If I have Nothing (Absinthe Series 5)

Kabanata 36

Kabanata 36

If I Have Nothing

I started taking my medications regularly. I also limit my calorie intake and exercise everyday. My schedule would always be: wake up in the morning to study for three hours and then come down to the gym for an hour. Kung hindi naman makapag-gym sa umaga, I'll do it after class. Pagkagaling sa school, magpapaalam din ako kay Rhett na mag-g-gym (minsan kasama siya pero minsan hindi dahil pagod siya) and then, I'll cook our dinner, talk for a bit, study a little and sleep.

Kahit minsan, nakakapagod, I always think of what would happen to me if I stop? Lolobo ako and my medications might not work if I don't discipline myself.

Dahil sa mga gamot na iniinom ay unti-unting nawawala ang pagtubo ng tigyawat sa aking mukha. Twice a month, I have an appointment to the dermatologist for a laser hair removal. I was slowly gaining my confidence back that it brought enthusiasm to both Marriam and Juni.

Matamlay kasi talaga ako tuwing nag-aaya silang lumabas. I don't want to go out because I feel out of place. Iba kasi iyong pakiramdam na walang masyadong maipipintas sa katawan mo kasi hindi iyon papansinin ng ibang tao. If you have a lot of imperfections, people will repeatedly ask you the same questions and make it a big deal. Mabuti na lang ay may mga kaibigan akong iniintindi ang aking sitwasyon.

I never told them about my PCOS. There wasn't any cure for my condition and I don't want them to worry more. Kahit na sabihin pang hindi nila ako kinaaawaan, I always felt that I look pitiful even more. I am strong. I can fight this one. Walang akong gyerang sinusukuan lalo pa kung nakasalalay dito ang kasiyahan ko sa huli.

I never told Rhett. I am afraid to give him false hopes about having a lot of children in the end. Ang isa nga ay hindi na ako sigurado, paano pa kaya ang marami? But I also can't hide my condition from him forever. Pasasaan pa't baka aksidenteng masabi ni Mommy o baka magtaka siya sa pagbabago ko kaya magtatanong-tanong siya.

But I feel better now, at least. We don't really talk much because we're busy. Samahan pa na ang banda nila ay sumisikat na. Sometimes he's bothered in his internship by some of the employees. Nagtatanong ng kung anu-ano sa kaniya makita lang siya. He said he wasn't the most approachable intern but carrying his family's name and being in a band made him one.

"Anong oras ka uuwi?" I asked him over the phone while I was walking towards our unit. Ngayon ay nagpapahatid na ako sa driver namin kasi masyado na siyang busy sa internship at ayaw kong makaabala. At first he disagreed and said that he could still make time for me. Pero ako na lang ang tumanggi.

"I might be home early," he sighed, "You're home now?"

"Nasa harap na ng unit." I took the key and insert it on the knob. Binuksan ko ang pinto pati na rin ang ilaw.

"Early ka pa ha?" I was smiling while roaming my eyes around.

"Yeah, you seem excited."

Tumawa ako. "Wala lang, I'm just happy today. Pumunta kasi sina Juni at Darwin sa school."

"Alright. I just have to finish some papers and then, I'll be home."

Ngumiti ako at ibinaba na ang tawag. Nagbihis muna ako ng gym clothes at bumaba. I don't have friends in the gym, minsan kasi ay umiiwas ako at sinusubukang sarilihin na lang ang aking oras.

I run on the treadmill and did some stretching. So far, I had gotten a little smaller. Mas bumaba na ang timbang ko at hindi na ako madaling mapagod. Baka dahil sinanay ko na ang sarili kaya mas matagal bago ako dalawin ng pagod.

I was doing a goble squat when someone approached me. Noong una ay hindi ko na lang pinansin dahil baka may gagawin lang din naman. I looked at my peripheral vision but the person was just standing beside me.