’s directory and found Beomgyu…. or what looked like him. The apartment was in shambles-broken pieces of glass everywhere, papers and furniture’s scattered, and Beomgyu was in the bathtub, a bruised, bloodied mess.

Back then, he didn’t know what came over him-but he did remember the years he spent in college, just watching Beomgyu lose his smile. He remembered how the light disappeared from his eyes of Beomgyu who one of their professors referred to as the sunshine. Saw how that genuinely sweet smile eventually turned bitter, then fake, then gone at all. He saw it all. And yet he did nothing.

He recognized the guilt coming over him, the obsessive protectiveness he felt just looking at him.

Why did I not do anything? Why did I just stand by and watch?

Beomgyu had looked up at him with dead eyes and when he spoke, he knew the guy couldn’t recognize him at all, “Please just….no more.”

That day, he swore to himself that he will never let anyone hurt him anymore. That he will not let anyone take away that smile from his face, ever again.

There’s a phone call from Hueningkai. After three rings, the call automatically comes through and his truck’s Bluetooth speaker comes to life.

“What’s the problem?”

“I-Its Beomgyu hyung.”

2 years ago

TW: mention of rape, blood

The first thing Beomgyu notices from the man was his red tie. It’s the colour of coagulated blood and a glaring contrast from the crisp monochromatic black and white suit he is wearing. It was the same tie he was wearing when they first met and he later found out that it was his favourite.

There’s also a heavy perfume coming from him, a heavy mix of woody, musky scent which should have not really been unpleasant, but it makes Beomgyu’s head swirl. Same perfume as the first time they met.

Kim byung-hoon is a man of habits. He doesn’t like to do things differently and doesn’t change his mind easily. Two years with the guy and he should have known that. That’s what makes him a good company director. That’s what makes him a good boss.

His presence in his old apartment should not have been a surprise, considering who he is dealing with. In hindsight, Beomgyu should not have come here or at least should have changed the lock. But Beomgyu thought that this was different with the presence of one of his secretaries.

“What are you doing here?” where he got the courage to ask that, he doesn’t know. But he’s tired and hurt and angry as well. This guy dared to hurt him and act as they could go back to how they were before? How dare he?

Kim byung-hoon doesn’t answer and just kept looking at him with those dark eyes. Beomgyu wonders how the hell did he not see the man behind those eyes. Before, he could only see the gentleness, its playfulness….and he used to melt under those very eyes. But now, all he feels is fear when the guy so much as glances at him.

“I already left the keys to your apartment with your secretary.” He managed to say but Kim byung-hoon merely smirked.

The man starts to walk towards him and Beomgyu had to talk to himself not to fold into himself. He’s a few inches taller than Beomgyu, his built more muscular, and as always, he moves with definition, confident and powerful in every single movement like fixing his coat or straightening his tie. Beomgyu would have swooned like the other times, but this time the man’s presence only leaves him feeling dread.

“You can’t get rid of me that easily, pet.” The name chills him to the bones. He has to force himself not to submit to him easily. Muscle memory is a bitch and he finds himself struggling to stand straight and not kneel in front of him.

The man notices this and smirks, “You’re saying no but your body is saying yes.” He reaches out to him, and he wanted to pull away, but he is glued to his spot. A hand caresses his cheek and he closes his eyes when the other reaches for his lower back and pulls him closer.

“Don’t…...”, he manages to cry out before lips pressed on his own in a brutal kiss. Teeth biting at his lips to open up, forcing his tongue inside. Tears flowed freely from his eyes at the assault. He doesn’t want this—and yet he finds himself responding eagerly to the kisses.

“Stop….”, he moans when Kim byung-hoon goes down his neck, nipping and biting marks along the way. This is not what I want. Stop this. Stop this.

“STOP!” He screams, finding the strength to finally push the man away. Byung-hoon is staring at him, shocked and its quite interesting to watch because the guy is so used to getting what he wants and this is probably the first time someone stopped him. Beomgyu watches his face mould into an angry scowl, forehead curled and nose flaring.

He feels it before he sees it—a slap across his face and he is down on his knees on the floor. His cheek is burning and there’s the taste of blood in his mouth where his lip burst open. He clasps a hand on the burning cheek.

