IF I STAY

The First Snow Of Winter Brings Forth A Storm

It is a very long week so to say, for Beomgyu and Yeonjun especially. Their team had finished installing the wooden slats on the floor and the wooden panelled wall at the back.

Even Beomgyu had managed to paint the two murals on the other walls and they are only waiting for the installation of the glass windows that build up the majority of the storefront and the door at the back. Speaking of which, it has been another week since that incident at the mall and Beomgyu hasn’t even told Yeonjun about it.

Its unnecessary, he thinks. Because of the last interaction they had, it seems Taehyun also doesn’t want anything to do with him. Which is by the way totally expected considering how he dealt with him before.

Still, he’d be lying if it didn’t pinch at his heart even for a bit. There's a little hurt inside that he continues to ignore since its unwarranted. In the first place, the only one who wanted to have some space was him.

Instead of sulking, however, he poured all his frustrations into work…and worked harder than he ever did in his life. Yeonjun is worried about him, so the guy made sure that despite this, he is still eating his meals and getting enough rest. Being in one household with everybody else kind of helps.

Yeonjun also wants to make sure everyone stays sane from the stress of work which is why Beomgyu and the rest of the staffs found themselves in a hotpot place on a Friday evening to unwind.

The staffs are still eating but Beomgyu has already finished and was just drinking his peach flavoured soju when Yeonjun sits down beside him. The other guy had been drinking since the beginning of dinner and Beomgyu can see he is totally plastered.

Drunk Yeonjun is rare since he knows the guy actually has a deep hatred for alcohol. In fact, its probably been years since Beomgyu last saw him drunk, which means he doesn’t really know what to expect of him. So he's a bit curious about what inspired the guy to drink blindly tonight.

He drapes his entire upper body on the cushioned seat beside Beomgyu and groans. “Are you okay, Yeonjun hyung?”, Beomgyu asks, deeply concerned. The guy is already flushed pink and looking more and more sleepy. He reeks of alcohol. The staffs are also eyeing Yeonjun with deep concern.

“Yeah….” Yeonjun answers but it comes out more of an affirmative groan. Beomgyu chuckles, “You don’t sound like it. How about I take you home now?”

Yeonjun opens his eyes to stare at him and he thought he’d say yes or just protest…but the guy just looks at him. He finds the look weird but he just clears his throat and shrugs off that weird feeling.

He stands up and the rest of the staffs as well. But he tells them to stay and leaves his credit card to Soobin, before he drags Yeonjun out of the shop.

He's smaller than Yeonjun, and he's bulkier which makes Yeonjun heavier by a few pounds so its still a struggle to have some dead weight pulling on his side especially with the unforgiving cold air blowing from every side. He does his best though halfway to their apartment, his legs are already wobbly from the effort and not to mention, he himself had drank some alcohol too. He decides to stop for a while at one of the grocers they pass everyday and deposits Yeonjun on one of the benches outside.

“Yeonjun hyung….” he calls, his speech also a bit slurred. Yeonjun grunts in response. He grabs the man’s shoulder and shakes him awake, “Yeonjun hyung….” another grunt. His patience waning, he shakes him harder. “Choi Yeonjun.”

Yeonjun suddenly opens his eyes and stares at him. “Gyu.”

He is hit with a wave of nostalgia. Yeonjun only called him that when they were together in art school. But the guy eventually dropped it when they met again at work, a few years later. He smiles at him, “How hammered are you, right now?”

Yeonjun shrugs, “A lot?”

Beomgyu laughs, “If you can understand me, can you do the next fifteen-minute walk on your own?”

There's a wide grin on Yeonjun’s face when he asks the question but he doesn’t answer it. Instead, he raises his hand and gestures Beomgyu to come near. Beomgyu does, leaning closer so he could listen to whatever he will say but suddenly he is being pulled in a tight embrace, Yeonjun’s warm breath right on his neck. The hold is so tight it punches the air out of his lungs.

“Hyung, what— “, he tries to pull away but Yeonjun’s hold just gets tighter. Beomgyu finally lets him, even fondly ruffles his hair like he would do to a brother. He feels Yeonjun shaking against him. At first he wonders if the guy is cold, until he realizes he's crying.

