IF I STAY

Of Fallacies And Goodbyes

Beomgyu got an unexpected visitor the next day. He didn’t know how he knew or why he even bothered, but Jeon Jeongguk came into his room, bringing forth a bouquet of fresh flowers.

Soobin stayed with him that day and he looked mesmerized by the tall, handsome guy visiting his senior. “Beomgyu-sshi”, Jeongguk greets him with a smile, handing the flowers to Soobin who took them from him. “Pardon my intrusion but the secretary of the studio told me what happened and I wanted to make sure you're okay.”

Beomgyu smiles, “That’s so kind of you Jeongguk hyung but you really didn’t have to do this.” It’s a bit weird, really. He wonders how many employees or people under this man does he randomly visit to check on their health.

“Someone begs to disagree.” Jeongguk says in barely a whisper.

“Sorry, what?”

“Nothing”, Jeongguk smiles, shaking his head and eyeing Beomgyu carefully, “So what happened?”

“Overfatigue and dehydration, sir.” Soobin supplies, seeing the reluctance in Beomgyu’s face. Jeongguk looks shocked but he does give an understanding nod, “An artist’s sickness, I see. You remind me of someone I know.”

“What do you mean, Jeongguk hyung?”

“Lets just say this happened to my brother too.” Jeongguk doesn’t answer and just looks around the room, like he's surveying it.

“Ah…. right.” Beomgyu nods, remembering the half brother he mentioned before. Still doesn’t explain why he's here. Jeongguk notices his apprehension and gives him a gentle smile, “Yeonjun-sshi and I are talking last night and he wanted to show me the samples for the wood options we can use for the wood panelled walls. I told him we can do it here since I still want to hear your opinion.”

It makes sense, then. Beomgyu thinks because he's still an expert on woodwork and metalwork in their team.

Yeonjun arrives a little later, bringing blocks of wood to show Jeongguk who is eagerly listening to the pros and cons of using each of them. In the end he listens to what Yeonjun is suggesting and makes his choice of using Pau Amarello’s, hoping that the yellow hue will give the teahouse a bright, cheerful atmosphere.

After this, Jeongguk takes his leave, assuring Beomgyu that they still have the project despite the delay in the final design. He wishes Beomgyu better health the next time they meet before walking out of the hospital room.

Soobin leaves as well, after instructions from Yeonjun about sending the client’s choice to the supplier.

“We’re almost at eighty percent completion with KTH studio”, Yeonjun says. “The metal logo was delivered yesterday so installation is taking place as we speak. The stools and rest of the furniture will arrive tomorrow so you doing have to worry about anything.”

“Yeonjun hyung.” Beomgyu can still feel the tension between them and he hates it. He needs to clear the air once and for all. Yeonjun looks at him with an uneasy look and the words refused to come out of him. He's such a good friend…...he cant lie to him again. He cant promise he will take care of himself better because honestly, he sucks at it.

But he can at least tell him what happened.

“He found me.” He says softly and Yeonjun’s face falls. “What- “

Beomgyu reaches to grab both of Yeonjun’s hands, “He sent me the tie. The one which he always used on me, the one he bound me with. Hyung, he's sending me a message. He knows where I am and he will get me. He always will.”

Yeonjun is just looking at his hands from where he is holding him, eyes clouded as he clings to him vigorously. When Yeonjun finally looks at him, there's confusion and underlying anger underneath.

“He wont. I’ll make sure of it.”

___

He got discharged the next day but was still out of commission for at least two more days after that. During those days, he and Yeonjun had drew a plan to take him out of Seoul.

The first thing they did was to drop him out of the KTH Studio project. This really didn’t sit well with him because the project meant a lot to him and not seeing it until the end is a small heartbreak he had to take. He understands full well if he continues to work in that space—its dangerous not only to himself but to everyone in the studio.

They agree that the project in Ansan-si would be a great opportunity for Beomgyu to leave Seoul temporarily. He can look for an apartment there and be within reach should anything come up. Of course, he couldn’t go alone and Yeonjun couldn’t really just leave KTH Studio just the same so one staff, Hueningkai volunteered to go with him under the guide of assisting him with the project.