“You think you can get away from me!?” Byung-hoon’s voice boomed in the small space of his apartment. Beomgyu wonders if his neighbours would hear, they have thin walls anyway. Silently, he wishes they would call the police but would bet they’d stay inside their home listening and just talking behind their back. If he lives through all of this.

A hand grabbed his hair and dragged him up, “Hng….”, he groans as he gets pulled up and forced to look up at Byung-hoon’s wild eyes. He closes and eyes remembering all the hundred times the man did this to him. It should have been something he’s already used to with all the arguments they had before that lead to fighting and lead to bruises and wounds he has to hide the next day. He got good in hiding them eventually, wearing the right clothes, putting on makeup.

Byung-hoon jerks his head from side to side, causing another hiss of pain from him before he hears a violent whisper in his ear. “Did you forget? I own you! I fucking made you! Without me, you wouldn’t even be alive right now! You’d be rotting in the streets!”

He is right. Beomgyu thinks back the day they first met. A month after he dropped out of art school, he left Daegu and in Seoul with barely enough to survive. He used up all his remaining money from his previous scholarship to get a barely liveable small room in one of Seoul’s oldest apartment complexes and feed him to survive.

He met him at a café where he was working as a part time waiter. That day, some high school kids vandalized the wall outside and the owner, knowing he had an art background, asked him to fix it. The owner didn’t specify fix meant to repaint the entire wall. He, being an art major, painted an entire mural on it instead. The owner was furious, he didn’t want more drawings on his wall…he wanted them gone. 

Beomgyu was hearing an ear load from the owner when Byung-hoon came in the café to ask who painted the beautiful artwork outside. He later found out that the guy already saw him working outside and had been watching him as he worked.

He was like a knight in shining armour then only he was in a suit and came in a black car…but he offered Beomgyu a job and a scholarship in SNU, as long as he’ll work for the agency once he graduates.

“You think you’d survive without me?” he can feel his breath against his ear, could smell the alcohol in them. He was seething with anger—Beomgyu knows it too well when he’s mad, his voice goes deep and threatening and it always, always makes Beomgyu fall on his knees.

A hand grabbed his arm, dragging him across the floor roughly. “Stop! Stop!” He cried but it fell on deaf ears. His feet fail to keep him up and he falls on the floor. Even then, the man doesn’t stop, just continues to drag him along, never mind the scrapes and bruises he was getting from bumping against surfaces.

“You’re nothing but a street rat!” Byung-hoon screams. “You think you’re all that? What are you proud of? Everything you have…I gave it to you!”

They reach his room and in an instant, he gets thrown on the bed. He pushes himself up, attempting to get away but a weight pushed him down as Byung-hoon straddled him with his chest, putting his entire weight on Beomgyu.

He began kicking the man on top of him who retaliated by punching him twice on the face breaking his nose and blacking out his right eye. Beomgyu doesn’t even have the strength to scream.

“Byung-hoon…...stop….”, he cried in his hoarse voice as the man began striping away his clothes. He held onto them but that only roused the man’s anger and he punched his stomach, pushing out all the air in Beomgyu’s lungs. Beomgyu released a soundless cry at the pain as the guy flipped him over so he’s lying on his stomach.

“What’s wrong, pet? You used to like it when I get rough with you, don’t you? You even begged me to be harder on you. Don’t you like it? Isn’t this what turns you on?”

No……no…. he couldn’t breathe…. something soft ang gentle rounded up both his hands and he realized that he was binding him using his tie. “Let’s play a game, pet. It’s the one you like the most.”

Once satisfied, he was flipped over again and he was forced to see the dangerous glint on the man’s face. “Stop, please…”, he cries as Byung-hoon began stripping him out of his clothes.

“Stop? You were begging for me to take you the last time we did this. What happened, pet? Do you not want me anymore?” he was grinning at him and Beomgyu started shaking in fear as he watched Byung-hoon strip out of his clothes totally.

Naked and bound, Beomgyu desperately tried to kick the man off of him and he did with the last of his strength. He managed to hit the man’s stomach and though it didn’t really help, at least the man lost his balance for a while and Beomgyu was able to drag himself up and run from the bed. He was able to make it to the door of the room before he was being dragged back again by his neck and thrown down on the floor. His head hit the concrete hard and his vision began swimming.