“Yeonjun hyung?” he calls and then he hears three words softly whispered against his ears that suddenly turned his world upside down.

“I love you.”

And then Yeonjun kisses him.

------

Taehyun is scowling at Sojung’s too happy face when he opens the door. It’s a Friday night and after he got so sick to work two weeks ago, they had agreed that weekends will be rest days, no exemptions. But the woman came uninvited to his apartment, claiming to have some good news for him. Good news meant more work and Taehyun admits, he is not the one to complain. But he would have wanted so much not to hear about it on his rare off days.

He still has to be polite so he invites her in and offers her any drink which she refused—which is good because he really had nothing except for water and beer. She sits down on the couch, the smile never leaving her face and maybe Taehyun is imagining it but she seems to be glowing—no, scratch that—gleaming with delight.

Before he even asks, Sojung is already talking, “We got it.”

Taehyun is confused. Got what? He doesn’t remember anything they're working for that warrants that kind of reaction, at the very least. Sure, they got another endorsement for another skincare brand and another for a designer shoe brand, but both of those are regular jobs. “We got what exactly?”

“The offer”, Sojung says, rolling her eyes like she cant believe Taehyun asked such a stupid question. And when he is still frowning at her confusingly, she finally loses her patience and takes a white folder from her briefcase to wave in front of his face like a pest, “The project with Liu Yifei!”

Taehyun’s eyes widen. He knows that Sojung has been talking to her management and agency while they were in China, but ever since they got back in Seoul, Sojung never mentioned to him again so he thought its an opportunity long gone.

This is such a big, not to mention promising project that his manager had been dying to get with no help from him, thank you very much. In truth, he didn’t expect he’d get it because Sojung mentioned before, Liu Yifei is in demand right now and has offers left and right from other leading men to co-star in her upcoming drama. “How?” he manages to ask and Sojung grins at him.

“Have a little faith in yourself, Taehyun-sshi. Apparently, she likes you very much.”

Likes him very much? He remembers the last project they had, a commercial for a sports drink and they barely even talked during the shoot on set or in the press event. “How?” he asks again, not believing Sojung.

The woman shrugs, “I think she fell for your cold, aloof charm? I don’t really know, but we got the project so congratulations are in place!”

Sojung was beaming at him and Taehyun had to sit down. A hundred thoughts are running through his head. Starring beside Liu Yifei will boost his career and pave his way to the Chinese audience. It’s a huge opportunity he cant afford to miss. He only has to reach out and grab it, but—

Wait. “So, am I going to live in China?”

Sojung stops talking because apparently, she still is and stares at him, “Yes? The contract does say you have to stay in China for at least a year for shooting then you’d be allowed two months’ vacation before you need to go back again for the promotion of the show.”

Taehyun thinks about it….it all seems too unreal right now. China had been like a second home to him and he does have good memories in it when he lived there for a year. But it wasn’t all fun and games.

Sojung seems to sense his hesitance then and says, “Taehyun-sshi. Are you okay?”

Of course. He has to say yes. He knows what this project would cost him and what it would give him. The benefits generally outweigh the cons. Also, he's not the same innocent kid anymore. He definitely can survive on his own. He knows all of these, but when he looks at Sojung, he asks her, “Can you give me a minute to think?”

Sojung blinks at him, surprised at how simple and gentle the request had been. The shock comes to his favour as Sojung nods and tells him that he has an early shoot tomorrow before taking her leave.

Taehyun was at a loss of words when Sojung left him with his thoughts. Going to China for a few weeks is one thing, staying there for more than a year is another. He knows for sure, he will do it. But something is stopping him, like an unfinished business.

He picks up his phone and dials Jeongguk’s number. The guy answers on the fourth ring.

“Taehyun! To what do I owe the pleasure?”

“I need his number.”

“Number? What number and whose?”

“Beomgyu hyung. I need his number.”

“Beomgyu? You mean Choi Beomgyu?”

“Yes. Him.” He is getting more and more impatient as the guy continues to drag the conversation on.

He hears Jeongguk sigh. “Taehyun. Why are you doing this?”