Explaining to the staffs about the sudden change was not easy, especially to Soobin who witnessed first hand Beomgyu’s panic attack. He is very insightful but luckily for him, he's not a blabbermouth and mostly keeps his opinions to himself.

It takes another week for them to arrange everything, to empty out Beomgyu’s current apartment, find an apartment in Ansan-si, and to pack and ship out their things, just the essentials anyway because the rest of Beomgyu’s things had to be kept in a storage. Their timeline considered it will take another three months for them to finish the project and Beomgyu hopes that’s enough time to remove Byung-hoon from his trail. He hopes its enough time for him to restabilize his life.

“Here.”

Beomgyu looks up at the can of coffee Yeonjun is offering. He accepts it with a small thanks. “Hueningkai?” he asks and Yeonjun gestures the other end of the bar where the kid is ordering another plate of noodles.

They're already on their way to Ansan-si where Hueningkai complained about being hungry. So they had to do a quick stopover at the first food stall they saw. Turns out it was a ramen stall sitting on the side of the streets.

Beomgyu smirks amused at how the kid can eat so much and gain a little weight. Yeonjun shakes his head, “I don’t know why you let him come here. Soobin would have been a better option.”

Beomgyu would’ve agreed if he didn’t know Hueningkai would do anything just to remove himself from Yeonjun’s radar. “You give him too little credit. He's not half as bad.”

“You just like him because he treats you like god incarnate.”

He burst out laughing but didn’t totally deny it. He shrugs, “Not my problem. I’m more likeable than you.”

“Huh.” Is what Yeonjun only says but he also doesn’t deny it. They sit in silence, with only sound of the television between them. Both he and Yeonjun are done eating. He didn’t finish the bowl, somehow his ramen standards have gone way up.

After a while, Yeonjun hands him an envelope.

“What's this?” Beomgyu asks.

“Your new number. I took the liberty to apply for a new one just to be safe.”

He stares at the white envelope like it offended him. But he takes it anyway. “Ah…...” he nods, clutching it between his fingers tightly.

He had agreed to do this, didn’t he? He was part of the planning; he even chose the apartment they're going to live in! so why? Why does he think he's running away again?

He pushes the thought away as Hueningkai sits down beside him with a fresh bowl of ramen, looking satisfied.

“How can you eat so much and gain so little weight?” Yeonjun asks and Hueningkai grins. “I’m a growing boy. I need to eat for muscles.”

“You do know you're just loading up on carbs, right?”

“Yeah, so?”

Yeonjun shakes his head. “You're hopeless, kid.”

Beomgyu looks a the two of them fondly. He's about to join their banters when something on the television catches his attention.

“Our guest for today is a group of talented young men who just got back from China for their comeback single! Lets all welcome…..Tomorrow by Together!”

Beomgyu turns abruptly to the television, trying to make sense of the blurry images on the screen as the members say their greetings.

Hello. I’m Kang Taehyun, the second youngest of the group. I'm excited to meet everyone today.

The mere sound of his voice is enough to send a thunderstorm inside him. With the recent events, he has failed to check on what’s happening to him. Kang Taehyun is back from China. He misses losing sleep for their late night conversations. He misses listening to his endless rants. He just misses him terribly and he wonders if he does, too.

A small hopeful voice inside his head tells him to try to send him a message. But he shuts it out immediately.

“Today, they will tell us about their exciting trip in China and perform their new single for us.”

The male host sounds too excited, too eager it almost seems fake. Beomgyu wonders if he knows just how much passion it involved to release a single song. He thinks about the nights when Taehyun is being a kid and ranting innecesarily about the long day he had and yet still up next morning, ready to go.

“Also their second maknae has some news for us.” The female host adds and Beomgyu involuntarily perks up in attention.

“Oh yes. Yes. I heard about that so we’ll have a one on one session with him later, wont we? To answer some juicy questions from the fans.”