Byung-hoon yanked on his restraints, pulling his arms up angrily, “Do you fucking think you can get away from me?!”

Beomgyu can barely make his face with the blurry vision, the blood now flowing from his head and the swelling of his eyes but he managed to blurt out a single “Why?”, why are you doing this? You were not like this before. He remembered how Byung-hoon protected him and gave him everything he needed asking for nothing but this time…his love. What happened? What happened to us?

Byung-hoon laughed at him before he put his hands around his neck, slamming him on the floor with a loud thud. Beomgyu chokes immediately, opening his mouth to gasp mouthfuls of air to no avail. “WHY!? Why!? You made me into this!” Byung-hoon grins into him maniacally before diving in and giving him a brutal kiss, taking away remaining of his breath. Byung-hoon bites on his lips until he can feel them burst open. “You’re too easy, Choi Beomgyu. I didn’t think I’d love being like this until I met you.”

He kicked Beomgyu’s legs apart before placing himself between them, he laced his hands against Beomgyu’s neck to stop any noise or breath coming out. A wordless scream fell from Beomgyu’s open mouth when he felt what was going on.

“You made me into this. You made me into a monster because it’s just too fucking easy for you. This is your fault. You bought this upon yourself…you good for nothing, fuck up.” And the hands around his neck tighten.

________

“Stop! Stop! STOP!”

He wakes up screaming and sees the shocked faces of Minhee staring at him. He frowns and looks around, confirming that Byung-hoon is not inside the room. Hands still shaking, he buries his head into them, willing the images of that night to go away.

“Beomgyu-hyung.” Minhee says and Beomgyu flinches at the sound of his name. He does look up and roam his eyes around the room properly this time. He’s in the hospital, he’s been here a lot of times that he already knows what the interior looks like.

“What happened?” he finally says, voice cracking as he strained his dry throat to get the words out.

“You blacked out, hyung.” Minhee says.

“What?” he doesn’t remember passing out. He does remember one thing and he visibly shudders.

“Are you cold?” Minhee asks, noticing and already walking to the heater to adjust the thermostat.

“Why did I….”

“Dehydration and over-fatigue.”

Its Yeonjun, who answers him. The guy just came in with a disappointed scowl, but he’s not looking at him. Instead he turns to Minhee, “You can go now. Thanks for staying with him.”

Minhee reluctantly leaves but not before he gives an anxious look at Beomgyu.

When they are alone, Beomgyu turns to Yeonjun who busied himself arranging some fruit and flowers on the table next to him, they’re probably from the juniors. “How long was I out?”

“Almost two days.” Yeonjun says coldly. He can sense a fit of lingering anger behind those words.

Beomgyu’s eyes widen at that, “That long!?” before he can further comment on it, Yeonjun doesn’t even bat an eyelash before he asks again, “How long since you’ve stopped taking your meds?” There is poison in his voice. An accusation Beomgyu wouldn’t dare deny.

“A month ago.”

“When you met that boy?”

“….”

“Hyung, it’s not because of….”

“Not because of him? You know what would happen if you stopped taking them! You, of all people know how destructive that is!” Yeonjun in a feat of anger grabs a flimsy of the hospital blanket and pulls it off revealing his legs underneath.

As well as the scars.

Beomgyu looks at them. It’s been a long time since he had seen this. Six months ago, he heard that Byung-hoon is back in Seoul and no amount of comfort can help him with the fear he felt. The idea of his carefully built up world-the one he had managed to scrounge up from the broken pieces of himself—crumbling into pieces again. He needed to find an outlet to release all his emotions without letting the fear swallow him whole and render him useless.

So, he cut himself. The pain was familiar and it was better than fear. It meant he was alive. He cut himself and relished the feeling. A fuck up. He has become what Byung-hoon has told him he really was.

When Yeonjun found him doing this, he went ballistic. He didn’t understand. It wasn’t like he was doing it just because he wanted to. It was an embarrassing way but it was the only way for him to release the fear slowly, so he will not burst open. it was to ground himself to reality-make him function like a normal human being.