He wants to spite him and tell him its none of his business but he knows better than to annoy the person who is probably his only connection to the guy, so he says, “I am going back to China. I’ll stay there for more than a year or two.” He says, “And I really just want to talk to him before I do this.”

“Oh so Sojung already told you? Congratulations Taehyun.”

“I need his number hyung.”

“Why?” Jeongguk isn’t budging and Taehyun hates him more.

“Because I like him.” He says flatly and adds, “I still do. I mean…. I saw him last week…. or maybe I think its him…. but it doesn’t matter if its him or not…. because even if it isn’t its still his face I saw.”

“You're not making any sense.”

“Yes.” Taehyun admits, “And I cant really admit it. But when I saw him…. or when I think I saw him; I felt the same thing I felt months ago when I first saw him. It didn’t even change. It just got stronger….and I don’t know, its got to be something right?”

He releases a breath he didn’t know he was holding. There is a silence on the other end of the line and he thinks that Jeongguk has hung up. Until the guy sighs and says, “Kang Taehyun.”

“……”

“He's already happy.”

Taehyun bites on his nail—a nervous habit he had developed when he was a trainee. “I know….and I just….” He doesn’t know what to do. He wants to shout at Jeongguk for making things difficult for him when it shouldn’t have been but it doesn’t. Instead, he sinks down on the sofa in defeat. “Jeongguk hyung, I understand that…. but this…. I know I’m being selfish and I shouldn’t be but….”

Another deadbeat silence.

Taehyun is about to say goodbye when Jeongguk clicks his tongue, “Fine. I’ll give you his phone number, but promise me one thing.”

He suddenly feels ecstatic. Damn, he can promise him anything right now, just for that mobile number, “What?”

“If he runs away again, stop chasing after him.”

-------

Beomgyu pushes Yeonjun away, holding his hand over his mouth as the heat of Yeonjun’s lips linger on him. The guy backs away from him but he doesn’t look at all shocked or apologetic.

“What are you doing!?” Beomgyu snaps.

Yeonjun continues to just drunkenly stare at him and Beomgyu sees the pain in those eyes, underneath all that alcohol, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to….” he tries to say and then, after probably realizing he probably didn’t mean to apologize he stops and says, “No…..actually…..I meant to do that.”

He takes a few steps towards Beomgyu who backs away equally. A flash of pain crosses his face again before he says, “Beomgyu. I do love you.”

Beomgyu has to take a few shallow breaths to still himself. He looks at Yeonjun and sees the guy who has always been there in his lowest, who willingly help put him back together when he's nothing but broken pieces of his past self, who trusts him more than he even trusts himself—this guy who selflessly protects him, bends over backward just to make sure he's safe, protected and loved.

And all he can think of is, what the hell did I do to him? This guy…he should have been in love with. But he is not. Because he is a selfish human being who destroys people around him. Isn’t that what he did to Byung-hoon?

His heat breaks to a thousand pieces when he looks at the pained look at the guy. Yeonjun is his friend and he loves him like that. “I cant, I’m sorry.”

“Why?” Yeonjun asks, voice almost coming out as a whisper.

“Because I cant….” Beomgyu wants to tell him how he should not even consider loving him. He is too good for the world, and he should know better. Yeonjun is an angel and he cant do this to him.

“You cant or you just don’t want to?” there is poison in those words and Beomgyu watches as the look of despair transforms into bitterness.

“What do you—”

Yeonjun laughs bitterly, “I get it, Beomgyu. I’m not your type.” He spits the word like its poison. Beomgyu’s eyes widen at the insinuation.

Somewhere at the back of his head, a memory is playing of him walking back into the office after what happened with Byung-hoon, his officemates whispering around him and him pretending not to hear them. But he can hear them clearly.

That’s what he gets for fucking his way up.

He thinks he can get somewhere by riding the boss’s coattails.

He deserves it. He thinks he's all but he's just mediocre.

“What even is my type?” he demands and Yeonjun doesn’t speak. He doesn’t have to because Beomgyu knows exactly what he means. He cant bear to loom at him right now so he turns away and chooses to stare at the empty streets of the town. He doesn’t even realize he's crying until he feels the wetness roll down his cheeks and cools down on in the wind.