There's a split second, a fleeting moment when Beomgyu is looking, that the image in the television becomes clear and its like a moment of divine intervention or cruel joke of fate because it comes at the exact time when the camera pans to Taehyun’s smiling face and a wave of nostalgia fills him.

He looks different—what with that platinum blue hair that complements the greyish eyeshadow on the corner of his eyes giving them a deep-set look. But his smile is the same—albeit a bit tired, probably from all the travelling, but it has the same boyish charm and glow.

He misses him. He misses to listening his his day went and his endless complaints. He misses the selfies he used to send and the way he gives him updates every now and then, even if Beomgyu doesn’t reply. He misses him calling him Hyungie over and over again until he pretends to get annoyed. He misses getting hundreds of notifications on his phone from the guy. He misses the way Taehyun reveals himself bit by bit over their conversations. He misses him. Misses his persistent, stubborn, clingy presence that is constantly there.

“Hyung, are you okay?” Hueningkai asks beside him and he realizes what he's doing. He looks down at his hand and sees the envelope crumpled in his closed fists. Yeonjun is watching him curiously, an obvious question on his face. He shakes his head, “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I think we have to go.”

He opens the envelope when he rides the pickup, replacing his number and letting go of the final connection he had with Taehyun.
___

“We’ll do the solo interview next.”

The floor director gestures at the makeup artist to attend Taehyun who immediately rushes to the stage with her assistant to fix whatever they see needs fixing, a wisp of hair gone out of place, a drop of sweat—all that. They should not miss anything because as always, Taehyun needs to look perfect for the cameras.

They just finished performing their comeback single and despite the air conditioner blasting freezing air to the studio, all the members of TXT are sweaty from all the dancing. The rest of the members, however were already whisked off to the backstage to prepare for the fan meet prepared outside of the studio and only Taehyun who is still scheduled for the solo interview is still standing on the stage with the hosts.

There's a flurry of activities beside him—production crew clearing the stages, pushing chairs and rearranging the set so they could prepare for the interview segment; TXT’s fan club are sitting on the studio benches right in front of him—some girls waving at him and squeals in delight when he as much as throws them a cheeky grin.

Sojung nods in approval at the corner of his eyes before she comes up to him to give him some cue cards, “Here are the questions they will ask and I also wrote the answers you will say.” She says pointed at the highlighted text on the sheet of paper next to the questions. They are in larger letters and printed in bold just in case he gets confused.

“Remember Taehyun-sshi, this is a live recording so it is very important for you to stick to the script.”

She adds before the hair stylist is asking her to move to the side so she could brush his hair up.

Taehyun hums non-committedly, knowing interviews, how much he hates it, is part of the job. Live interviews are even worse because there's no room for errors. The director cant just say cut and repeat the interview all over again or at least edit it. Whatever he says, he knows he will be out there before they can ever do anything to fix it. Honestly, he doesn’t understand why his management still allows him to do this. They know how rebellious he can get sometimes.

As least the hosts of this show are pleasant and fun to talk with, hopefully that is enough to keep the conversation casual. The floor director signals them to get ready as they’ll start the broadcast soon. One of the hosts, gestures for Taehyun to stand in the middle and he does so, watching the floor director count using his fingers.

Three, two, one, Action!

“Welcome back everyone! You just saw TXT’s comeback single, Can’t you see me. What can you guys say about it?” the host asks and the rest of the hosts talk one by one, singing praises for the song. Taehyun doesn’t really listen to them and just plasters on a smile so it would look good on the cameras. Sometimes, one of the hosts ask what he thinks but its mostly just answerable by yes or no. he always chooses to answer yes so he wont have to explain.

They talk about his recent endorsement deal with a sports drink company and the partnership he has with Liu Yifei. They ask how it is working with her for a commercial and he diligently says what's on the script. She’s very beautiful and very kind. I cant wait to work with her again.

Its actually quite amazing how they can hold a conversation with him. Taehyun has always been known as the man of few words which is euphemism for a conversation killer. But the program meant for the interview is short anyway. Just the host asking him about his present and future projects and a portion where two fans from the audience will be called to ask him a question each. Both fans were given the questions they needed to ask him and he already has the answers to each of them.