That was when he knew he needed help. After a dozen consultations, he was diagnosed with PTSD. Finally, he had a name for it and a bottle with a label slapped on it to manage and eventually pull through.

Maybe it did help…. but what Beomgyu didn’t tell Yeonjun was the medication made him feel numb. It was okay before because feeling meant hurting and being afraid. He didn’t want any of that. So, he swallowed the pills and went on with his day barely living. but when he met Taehyun, he was so drawn to the boy and his energy that he wanted to be part of that. He wanted to feel again.

“You don’t understand.” Beomgyu says, covering himself up. He can’t bear to look at them—the scars he himself created six months ago. Calling them battle scars would have been romantic, but he knew exactly what they were. He was a fool. Always have been.

“Yes, you're right. I don’t understand.” Yeonjun says, the hopelessness in his voice so raw it hurts.

They stay like that, in silence…. waiting for the other to speak up. Beomgyu feels like crying. “I'm sorry.” 

“Sorry for what?” Yeonjun asks, not even trying to hide his sarcasm. “I'm not the one you're hurting. You are doing this to yourself and you're apologizing to me?”

“I just…”

“Don’t think of what others will feel?” Yeonjun asks and Beomgyu can’t totally deny it. “Who cares what I or the rest of the people around you will feel? It’s your life, Beomgyu. You and only you can decide how you want to live it. You can’t be a victim forever.”

He stares at Yeonjun, feeling the tears well up. Yeonjun, upon realizing what he said, just looks shocked and guilty. He had never lashed out on Beomgyu this way. He opens his mouth to take back what he just said, but before he could the door opens and the doctor comes in with the news that he can be discharged tomorrow if he promises to be a good boy and doesn’t overwork himself.

Yeonjun doesn’t say anything as the doctor talks through what happened to him. Beomgyu is barely listening, trying to hold his tears back. Finally, when the doctor finishes his lecture, he tells Yeonjun that visiting hours are over and he has to leave soon. Yeonjun agrees with him and follows him out the door, with a promise of coming back to pick Beomgyu up tomorrow.

Beomgyu cries when he's alone.

____

“You can pretend to at least like it, you know?” Kim Sojung is not even looking at him and just continues writing down notes on her small leather notebook.

He's not even listening, just continues browsing on his phone. checking his feed for any interesting update back in Seoul. There are tons of messages from his fans and comments from the photos posted in his account (which is Sojung’s doing. He is rarely allowed to post on his accounts anymore.) there are also a couple of messages from his sunbaes who are already at a bar where he is headed.

He had to go to a meeting for an endorsement deal for a sports drink brand together with another female Chinese celebrity, Liu Yifei. It’s part of his solo projects before their comeback. The press had wanted for them to pose together, make cute hand gestures which he adamantly refused, choosing instead to give his usual cheeky grin. It didn’t matter because the press ate them up, calling them eye candies or something like that.

“Taehyun-sshi.” Sojung calls again and shakes her head when Taehyun merely blinks at her. “Are you even listening?”

“Yeah, you told me to pretend to like acting being cute and I don’t.”

“Like acting being cute? I think we've already established that.”

“Pretending.” He corrects, still looking at his phone.

Sojung shakes her head, “You’ve been on edge ever since we got here, not to mention you're always on your phone and acting weird.” She hums.

“Whatever do you mean by that?” he asks and she says, “Nothing.” Before turning back to her notebook. She starts rambling about how this partnership with Liu Yifei would actually do his career good because she’s a pretty established actress in China. And if this goes well, they're looking at a potential love team with her which would then be a breakthrough for him in the Chinese industry…. but Taehyun isn’t listening anymore.

He picks up his headphones and snaps them on, to show his disinterest. He doesn’t turn the music on, something he always does to keep people away from him. Honestly, he doesn’t see the point of logging in his social media accounts. Sojung manages his Naver account and he really has no one to talk to in KakaoTalk (of course he won’t say that openly or his sunbaes would whine about how he’s growing to be an awful, disrespectful maknae.)