It has been what everyone in their agency had been talking about. Beomgyu is just getting the attention he deserves because he is fucking the boss. He's not really that great of an artist. His work is mediocre. He should just quit. To hear that from the others is painful…. but for Yeonjun to actually believe that, that’s worse.

Yeonjun is drunk. He keeps telling himself that. He has no filter to what he's saying. His judgement is poor. He doesn’t know if that makes the situation better or worse, but it does manage to calm him down.

“I’m sorry, Beomgyu. That’s not what I really meant.”

He turns to the guy who is forlornly staring at him and laughs bitterly, “Oh, but you did.”

“No…. I’m just….” Yeonjun is struggling to get out of this and, maybe he deserved it.

“Just go home, hyung.” Beomgyu says, “Just go home.” He doesn’t wait for Yeonjun to respond to him. He pulls over the hood of his jacket and walks in the opposite direction where Haedabang is.

----

[The number you are calling is out of reach. Please try again later.]

Tts like deja vu. He can feel the sense of dread as the cheery operator keeps on telling him the same message over and over again. His head is still spinning and a voice inside is telling him to just cut the chase…. stop this nonsense because he will end up getting hurt again. Or hurting Beomgyu.

He doesn’t listen to that voice and speeds on his motorcycle along the highway, in the middle of the night. Its particularly dangerous and probably illegal but at that moment, he doesn’t care. He still has a few miles to go and another hour to drive to Ansan to meet the guy who had occupied his thoughts even when he didn’t want to.

Have you ever fallen in love? Not yet. But if he will, he’d choose to do it with Beomgyu. He wants to try it. He wants to put a label on the confusing emotions inside him and he knows only Beomgyu can help him figure this out.

He knows why Beomgyu is in Ansan, knows where exactly he can find him even if Jeongguk didn’t tell him. Hell, he's the one who recommended him to Jeongguk in the first place when the latter was looking for an interior designer to a commission for Haedabang.

If Jeongguk is telling him the truth of Beomgyu in Ansan, it could only mean he's working on the teahouse. And he knows exactly where that is.

-----

Beomgyu doesn’t know how much time has passed…but his eyes are already sore and red, his nose is already stuffed from all the crying. Its pathetic…he feels so much like a loser, crying in the middle of the unfinished teahouse with all the clutter surrounding him.

He didn’t even sit on one of the stools and just curled himself in a corner, balling himself smaller and smaller, as if making himself smaller would lessen the self-hatred he's feeling.

He hates himself. Hates how Yeonjun who was nothing but kind and considerate to him became collateral damage. He hates that he’ll probably lose another friend in the process….and yes, its probably better to not come back to Seoul at all. Maybe he can go to Busan…. run-away there and restart his life.

He closes his eyes and leans his head on the wall beside him. Rubbing his arms with his hands. It is extra cold tonight and it doesn’t help that the cold wind is coming in from the opening of the back where the garden is. The door hasn’t been installed yet so its just an open spot where the door would be.

He didn’t expect an image of him riding Taehyun’s motorbike as the one that pops right out. The experience was exhilarating, alright, but it was also damn scary. He smiles softly as he is reminded of that night…. the wind, the blurry lights, the sound of engine, Taehyun’s presence…. his heat, the veil of protection that makes Beomgyu feel like it doesn’t matter what happens…. he will always be protected.

Beomgyu wonders what Taehyun would say if he sees him now. Maybe he’d think he's so lame and laugh on his face. Or maybe he’d sit with him as he cries his eyes out, wait until he's all cried out and then tell Beomgyu a joke. Or send him a dozen selfies in one go. Then ask him if he's handsome…. only because Beomgyu will always say he is.

He misses him so much. Which is really weird because their time apart had been more than their time together, so Beomgyu thinks if that’s even possible. He hugs himself tighter, the cold already freezing his insides.

A dangerous thought goes to his mind, a wish that maybe if he didn’t run away from Taehyun, things would have turned out differently. Not necessarily for the better, but at least he didn’t lose Taehyun. At least, he tried. But he was such a coward…. he always wanted to try the safer route. The choice with the lowest risk of hurting him.