So when the time came from one fan who would supposedly ask him if there are any upcoming TV series he's planning to do in the future, he got surprised when the said girl decides to ask instead, “You always joke that you cant love anyone, is it still true today? Have you really not fallen in love with anyone?”

The silence in the entire studio is indicative of the shock that has fallen on everyone. Taehyun is looking at the cheeky grin on the girl’s face and he finds how he can relate to it so much. She’s a rebel, just like me. He likes that—but the rest of the people in the studio, didn’t. especially not his manager. He sees the floor director gesture at the hosts to say something or just make start a recovery, probably to brush off the question as something too personal and proceed to the next girl waiting to ask the question.

The main host did the prior, telling the girl its too personal of a question and for sure Taehyun wouldn’t want to share something that intimate. Taehyun doesn’t even get to respond back before they are moving on to the actual question the girl should’ve asked.

He answers the question robotically, having already memorized the script. But his mind left on that question—have you really not fallen in love with anyone?

It pulls an image out of the depths of his brain…..wide, bright eyes, a smile that is too sweet it should be deemed illegal. The question sticks to him even after the show, for thanking the host for a great show despite the hiccups; backstage in his dressing room as he waits with the other members of TXT to be called to the fan meeting.

He sinks into one of the dressing room chairs and stares blankly at himself. He looks different with platinum blue hair and he wonders what Beomgyu would say on his new look. Taehyunnie always looks good. That’s what he always says and he believes him easily. Its easy to, Beomgyu never needs to say the right words to please people…he just does it anyway because that’s who he is.

The last time he got some news from him was, after he so much as begged Jeon Jeongguk to drop by the hospital to make sure everything’s okay with him. His brother was amused but did it for him anyway. He didn’t want to admit it to his brother, but he felt so much relief when he found out he's okay. He realised that no matter how hard he tries, he can never get Beomgyu out of his system that easily.

He misses him. His patient, constant presence anchors Taehyun to the ground. He misses how much he can be himself and not be afraid to be judged. He misses talking to him in the late hours of the night, both of them barely awake but refusing to cut the call short. He didn’t tell Beomgyu but, there are many times he had fallen asleep before Taehyun and he doesn’t cut the call right away, and he just listens to that soft breathing on the other side of the line until he falls asleep too.

Have you really not fallen in love?
__

“I’ll have the team deliver the rest of your stuff tomorrow, Taehyun-sshi.” Sojung tells him as he steps out of the car and onto the pavement in front of his upscale apartment right in the heart of Seoul.

The fan meeting went on as normal, despite Taehyun feeling cold and distant. Thankfully, his fans are already used to his personality and actually likes how aloof he gets so they didn’t see anything wrong in how he was acting. He does manage to sneak in a few smiles here and there, every time he sees Sojung gesturing him to do so.

It’s a pretty tamed crowd compared to the other fan meets he went to, but it still drained him of energy and he just can’t wait to go back home to his apartment. None of the members had the chance to go home ever since they got back from China two days ago. They still had some engagements to go to as a group and its just logically better to have them in one place.

Taehyun doesn’t really complain, considering the hotels they stayed in are usually complete with amenities and comfort…. but still, living from hotel to hotel can get tiring at times. So, when he sees the familiar space of his home, he can’t help but feel an easy familiarity.

His apartment is a typical bachelor’s pad with its white and black design features. It’s a studio apartment which he expanded into a loft just to give him more space to store his stuff. The loft area is where his bed is, and he still thinks its just a stupid idea because its so fucking hard to crawl up the stupid stairs when you're dying of sleep.

He took a well-deserved shower and grabbed a well-deserved beer when he heard his phone ring. He tries to ignore it, but it rings again. Sighing, he picks it up and sees its coming from his other manager.

“Oh, Taehyun-sshi! I finally got through you!”

Its Kim Taehyung—technically Jeon Jeongguk’s assistant, but currently also working for him for the KTH Studio. He had been too busy during the China trip that he had to take over the entire process and just reported the status to him.