It has been almost a week since that day when Beomgyu made it clear to him that he wants nothing to do with him. Honestly, he was disappointed but it was also kind of expected. Getting hounded in the airports by rabid paparazzi, having his life always under scrutiny by the press, all of those are part of his life, something he willingly accepted and he’s not surprised Beomgyu doesn’t want any of it.

It’s not meant for everybody—and he had been training for it since he was fourteen. Since then, he has been taught how to school his emotions; act based on a script provided by his manager but to always keep it natural; do what needs to be done without questions or complaints; do it by the book, follow the rules…..all these things he had learnt by heart. His fans, his endorsements—they all have expectations from him and he can never disappoint.

Still, there are moments where he lets the true him slip out of his cracks. A few interviews he had been so candid with his responses they come out cold and sometimes, downright mean. He gets away with it now, because he has established himself and he is Kang Taehyun.

But he has to live with that label—the cold, uncaring celebrity who runs away from affection, refuses to talk but when he does, he usually just speaks his mind no matter how tactless they sound. Even then, they formed an image of him in their heads and lumped them in one category. As if that defines who he is.

Beomgyu is different. He didn’t know who he is—how this happened, he can’t really be sure especially because he’s in every corner of Seoul. But that’s part of his charm. It’s a breath of fresh air, talking to someone who has no idea of his other life and doesn’t treat him like a commodity. For once, after a long time, Taehyun felt comfortable in his own skin whenever he talks to Beomgyu.

It’s a bonus that he's also incredibly beautiful. Beomgyu is just so clueless and unaware of how handsome he really is. Taehyun often wonders how Beomgyu is not a celebrity himself. He is effortlessly fashionable, the camera loves his face and, he has the sweetest smile ever and the first time Taehyun saw it in a photograph, he felt his heart stutter.

He didn’t know he’d be attracted to the same sex until he met Beomgyu. To be fair, he never really thought he’d be attracted to anyone ever. But he had never wanted to see someone that bad until Beomgyu sent him that photograph. He wanted to see him as soon as possible, just to be sure its not a scam…. because surely, someone that good looking cant be unpopular. Granted, he’s a bit awkward, a little bit insecure, but he’s incredibly talented.

Beomgyu is everything Taehyun is not. He’s so naturally himself, soft spoken, selfless to a fault and his patience with Taehyun’s antics is unheard of (even his sunbaes and his manager can’t keep up with him sometimes). He thought he could keep it to himself…. keep Beomgyu to himself and away from this world. If only he could continue to hide who he is, remain friends with him, he would have.

It is his fault, anyway. If only he admitted the truth to him since the beginning. If only didn’t he kiss him and scare him off by selfishly forcing his feelings on him. Maybe, they could’ve remained friends and he could’ve continued pining for him.

He shifts in his seat and sighs, getting annoyed at himself. Sojung notices, “Are you okay, Taehyun-sshi?”

“Will you do something if I say no?”

Sojung blinks at him. By then, she’s already used to his bad moods so she just shrugs and continues to check her notebook, begins dictating the schedule for the last leg of their China trip. If his memory serves him right, he still has another week to complete. He tunes her out again, this time turning on the music loud so he won’t hear her.

He closes his eyes, luckily with the traffic, he’d be out like a lightbulb once they reach the club.
____

He wakes up from his phone vibrating in his pocket and Sojung shaking him up awake, “Taehyun-sshi, we’re almost there.”

The woman is giving him a mirror to check his hair and makeup. He huffs in annoyance but takes it anyway. Appearances are an integral part of his career. He has to remind himself as he fixes his hair again. Sojung told him yesterday that they need to style his hair before they go back to Seoul. He had the choice to perm it or have it coloured to platinum blue and of course, he chose the latter.

“Are you ready?” Sojung asks him as their car pulls over the club where lots of fans and media are already crowding the car. Taehyun looks at his reflection. He looks different today—a new look his stylist chose which gives his skin an unnatural glow under the lights but at least, he’s not wearing eyeshadow today. He hates wearing makeup, but its part of the job. He nods at Sojung who grabs the handle of the car door when his phone started ringing.

He looks down the moment the door opens and he’s blinded by the flashing lights of the camera that he fails to see who’s calling.

[Incoming call from Beomgyu hyung….]