So why does it hurt so much now?

He chooses to continue living in his memories instead.

He can see himself back in the moment…with the cold wind touching his face, the low murmur of the engine that goes up into a loud rumble as they speed through the highway….and them he realizes something. He opens his eyes because the rumbling of the engine is not part of his imagination. It is there. He can hear it clearly.

Forcing his tired, cold arms and legs to function again, he manages to pull himself up and look outside. Every sense on heightened alert as a familiar green motorbike pulls over right at the driveway.

It brings forth a man in a dark leather jacket, rugged jeans and black boots who moves like he's from a dream. Maybe he is. The familiar silhouette is enough for Beomgyu to know who he is, but he still waits for the man to take off his helmet before he finds the strength and courage to rush towards the door.

What is he doing here? The logical side of his brain is asking but he ignores it…. really, he is not just thinking at all. Maybe he imagined Taehyun hard enough that he produced an apparition here. Or maybe he is already dead and this was the last dream he had.

Either way, he opens the door and the cold wind surrounds him immediately. He notices a few snowflakes had started falling and he faces up to catch the cold. Is this death? Is this a dream? If I look back down, will I be gone again?

But when he looks back at the man in front of him, Taehyun is still there, still unaware of his presence and is just running his hands through his hair.

Beomgyu is hit with a familiar longing he had long denied himself. The logical side of his brain is telling him to run away. But he had been running away from this guy far too long and he will be running away soon enough, so what difference does it really make?

With bleary eyes and a heart that’s filled with hope and other nameless emotions, he takes a deep shaky breath and finally says the word he had never said for a long time, “Taehyun.”

----

He hears it right after he straps in his helmet on his motorbike seat. The name makes his heart stutter. Is he imagining this again?

When he turns around and sees Beomgyu. He looks different now, he's slightly thinner, his hair slightly longer but he still has that beautiful smile that can stop the world around him. Right there in the middle of the street, with the snow slowly falling down on them, he looks fucking beautiful. Like he came straight from a fairy tale.

“Taehyun…”, Beomgyu repeats and Taehyun’s heart sings. He can see Beomgyu’s eyes blur from unshed tears and he stops himself from crying as well. He wants to call him too. Tell him how much he missed him and how much he wanted to see him and oh my god it has been so long.

He could tell him all those things, but he couldn’t find the right words.

Instead, he lets his body do the talking and in two huge steps he had grabbed the man’s arms and pulled him into a tight and desperate embrace, their bodies becoming a single entity.

Taehyun almost expects him to pull away but he sighs in relief when he feels Beomgyu’s arms wrap around him as well. He notices the guy is freezing cold and tightens the embrace as if by doing so, Beomgyu will be glued to him and will not run away again.

“Hyung...”, he whispers and the word holds so much promise, so much hope. Taehyun has only one thought in his mind, it doesn’t matter if he pushes me away, I will never, ever stop feeling this way for him.

Thankfully when they pull away, they don’t really let go and just stare at each other. Taehyun holds Beomgyu’s face in both hands, as if he's trying to memorize every line of it. He's perfect.

Beomgyu is still crying tears of happiness but Taehyun purses his lips and wipes them away with his thumbs before he says, “I missed you.”

Beomgyu’s smile goes sweeter and another tear falls down. Taehyun wipes them again but this time, he leans closer so their foreheads are touching and their faces are mere inches apart. “I missed you so much.” He repeats as if saying it over and over again will stress just how much he does. Maybe it will.

He moves tentatively closer…until their lips come together. Not kissing, but just touching each other as he waits if Beomgyu will pull away again. But he didn’t. instead, Taehyun sees the guy slowly close his eyes and lets out a soft hum.

That’s all the permission Taehyun needed before he leans closer and claims Beomgyu’s cold lips.

Unlike the first time they kissed, this one is slow and careful. As if any minute, Beomgyu would disappear and Taehyun would find himself back in Seoul. But the electricity Taehyun felt when their lips touched is the same one he felt months ago, if not greater. Its like a dam breaking—all the pain and emotions brimming to fullness suddenly breaking free, the moment their lips touched.

