Soul Ties

two

we crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow

~ Soul Ties 1:2

Shantaè

"I promise you Shantaè. I'm here for life."

Drowning.

The feeling and deep fear of falling into a pool, the water overtaking me. Drowning in love, lessons, lies. My thoughts and emotions unravelling; me trying to grasp them and hold them close, hiding them from the strangers trying to steal my secrets. My screams of pain couldn't be heard, no one was going to save me, no one knew how to save me. It was too late, anyways. I had already lost myself. By the time anyone cared, by the time anyone could come back I was a completely different person.

We crucify ourselves between two thieves: regret for yesterday and fear of tomorrow.

Daniel had told me that.

I never understood the meaning, until now.

Moving on.

I couldn't be stuck regretting my unfortunate past, I couldn't be living in fear of tomorrow. When Daniel had passed away, a part of me had died too. It took a lot for me to get back on my feet, to rid my head of the suicidal thoughts that wanted to bury me. I had to be strong for myself because no one was going to be strong for me. I had no one. Everyone had left me and those who hadn't left, I had eventually pushed away. In that, I learnt the true meaning of being independent; looking out for myself because I just had to.

I needed to stop feeling sorry for myself, I thought as I exited the shop. I clutched the bag in my hand and walked quickly amongst the crowds of shoppers. I shivered against the cold and then cursed as I bumped into someone, stopping my stride.

Zaïrah.

I kissed my teeth and proceeded to walk around her, this wasn't the first time she and I had walked into each other locally. Most of the time I would completely ignore her, she hadn't really attempted to speak to me so I found it strange that now her hand was wrapped tightly around my arm.

"Let. Go."

Her eyes widened and she removed her hand instantly. I continued to march to the bus stop, rolling my eyes dramatically when I noticed she was scuttling behind me. I didn't have much to say to Zaïrah, she had been ignoring me for the past two years so I was failing to understand why she wanted to speak to me now. I had no issue with her and she had no business speaking to me. She didn't know me, anymore.

"Shantaè! Gosh, wait!" Zaïrah huffed.

"What?" I snapped.

Zaïrah plopped down on the bus stop bench trying to catch her breath.

"Zaïrah, I haven't got all day."

Her eyes roamed over my face and she finally spoke up,"I . . . I don't even know what to say. Like, wow. You look beautiful."

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. What was I supposed to say to that?

She blinked,"I'm sorry."

I snorted and looked away, trying to feel unbothered. There was honestly nothing I could say, when Daniel had died and Messiah had left me she wasn't there for me. She had completely ignored me, cut me off for no apparent reason. Zaïrah knew I had no one. She was supposed to be my anchor when I was drowning, she was supposed to hold me together as my, cousin. My family. She'd done me as dirty as he had. A simple, "sorry" wasn't going to fix her absence for two years. Fuck that forgiving and forgetting shit, no one understood what I had gone through. Multiple suicide attempts, I wanted to die.
I drifted my fingers toward my neck, to where a visible raggedy scar lay.
I breathed out and looked at Zaïrah.

"You left me for two years. You know what I went through with Daniel but you still left me. Don't come and think it's okay for you to apologise two years later. That's dead," I stated bluntly.

"Please-"

"No. I don't want a relationship with you."

She drew back and then nodded to herself, slowly standing up. She started walking toward the other side of the road but then she stopped and stared at me, determination in her gaze.

"Things are changing, Shantaè. They aren't the same anymore."

A chill ran down my spine and my heart jumped to my throat; such familiar words but in a different phrase.

"What . . . What do you mean?"

"When was the last time you saw Messiah?" She questioned.

I drew in a sharp breath,"Two years ago."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, he . . . He left. No one's seen him since," I replied. I wasn't sure what she was trying to say. Furthermore, Messiah was dead to me; everyone knew not to speak on his name around me. I was trying to understand why she was speaking so boldly.

"Someone's deceiving you because I'm pretty sure you saw him yesterday."

I opened my mouth and giggled. Once I started, I couldn't stop. The laughter burst out of me - loud and long chortles echoing the empty street.

Zaïrah looked irritated, rolling her eyes and waiting for me to stop.

"I'm sorry but yesterday? That doesn't make any type of sense."

"Where were you yesterday?"

"Went to see Daniel," I replied my voice clipped.

She bristled, looking uncomfortable. I raised my eyebrows, I was sure she hadn't visited his grave yet.

"Well, I don't know what's going on here but Messiah saw you or you saw Messiah."

"What are you trying to say, Zaïrah?"

"He's back."

~ MAJESTY