IF I STAY

Once upon a time in Korea pt.1

“Are you sure you brought enough?” Jeon Suyeon asks probably for the fourth time already. Beomgyu smiles and shows him the pack of her special oolong tea blend packed neatly in the purple velvet pouch the size of his arm, “Yes. This is worth at least two months.” He shakes it a bit as if to prove it.


The old woman gives him her signature smile—wrinkled, beautiful and picturesque. It sits perfectly her small face, a cloud of wispy white hair around her shoulders. Beomgyu thinks he should have gone through with the idea of taking a photo of her and including it in the collage on
the wall of Haedabang, but he remembers how she’s adamantly against the idea. They come here for my tea, not me. Beomgyu doubts it. She’s such a pleasant lady she needs to take more credit.


“This place will be empty without you, Beomgyu-ah.” She says wiping unshed tears as she looks him up and down. Beomgyu breathes harshly through his nose to stop himself from tearing up, “I’ll only be gone for a few months.” He says which is true. The art program will only run for two years and he’ll be back before they know even know it. Jeon Suyeon purses her lips and then she shakes her head, “I’m old, Gyu-ah… I might not be around when you— “


He clicks his tongue in annoyance and stops sorting through the tea leaves she had harvested that morning, “I told you to stop talking like that.” He sends a glare her way and she only laughs which in turn makes Beomgyu laugh as well, “Stop teasing me.”


He will miss the old lady. For the past year and a half, she had made Ansan feel like home to him and to his staffs. Deciding to move their design agency to Ansan was probably the best decision they had ever made. Not only did it bring forth reprieve from the daily hustle of the city, but it also brought in a different kind of clients. Clients like Haedabang, small businesses that need tremendous help with their branding and their overall look. The business is not as big as their previous Seoul clients and more often than not, requires more effort from the team, but they had never been more inspired to work on projects that actually change people’s lives.


“Besides, the staffs will keep you company.” As if on cue, Hueningkai comes in, his flight bag in tow, “Beomgyu hyung, I already loaded the car. We can leave right away.”


“Are you that eager to get rid of me?” Beomgyu leers at the boy and he blushes immediately, “Of course not! I’m not— “too late to see Beomgyu is only teasing and he gives a petulant pout.


Beomgyu rubs his head like he would if he had a younger brother, when another of his staffs come in. Soobin nods at him, as formal as ever, “Have a safe flight, Beomgyu.”


“You’ll take care of him, won’t you?” It’s not a question really… more of a confirmation. The boy who’s the most eloquent of all the staffs nods at him, “Of course.”


He grins pulling Hueningkai to him, “Whip this one to shape.”  


Hueningkai struggles in his hold but he ruffled his hair again fondly. In truth, the past year had proven how talented and reliable his staffs really are. As a team, they really are quite a force to be reckoned with and Soobin really has the makings of a leader, sometimes even more than Beomgyu. He has no doubt the agency will be in good hands in his absence.


He gives one last goodbye to Jeon Suyeon, scanning the café again, appreciating the place which had been an extension not only of his office—this is usually where he meets his clients, but also his home. He will miss this place terribly, the aroma of tea constantly brewing, the smell of freshly baked bread. He knows he will find it in other places… but it won’t be the same as it is here.


It had been almost two years now since they finished the job here in Haedabang but it still almost feels like it’s yesterday. Everything still looks brand new, thanks to Jeon Suyeon’s incessant need to keep everything in tiptop shape. No paint has peeled off, no photograph has faded and the varnish on the wood is still shiny as if they were just processed yesterday. He breathes in this sight one last time before he heads to the waiting car.


He finds his psychologist who had become a good friend, Namjoon waiting for him, wearing a blue checkered blazer over a white turtleneck and casual denim jeans. It doesn’t matter how many times he has seen him in casual clothes… he always finds it unnerving to not see him in his doctor's clothes. He probably owes his life and sanity to this fresh-faced boy who looks way younger than his real age. Despite his looks, he’s one of the people who pulled Beomgyu through his darkest moments. He made him deal with his demons one step at a time, telling him life is almost like dancing… you do it by the numbers but you let the music speak to you. He has a suspicion he only said that because he secretly loves dancing.


Regardless, he is one of the people who convinced him to take this scholarship saying a change of scenery would do him good. Only if Beomgyu promises to take his meds and would call at least twice a month for a video call consultation, free of charge. He didn’t know such a thing existed but he shrugged and agreed with it. As long as it’s free.


He is smiling at Beomgyu, his huge dimples showing. He is bearing a gift wrapped in yellow paper—it’s probably a hardbound self-help book. He takes it gratefully and gives the smaller man a tight embrace. He feels anxiety build up inside him as it all seems real now. Next to Yeonjun,
Namjoon is probably the next person he trusts whole-heartedly.


“You’ll be fine,” Namjoon says… trust him to read through his tight embrace and the reluctance to let go.


It still takes a few more soothing pats on the back before he lets go. “You won’t be alone in Korea anyway.” He says and Beomgyu’s smile is back as he remembers, “Yeah, I won’t be.”


He’s right. Yeonjun will be there and has been living in Seoul for a year now. Though they have lived separate lives since then and had developed different priorities, one thing remains and that’s Yeonjun will always be there for him. That should ease his mind.


They say their farewells then Beomgyu climbs into the driver’s seat of Yeonjun’s pickup. He learned how to drive a year ago and it was a skill he had learned to love over time simply because of the freedom it brings. Hueningkai gets in on the passenger's seat because he’s the one who will bring the truck back to Ansan.


He keeps glancing at the people and at Haedabang through the rear-view mirror as he drives away. He keeps thinking about how everything is perfect right now and that two years might indeed be a long time and when he comes back, things would never be the same again. He feels the onset of a rising anxiety attack and he grips hard on the steering wheel and works to breathe through it, just how he and Namjoon practiced.


It’s for the better. He can hear the man’s melodic voice in his head. You can’t keep living in your comfort zone just because it’s safer. Putting yourself out there is always a good choice.


Hueningkai, ever the oblivious one doesn’t seem to know what is happening to him and continues humming to himself. When he calms down, he drives normally again.


“How many years will it take again?”


“Two years.” He says keeping his eyes on the road. At least driving gives him something to focus on.


“And it’s all-expense-paid kind of thing?”


“Yeah, something like that… well, the accommodation is already paid but I have a sponsor who will support me with an allowance.”


Hueningkai wolf whistles, “I wish I could also join the program.”


Beomgyu chuckles, “I wish I could tell you how. I didn’t even know how I qualified until I got the call two weeks ago and the official letter last week.”


Hueningkai nods and hums a non-committal sound, “I guess I’m not as talented as you are.”


“Don’t be ridiculous. You’re talented enough.” He says slowing down to make a right turn. Thankfully, traffic isn’t that bad today, thank God he chose an early Sunday morning. “Besides they just mentioned something about seeing a mural I painted.”


“Which mural though?”


“Beats me. They didn’t mention it. But it could be anything.” Beomgyu remembers the phone call he received two weeks ago. It came from Seoul University and he almost didn’t believe it.


“Congratulations, your application has been reviewed and we’re happy to invite you to join our advanced art program.” The voice was a woman and she has perfect English, “This program will run for two years but don’t worry. The university will provide you with free plane tickets to and from Ansan and the accommodation.”


The woman continues rambling on and all Beomgyu can think of is he doesn’t even remember he’s applying for anything. Maybe this is a scam. Eventually the call ends but not before the woman asks him to jot down a number he could call to confirm his flight details and another number for other details.