The kiss was brief, but also in comparison to the last time…neither one pulled away. Both of them content to hold each other like that in the middle of the cold, empty street with snowflakes on their hair.

At least until they hear a loud gasp come a few feet from where they are standing on the streets and they both look up in panic only to find Yeonjun staring at them in complete shock.

----

Beomgyu cant believe what is happening right now. For two things—first, he kissed Taehyun again. There, in the middle of the street, under the first snow of winter. Second, that his best friend of many years, the man who hours ago confessed his feelings to him, actually caught them.

He attempts to walk towards him but stops when he realized Taehyun is holding his hand.

Yeonjun looks at their connected hands and clears his throat, “I was just…looking for you.” His voice is stuttering, whether from the cold or from the nerves, Beomgyu doesn’t know. “I…wanted to apologize for….”, he trails off and Beomgyu feels a possessive tug on his hand.

“Anyway, the staffs are back….” Yeonjun finally gets a hold of himself and looks squarely at them, or particularly at Taehyun. “They're worried.”

Beomgyu nods, feeling the palpable tension in the air, “I’m almost on my way back.” He lies but Taehyun tightens his grip on his hand as if he's telling him no, you're not.

Yeonjun finally says something, “It’s a bit of a long way for you to come here, Taehyun-sshi.”

Taehyun clears his throat, “Good evening to you too, Yeonjun hyung.”

They know each other? He turns back to Yeonjun, “How did you—”

Yeonjun frowns in confusion and then a realization dawns on him. “Oh…”, he gestures at Taehyun, “The elusive owner of KTH Studio.”

Its like the carpet has been pulled from under his feet. He turns to Taehyun who is frowning at him, “Is that true?”

Taehyun looks confused. “I…. thought you knew?”

And then it all clicks in Beomgyu’s head. The reason why he found out about this place. Why he's actually here…he was the one who recommended him to Jeon Jeongguk. He was the half brother who acts like a brat. KTH stands for Kang Taehyun. How could he be so dense?

Taehyun notices the look of hurt on Beomgyu’s face, realises his assumption was wrong he tugged on Beomgyu’s hand but Beomgyu pulled away, “Hey, does it matter? I didn’t know you when we got your agency for the project!”

“But you eventually did and you didn’t even tell me!” Beomgyu hisses, “How many more time are you going to lie about something?”

“Hyung, I….”

Beomgyu dismisses him and gives him a laugh, turning to Yeonjun, “It turns out you're right.”

“Hmm?”

Beomgyu gestures at Taehyun and shrugs, “I attach myself to people who are way over my league because I use them. Whether consciously or unconsciously, I always fuck my way up.”

Taehyun and Yeonjun are telling him something but he's not listening anymore. Byung-hoon is right, without someone helping him, he is nothing. He thought he's good at what he does but as it turns out, he isn’t.

Beomgyu makes a move to leave but Taehyun grabs his wrist. “Hyung, please. Don’t run away from me this time.”

He grits his teeth and glare at Taehyun who recoils at the fire burning in hid eyes, “Just…leave me alone.”

Taehyun finally lets go and Beomgyu fixes a stare at Yeonjun who attempts to follow him as he walks away.

-----

Somewhere in Seoul

“This is it?” a man in all black ensemble looks inside the plate less car window. The building outside still looks like its not yet open, although its façade has a modern look which means its not abandoned.

The man on the passenger’s side glances on the building, “Yes, that’s it.” He produces a key card somewhere and gives it to him, “Remember what you need to do. I paid off the security so you wouldn’t have any problems. Just do it quickly and leave.”

The man nods at the relatively good-looking guy in a power suit complete with a bloody tie before he takes the card. The vehicle speeds along, without a look at him. He nods with disdain how those with the looks and money can be those who are terribly vindictive.

He shrugs, its not his job to pass judgement. He just has one thing to do. He picks up the red paint he kept by his feet and goes inside the building.

He sees the metal logo by the lobby and reads the name of the establishment as well as sees the mural he was about to deface.

He wonders whatever did the people from KTH Studio did to irk his client.