Just like the usual times, and unlike Sojung, Kim Taehyung is a man who gets straight to the point. He starts his status report immediately, rambling on about some details about the upcoming turnover of the project and the event he's planning to do to launch the studio. Taehyun listens to this man half-heartedly, knowing he’ll eventually send him an email detailing their conversation and he could just look at it tomorrow when he has some decent sleep and his brain still working.

In between his chatter, some detail caught his attention. Yeonjun is now the lead designer for this project because Beomgyu had dropped out. He stops his rambles and confirms this.

“Yes, I don’t know the full details yet but I’m no longer coordinating with Beomgyu-sshi for the project.” He hums, “Is there a problem, Taehyun-ah?”

Taehyun doesn’t answer as he continues on with his one-sided conversation. Taehyun’s mind is racing…. did Beomgyu also find out he's the owner of KTH Studio? Sure, they were not so vague with naming the studio after him, but it could have been anyone. Besides, they kept the project under wraps for a few months now.

“When did he drop out?”

Kim Taehyung sounds confused when he says, “I don’t know exactly, but the last thing he did for us is the logo which I showed you. He wasn’t there when it was installed, too. Anyway, it must be a conflict with his health. He had been sickly during those days.” He pauses, “Why do you ask?”

“Nothing.” He says and lets him finish. His mind, however, is running. He wants to know what really happened. He has this lingering suspicion that Beomgyu did this because of him. Is that really necessary? He knows they didn’t end the conversation they had back then in good terms, but its not that bad either. Come to think of it, if he played his cards right, he could even be friends with him.

When they finish the call, Taehyun is in a mess. His head is spinning of the hundreds of possibilities that pushed Beomgyu to do that but could only zero in on one. Still, he wants to talk to Beomgyu and ask him what happened, make sure he's okay…. but he also thinks he wants to do it not for the other guy but for himself. He just misses him. Selfishly so. Its been almost a month of radio silence, would it be that difficult for Beomgyu to talk to him again?

Have you ever fallen in love with someone? The question rings in his head again. No, he has never fallen in love…. not yet, at least.

He picks up his phone again and dials Beomgyu’s number.

[The number you are calling is out of service. Please check the number and try again.]

Taehyun feels his heart snapping in two as he continues to listen to that cheery operator’s voice. Did he ditch his number? When did that even happen?

He shakes his head, unwilling to change his resolve—he's already taken the first step, so why back out now? Even when a voice in his head, probably the logical part of his brain is telling him to stop, to let it go and just move on. Beomgyu definitely did. It’s the most logical thing to do—but he's not really known to make logical decisions in his life.

Which is why he found himself on his motorcycle, thirty minutes later on his way to Beomgyu’s apartment. It has been over a month and even then, it amazes him how he remembers the way to a place he has only set foot once, but he finds himself standing just outside of Beomgyu’s apartment complex.

It should have been easy to know if he's home if Beomgyu’s window is facing the street, but it doesn’t so he has no choice but to enter the complex and head straight to the apartment. His heart is beating so fast, whether from the adrenaline rush of riding the motorcycle or the anxiety of seeing Beomgyu again after a long time…. he doesn’t know and he doesn’t have time to think it through.

When he reaches Beomgyu’s place, something feels amiss. For one—the door is slightly ajar and there is no light coming from inside. What could’ve happened? Panic rises in his chest and he slowly pushes the door open and finds the apartment completely empty.

Is he at the wrong apartment? He goes out the door to check the number again and it’s the correct one. He tries to flick the light switch on and it doesn’t open.

It takes a few moments before everything clicks in his head. He thinks about himself, standing in the dark of an empty apartment—its almost like the scene is cut out of a movie and he's only acting out his part of the script. Its all tragically cinematic, its almost unreal.

Taehyun doesn’t cry on command. He usually musters up all his past insecurities and struggles for him to be able to do a very emotional scene. It takes a while for him to reach that state…. when his emotions are flooding out and he can’t control his emotions. Its something he and the rest of the crew, including the directors are aware of. But right there, in between the empty apartment and a broken heart, Taehyun realizes how easy it is to cry in the dark.